Just a few months before my wife and I got married, she had an A on me. She was at college and I was in Basic Training. We had been together for three years. She says that since we weren't married at the time and that since she was only with him for two weeks, had sex two times and then felt guilty and told me, that I could not possibly feel what she is feeling or know what she is feeling. Since mine lasted three years, 8 sexual encounters, that I don't know anything about how it feels. Well, the more I think about all of this mess, the more I think she is full of it and that to a degree, I have been too hard on myself about all of this. Actually, I am having some HUGE resentment right now and I can't afford that. I know that our situations are very different. Mine did last for three years and while it was strickly a PA on my part, my W has a good point in saying that she is more hurt by my actions than what I could possibly be by hers so long ago. The thing is, we never really talked about it too much. I asked a few questions, mostly from wounded manliness, and then it was over. One night while she was crying hard, I asked her to tell me how she felt. She told me there was no way I could know what she was feeling. I said, without thinking, that I had a LITTLE bit of an idea from when she had told me about her A a few months prior to our marriage. She JUST EXPLODED! She went off saying that was totally different, that we weren't married, that hers only lasted two weeks, not three years and so on. Well, thinking that I MUST be wrong AGAIN, I stuffed those feelings back down. But now, I am sitting here thinking, how in the hell can she say that? Does a piece of paper make an A different when you have totally given your love to someone. When you totally trust someone? Now I have all of these conflicts of emotion going on because I don't want to be mad at her, I put her through hell!!! But what about that? I don't know what to think!!!!!<BR>ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.

BTW, I am not used to expressing my emotions, and I may sound like a jerk. I am sorry if I do. I just don't want to "cover up" my feelings any more. If I do, it will only lead to my hurting my wife more and dear God I don't want to do that!!! Never again!!! And this is a fairly safe place to voice these things.<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.

This is a good place to vent.<P>Venting here is better than complicating an already complicated situation by getting into it w/your W.<P> E

I realize that. And I don't want to create a confrontation with my wife over this. But how would others out there feel about this. Anyone in a similar position? <P>Thanks<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.

I can understand your wife's point of view AND i can understand your point of view. A piece of paper does not mean the pain is any easier. But i think the way your wife feels about it, is that for 3 years, you didn't feel guilty enough for what you were doing to tell her, like she did after 2 weeks. Also, that it could not have been only an PA if it lasted 3 years that you were emotionally involved (don't know your story, so i am assuming that it was the same OW). Also just because you only had 8 sexual encounters, does not mean the EA of it is any easier. I think right now, u are sitting at home thinking TOO MUCH and making yourself angry, justifying your actions. YOU BOTH ARE IN THE WRONG, NO IF'S AND'S OR BUT'S ABOUT IT. You will never know TRULY understand her pain and she will never TRULY understand your pain. Woman and Men differ in their reactions after an affair, your wife is showing OPENLY that she doesn't trust you which is most woman, by checking up. On the other hand, most men don't usually show there mistrust by checking up on their spouse (at least, not with WS's knowledge of it), they usually push it into there caves and not openly show their pain. The fact that she doesn't acknowledge her affair was painful to you, could be because you didn't openly show it (i don't know what your reactions were and for how long). Either way, you both were wrong and you are correct just because you didn't have that piece of paper doesn't make her affiar any better than yours. But knowing that doesn't mean you can use it against her to justify what you have done. You both have resentments that need to be heard, they may not be understood, but they need to be heard.

In my opinion what you both did was wrong. There is no use arguing about whose sin is worse. They are very similar. Technically it is worse to have an affair once you are married and it is worse to have one that lasted so long. But still both were a betrayal. So get over fighting abut who is more sinful you both did a bad thing. <P>My wife was the WS. She was in a different country so she said her case is different from the people on this board because of this and because she didn't love the guy. But the key thing is when you are married you don't fool around with another person. There is no excuse or no good reason for it. It is wrong and that's it. <P>In your case you have to decide if you and your wife still are in love or could grow to love each other and move on into the future. It takes time to get rid of all this thinking. I am having a very hard time with it myself but realize I have to somehow do it. <P>Well at least you both are romantically inclined. If you can direct these feelings towards each other again that would be great. The BS usually would like to punish the WS forever but this doesn't help anything. The BS has to just suffer for awhile until feelings die down. The event may never be forgotten but the pain might be easier to live with eventually than the pain that comes from serious diseases like Cancer, Diabetes etc. <P>For me it seems next to impossible to not think about what the WS did but it is a must to somehow do it. You must find the good qualities in your spouse that attracted you in the first place. I am trying to do this. It's very tough but not impossible. Maybe have a discussion about your marriage and get suggestions about how you guys can get over this together. <P>Maybe admit your sin was greater if that's what it takes. But really both sins are almost the same because there was a betrayal of trust. There was sneaking around behund someone's back in both cases. Perhaps you wife wishes her affair was as long as yours so that she can feel it is fair. Hopefully she doesn't look for a three year affair herself to even up the score. I think there is great vulnerability to revenge affairs for the BS.<P>The three year affair and the fact you were married was not very good. However the affair of your wife was almost the same because supposedly just before you are married you are supposed to be madly in love, even more in love than after you are married. <P>I wonder if 8 sexual encounters in three years is true. I can't imagine this myself. I would think it would be once a month or even a week minimum if you really felt horny towards another person. That's was just an irrelevant thought. <P>The main thing is promise to not have anger outbursts. I think talking is helpful and fine and good but the anger part shouldn't be part of any talk with your partner. Neither of you should feel more or less guilty than the other person. <P>Probably your wife is right you can't know what she feels but also she cannot know what you feel. You both feel bad. <P>

Let your W know that there are other BS wives here dealing with similar issues. Yours is not the worst by any means. Just for you at the moment. <P>Listen, by myself I could fill her with stories that would make her feel glad she is not married to my H. I am sure other accounts here would also help her see her case is not as far gone as what others are having to deal with. <P>Let her know that we would listen to her feelings. Let her vent and then show her ways to work to make herself better and hopefully her marriage. You both can grow to be better persons resulting in a much better relationship. <P>Another benefit is that instead of running away from this issue, facing it together will make both of you stronger persons. One day someone else, a friend, relative or even your children may need your strength. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Sorry it took so long for me to reply. The Army called me up to tell me I had 24 hour duty about 20 minutes after I was supposed to be there! Typical.<P>Trying2_4give: <P>Thank you so much for your comments and reality check! I would like to clear up something though. I am NOT trying to justify my A. I was wrong and freely admit that. I could have gone to a counselor just as easily as another woman. Nor am I trying to say who is more wrong than the other. I am just trying to deal with these things as they come up. I am not used to dealing with my emotions and am trying to do so now. To be frank with you, I had the thought awhile ago that I never gave her much grief over her A, so why is it 9 months later that we aren't doing a whole lot better than what we are? I know it is selfish and I admit that at times I get tired of dealing with this almost daily. I have forgotten to be humble. I will correct that immediately! Please read my comments to Rodger as I will further explain my position. Thank you again!<P><BR>Rodger:<P>I wish to thank you for your comments as well as direct my sympathy to you for your situation. I wish you were not in a position to even be able to comment here! I would like to take an excerpt from your comments and provide a statement of my own. <P>"In my opinion what you both did was wrong. There is no use arguing about whose sin is worse. They are very similar. Technically it is worse to have an affair once you are married and it is worse to have one that lasted so long."<P>You are totally correct here. I agree with you about the length and the fact that we were actually married when I had my affair. However, that does not negate the feelings I have about this and the simple selfishness on my part for feeling this way. I am trying to deal with this here and not with my W. She doesn't need nor deserve that. And we haven't "argued" over this. I mentioned one time that I may have an idea of what she was going through and promptly got my [censored] chewed out.<P>"I wonder if 8 sexual encounters in three years is true. I can't imagine this myself. I would think it would be once a month or even a week minimum if you really felt horny towards another person. That's was just an irrelevant thought."<P>I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard something very similar to what you say. Until the OW and my W finally talked on the phone, my wife didn't believe me either. Let me tell you something about myself. Due to sexual abuse from both men and women when I was a child, I had/still have a very screwed up way of interpreting acceptance from my wife and also my NEED for her acceptance. As her verbal attacks grew worse, so did mine. It got to the point where we would go for a month or more without having sex. I saw her unwillingness to have sex with me, in addition to what she would scream at me, as my not being able to please her emotionally, intellectually, nor physically. When I was approached by the OW, I was weak both mentally and morally. That's how it all started and that is why it was only 8 times. I will not say that it COULD have happened more than 8 times. I would be lying if I did. But I didn't seek her out to often and sometimes when I did, she wasn't available. In other words, while I wasn't seeking emotional involvement with this person, I was fullfilling an emotional need that I wasn't getting from my wife. SHould I ever find myself in this position in the future, I shall buy a pocket thingy and call it good.<P>Thanks for your kind and pointed words Rodger. My humility is slowly returning in some respects!<P>Orchid:<P>Thank you for what you have said here. I am very much the frustrated person today. I could not even begin to imply to my wife that since you have it worse, she should feel better! Although I am sure in the telling, you would be helped out a good deal, knowing my wife, she wouldn't take it as someone trying to put her situation in perspective. SHe would take it as a personal attack on her, instigated by me and mitigated by you. But I do know what you mean!! Thank you also!!<P><BR>One last collective thank you to you all. I will comment more on this later if anyone is still interested. Or if I continue to be upset about it.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Down Time:<BR><B>Does a piece of paper make an A different when you have totally given your love to someone. When you totally trust someone?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Have mentioned this before; people say that marriage is only a piece of paper, but so is a $20 bill--it's according to your values...<P>How does infidelity affect singles as opposed to marrieds? IMHO, a single person can get the heck out of the relationship a lot easier than a married person can, especially if children are involved.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:<BR><B> Have mentioned this before; people say that marriage is only a piece of paper, but so is a $20 bill--it's according to your values...<P>How does infidelity affect singles as opposed to marrieds? IMHO, a single person can get the heck out of the relationship a lot easier than a married person can, especially if children are involved. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, you do have a good point about the children being involved. I will give you that. However, IMHO, when it comes to paper, be it money or marriage certificate, I can only go with what life taught me at an early age. Things made of paper quickly fade. Things felt in the heart never die....they just get buried alive.<P><P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.