Guys, this is the doozy...<BR>D-day was yesterday afternoon. You might recall I wrote about her being her but I couldn't see her. Now I know why. My wife, fomer (BS) was having an affair, with one of my good friends from work. In my house, while I was "staying away", to give her space. Happened Friday night. My heart is ripped open and I am so exposed. Someone please help me cope, help me understand. She says the fog has lifted and the A is over, but I don't know what to believe. I have to see this guy at work and all I want to do is kill him. <BR>He took advantage of a woman who was confused and hurt because of what I did, and she looked for comfort and self-esteem with someone that started to meet her emotional needs. She says it was because she knew she wanted a divorce, it was just a formality. <BR>Help someone...what's next?

Man, I feel for you! Our D-day was nine months ago and ever since then, I have felt conflicting emotions when it comes to that. She has threatened to have an affair on me to "teach me" about how it feels, but then she comes right back and says that she won't stoop to that level. I have said to myself "Hey, if she DOES have an A on you, what in the world could you possibly say to her?" Then that is followed with the fear and agony of how I KNOW I would feel. Which I am sure is what you are going through now. I am going through it with you. You see, just a few months before my wife and I got married, she had an A on me. She was at college and I was in Basic Training. She says that since we weren't married at the time and that since she was only with him for two weeks, had sex two times and then felt guilty and told me, that I could not possibly feel what she is feeling or know what she is feeling. Since mine lasted three years, 8 sexual encounters, that I don't know. Well, the more I think about all of this mess, the more I think she is full of it and that to a degree, I have been too hard on myself about all of this. I do feel for you and yes, you should be very upset. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that. I know that were I in your situation, I would take this chance to explore together the hurt and the pain that both of you are/have caused. She will feel differently and probably say that if you hadn't cheated on her, she wouldn't have cheated on you. That doesn't wash with me because I thought the same thing. My counselor set me straight. I hope you two are seeing one. If not...FIND ONE!!! I am praying for you.<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.

I'm so sorry. I know you are crushed! We are here for you. Someone with some good advice will be on soon! I wanted to let you know I was here.<P>I know I've seen on here that BS's are very suceptible to A's themselves - vulnerable, rejected, revenge... <P>So what is going on between you and your W? Is she sorry? Does she want to reconcile? Does she think it's possible? have you talked about reconciliation - or where to go from here? It may be too soon to make any decisions. Let things cool a little. Start doing your best Plan A. You should now start to learn how we BS's do the Plan A.<P>Don't do anything or say anything to the guy at work right now. Things have to cool off (you need to cool off) before doing anything.<P>Just my opinion....<P>Hang in there... there will be more advice soon. <P>(((((hugs))))) you know, some people would say you got what you deserved. But you are very sorry for what you did (we all make mistakes - let he who is without sin cast the first stone!!) and you are doing everything you can to make things right.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

MH...<P>I think this was a revenge affair. Yes he took advantage of her in a weakened state. You have every right to look him in the eyes and tell him that you lost all respect for him after abusing your friendship, and her trust in this crisis.<P>Once the shock of this sets in, you two need to decide what it is you want. You now have both been on both sides and know the hurt, pain, anger, fear....make that work for you! Take a time out, breathe, and go one step at a time! dont make any huge decisions today.<P>Trueheart

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MissingHer:<BR><B>Guys, this is the doozy...<BR>D-day was yesterday afternoon. You might recall I wrote about her being her but I couldn't see her. Now I know why. My wife, fomer (BS) was having an affair, with one of my good friends from work. In my house, while I was "staying away", to give her space. Happened Friday night. My heart is ripped open and I am so exposed. Someone please help me cope, help me understand.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ya' know......this is the type of "justifiable" reaction that some BS are going to assume because they have been hurt beyond comprehension. Revenge affairs.....what the hell do they accomplish? They are meant to hurt, which is malicious behavior, and it creates a very hostile home environment. This is NOT helping a marriage...in fact, it destroys a marriage that may have even the smallest thread of hope of survival. What good does this serve? Does this makes everyone feel equal in the hurt department? This only adds another weight of burden to an already sinking ship. And this is the type crap that can happen when a spouse decides to go outside the home to meet their needs instead of making things "right" on the homefront. This sort of revenge makes everything just peachy, eh? Who could ask for anything more.....or LESS?<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited July 24, 2001).]

Dear MH,<P>Now ask her, does this even the score and make her feel better? I think not. Now you have the option to move forward. You can never go backward. The forward will either be together or separate. Can you 2 live with what has happened, forgive (not necessarily forget) and move forward as a couple or will you 2 move forward as separate individuals? <P>Hard question and now may not be the right time to answer. Your W's actions were not surprising, she used the same lines the Ws's used. Kind of odd but the same speel. <P>Take care, think and ponder. <P>L.<BR>

She says this was not a "revenge" affair. She says that she pursued it as much as he did. He was saying nice things to her on the phone. Told her she was attractive and that I was wrong for what I did. He said he wanted to be there to help her. Her plans to come out here to "get her stuff" all along had the implications that she was going to see him. She says never to give in to sex, but she was challenging herself all along. Daring herself because she felt like she didn't have what it takes. She felt like she could never really do that. She has come out of the fog, I guess and says she wants to work our problems out. She is very sorry and is writing her letter to him today. Meantime I have to work with him, not directly but he is in the same building as me, on the same floor and works closely with people I work with. He doesn't know that I know, though he asked her not to tell me. Begged her really, said he had too much at stake. What a jerk! I want to just look him in the eyes and tell him "I know" and to leave my family alone. The worst is, that this guy is the biggest player. Constantly has stories about all the girls and women he's bagged. He always talks about their flaws and why he couldn't fall in love with this one or that, but that they all love the way he has sex with them. It burns me in the deepest part of my heart. Is he going to talk about my wife that way? Who is he going to tell and what faults will he talk about to his little group of friends? Part of me wants to do the Christian thing, confront him and then let him deal with his own consience. The other part wants to just destroy him.<BR>Maybe some of you who have confronted the OM, could tell me what worked best for you.<BR>I am devastated, but you know, I think in the end, this is going to make MB easier for both of us. She now realizes and sees right where I was during my fog. I now know exactly how she felt when she found out about my A. I guess this is a bit different because I have been betrayed by both my wife and by my friend, who all along, was telling me that she loved me, he felt good about my chances and kept saying its all gonna work out. OUCH!!!<BR>advice advice advice....

I think you might be right in that she will gain insight into how you felt and why and how you did what you did. But the important thing is that she doesn't go convincing herself that her A was justified. It wasn't. It was just as selfish and hurtful as yours was. <P>Like TrueHeart said, take a deep breath and approach this rationally. Any time you feel down and irrational, don't make decisions!! Trust me! You'll make bad ones!

MH<P>What a load of self-centered crap. This is a situation where you need a few quick slaps to get your mind right. <P>Anyone who says that a "revenge affair" is worse than the original is full of it. The only thing worse about it that the former WS is now the hurt party. "Oh! This is terrible that I should feel pain" You believe that you affair was justified because YOUR needs were not being met. This new person was YOUR soul mate. This was YOUR special love that no one else could understand. In the mean time you abandon you wife's needs. Sure she was weak when she had an affair. We are all weak, including you. So your friend didn't respect your marriage. Well big news: niether did you.<P>Enough slapping.<P>Tell you wife you understand why she did this. Tell her you still love her and want to save you marriage. Make your actions show that you mean it. Make her needs and feeling your focus. (rather than you own) Forgive her and don't bring it up again. Don't confront the OM. Just let it go. Do the same thing you expect her to do with your own affair.<BR>