Hi all. I hung around here quite a bit early this year. Well, without going into a lot of the details here's what's going on. My W had (is having) and affiar (EA and PA) with a guy in New York (we're in Phx). She filed for divorce a few months ago. I hated it, but accepted it and started healing and moving on emotionally. About a month ago, she came back, came out of the fog and said she was wrong, that she'd lied, cheated, was giving up great gifts from God, would do whatever it takes as long as it takes to make it work. I was nervous and after a couple of days of thinking about it, said "OK, lets get to work." Well, she kept her secret life alive, kept calling this guy and told me a week ago that she "can't" stop calling him or do what it takes to work on our marriage. She just called, sounding teary, and said "we need to talk tonight." There's nothing I want more that to be in a great and happy marriage with this woman. But she's shown me over and over again that she won't commit to me or our marriage. I know she's freaking out about her new financial situation. She's not going to be able to afford much of a place to live on her own.<P>I don't trust her. I don't want to get set up for this nasty, nasty fall again. I don't want to "work on it" just because she doesn't like her material world (or lack there of).<P>What do I do?

You need to remember that at one point in time you were most likely her stability, her fortress and she has chosen that on her own now. She's lost it, her security may be gone and fear has set in. I have seen this personally several time not for this reason alone, but mixed up with several other reasons. Regardless of why, as long as its part of you, I've been told over the years, by these good people here, to except the reason and her. If she came back for the sex or affection (or whatever your needs are), you wouldn't think twice about it.<P>Now the crutch in this is that she is still maintaining contact with the OM. (Who am I to talk here because of WS) Is she living with the OM. Are you in Plan A/B, or D? Where are you in regards to your relationship with her based on the principals set forth here? That is going to determine I suppose, (tell me if I'm wrong people) the end result of your acceptance.<P>You of course don't want your W to be in the poorhouse. Being in the poorhouse or thought thereof frightens her as it would you and I. She will clutch to what keeps her above water. Strength patience and some guidlines here might be warranted. If you don't fulfill the need for her then the OM definetly will to his best ability. THAT you do not want. If that happens and its one of her TOP EN then you are going to have a very hard road ahead of you.<P>Get back to us on what I asked so we might suggest a direction.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town