Now please don't any of you BS's out there get me wrong. I am very grateful that I still have a wife after what I have done. As a matter of fact, I don't KNOW why I still have a wife. The fact that she loves me still just blows my mind. Each morning that I wake up, I am amazed that she is there. Each time she smiles at me, I feel warm and fuzzy. But let me tell you, this thing of her ALWAYS checking on me is starting to stress me out a little bit. Every day when she gets home, she goes straight to the computer to look at the history folder to see where I have been. I found out yesterday that she is still looking on AOL IM for the OW name to pop up. Her screen name hasn't been on there in 9 months by my doing, just by my W. There is a horrid tale behind this AOL IM and the OW. My wife got heavy into talking to the OW through this and we had determined through counseling that my W would no longer attempt to contact the OW or even take the time to see if the OW is on IM under her old screen name(s). This past weekend, my W and I had our very best friends in the world stay with us on their last night in town. The next day, after they had departed, my W goes into the history folder to check on me again and sees that a yahoo mail account had been accessed from our computer. She didn't go nuts, this time, but the inquisition began. Then, this morning, she tries to right-click on the start button to explore through the history folder again and the options won't come up. Now I am accused of making the computer so she can't look through that stuff. So I show her a different way to explore through the windows directory. Still, the snide/sarcastic comments are made and I got a little irritated. I didn't say anything, but she knew I was upset. Then she starts reminding me in very few words why I am not to be trusted. Ok, I KNOW why she doesn't trust me and I don't blame her. But for cryin out loud, how about a break every now and then? So, this afternnon, she calls and asks what I have planned for dinner. I do the majority of the cooking around here. I tell her I haven't looked yet. So she wants me to look in the freezer to discover what may be there. On the phone, I tell her what's there. She says, "I guess we don't have any hamburger meat." I say no. She says, " I don't know what we are going to eat the rest of the week then." She says this in a real irritated "I told you not to eat all the hamburger meat" kinda voice. Hell, it was only two pounds of meat! I, and the kids, ate off of it for two days for lunch and my dinner last night. Since we just came off of vacation, we are having to watch our money closer than normal. So I thought by eating lunch at home, thus eating the damned meat, I would relieve her of some worry about the money this month. But as ALWAYS, she has SOME freakin comment, negative as always, about what I have done or the choices I have made. And this isn't just since the A, she has been like this the entire time we have been married. Her way of expressing herslef is through sarcasm. If things don't go the way SHE thinks they should, woe be unto the person, me, our daughter or our son, that has to listen to her F'ing comments!!! And she can't just comment once, oh no!!! I have had 4 phone calls while trying to write this where she is trying to explain her position about the Freakin hambuger meat! <P>Well, here I am now, 21 days away from leaving to go to Korea for a year and I am depressed as I have been in a couple of months. I feel like a JERK for getting angry with her. I feel like I should NEVER voice my opinion or try to point out to her that what she says and HOW she says it offends the people around her. I am worried about what my kids will have to deal with if I am not there to make her stop after she gets started about something. She has reduced both of my children to tears on a number of occasions because she just keeps at them. Never physically abusive, but verbally. Not cussing at them, but she just breaks you down until you feel like everything you have ever done in the world to please her doesn't mean jack. <BR>She can make love to me in the morning and ten minutes later be jumping down my throat because I thought it was a good idea to do something she disagrees with. If I hear her say to me or the kids "I just don't understand why you would do that. It just doesn't make sense to ME. What were you thinking?", one more time, I will scream and rip my ears off and stuff them in the cavities left behind to try and muffle her voice. Then I will rip my hair out and paste it over my eyes so I don't have to see that look on her face that says she is clearly looking at an idiot.<p>[This message has been edited by DownTime (edited July 24, 2001).]

Have you tried to get her to read any articles on this site? I havn't read the books but I imagine they could help. I'm new here too so I can't give you much help, but I do know that even though you had an A, you shouldn't put yourself down forever.

Tell her to read my post. My H left me in March because of 2 years of my verbal abuse. I abused him and my children verbally. I used the excuse that my H has never put me in a place of honor that I deserve to be in. Everything was more important to him than me; his friends, family, car, boat, etc. My verbal abuse was NOT the answer to getting him to treat me the way that I thought I deserved to be treated. H looked up an old high school girlfriend in February. I found out about the A in April. He has now moved back home, but seems unable to let go of OW and really work on recovery. The result of my abusive behavior is that my H felt totally justified with the A and so far feels no guilt over the pain he has caused me. I am devastated by all of this. I want nothing more than to make up to my H and children for the pain that I caused them. Please tell your W what's bothering you (in a non-threatening way). Be vocal about how this is hurting your love for her. I will say a prayer for you and your W that she will see what this destructive behavior is going to do to your marriage.<P>Kari

I have tried again and again to tell her these things. I tell her what our daughter comes to me saying. If she doesn't get outright furious and accuse me of trying to set our daughter against her, then she is the exact opposite. She listens quietly, says she knows she needs to work on it and the next thing you know, she is yelling at one of the kids. It's like she HAS to be angry with at least ONE of us in this house. Everyone but the dogs. The damn puppy can pee on the floor and she will go through all the trouble to get out the carpet cleaner and all of that. But let my 7 y/o son pee in the bed, watch out. I have a little bit of resentment going on here, but trust me, I love my wife dearly and things aren't always like this. I just wish I knew a better, smarter way to deal with these things.<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.

DT<P>This sounds like a Don Rickles stand up routine...LOL. I know your feelings are serious. I am not making fun of you, but this was written so well, I just had to laugh.<P>Are you guys in counselling? I understand the not being trusted part, but there also should be strategies in place for her to begin to accept some things. And, dont forget you are leaving her in 21 days for how long? She is stressin too! You have two issues there...one is the trust issue and the other is communication styles. Both can be fixed...I know.<P>Trueheart

Your post jumps from her checking up on you to her anger at you and kids. As far as the checking up on you, for now you will have to just DEAL WITH IT, COME HERE AND VENT but leave it at that! As for her anger towards you and the kids, then i think that she should definitely look into using other outlets if things don't go her way. I would be concerned for the kids while you are away too. If this is part of the problem that made your affair possible then it is time for her to stop talking the talk about changing her nasty anger and start doing it. If you are making the effort in your marriage to make it better then she is going to have to also. When she starts to yell, calmly stop her and tell her when she is ready to talk like an adult then you will continue the conversation and walk away. If she starts belittling the kids, then step in, tell the child to go into another room, and then tell wife to first CHECK HER ANGER and then come back to talk to your child. This anger is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation to get what she wants they way she wants it to be. It is not fair to anyone. Some people don't understand that just because you yell, does not mean you are going to PROVE YOUR POINT.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trying2_4give:<BR><B>Your post jumps from her checking up on you to her anger at you and kids. As far as the checking up on you, for now you will have to just DEAL WITH IT, COME HERE AND VENT but leave it at that! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are correct and thank you for reminding me. That is exactly what I was doing, venting here instead of foolishly on her. I get what I deserve in that respect I know. I just have a problem with the way she expresses her anger towards me when I tell her I didn't do ANYTHING to the computer. At times I just want to tell her to either PROVE that I am trying to hide something or shut up. My frustration with a situation of my own creation. I don't go off on her for it, but it does get tiring and I know that she can sense that in my demeanor and voice. When she does sense it, she has to comment on it as if I DID say something nasty. I just wish I could sleep. With my upcoming departure and her stress at my leaving and all the things I have to do to get ready to go, it is a bit overwhelming at times. I know she is very stressed out. I know she is afraid that I am going to go to a foreign land, drop my pants and not pull them up until I get on the plane back to home. I can't take those fears from her. All I can do is lead my life the way I SHOULD have been leading it and her fears will prove to be for naught. I guess the thing I am most frustrated with is wanting and trying to improve our marriage, first by telling her of my A, then by changing those things about me that need to be changed and her just staying the same. The affair hasn't changed her one single bit as far as her improving for our marriages sake. And I guess I expect her to since I have told her in counseling what it is about her that frustrates me so. And the counselor has agreed with me and my W agrees with me during the counseling. But her actually putting that into action is a different story all together. She has said that she doesn't feel the need to change when I have had an A. That it is up to me to prove that I want a good marriage. So what do I do now? Kiss her [censored] and say yes ma'am, right away ma'am and never voice a thing that is bothering me? Hell, that's what I was doing when I had the affair in the first place. Trying to please her just to keep the peace in my house by never saying anything about the way she acted. I don't know. I am at my wits end today. I will be ok tomorrow.<BR><P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.