Hi all,<BR>Thought I would check in. We got back late Monday evening after flying and traveling for over 24 hours. We had a great trip and saw lots of beautiful things. The girls did well with their soccer tournaments. We were in Italy(at the beach),Munich and Czeckoslovakia(SP?). It was a fun trip and I did feel better being away. <P>The first time I called my mom to check on her and the kids, she told me that H came home from a trip and moved into the bedroom upstairs. He was here for a week with her. My mother said he was cordial one day and the next wouldn't even talk to her. <P>I have not heard from him since I got home. This morning, he called my youngest daughter as we were leaving for soccer camp to tell her he loved her and he wanted to talk to my son also. He told them both that he loved them and had a great time out on the boat last week.<P>This afternoon, I checked my e-mail for the first time since coming home, and he had written. He said he hoped that I had a great time in Europe and that he wanted a thank you note from my daughter for sending her. In his next paragraph, he said that the divorce papers were at the sheriffs office and that I could call there and have them sent to my lawyer so that they wouldn't serve them at the house. He has never discussed this with me....last time he was here, after our boating trip fiasco, he said that we would talk when I got home and then he left. <P>I then found out this afternoon, that she was here all week last week. Jim took the kids swimming at their hotel one day and took them all out on our boat another day. He told Kaitie and Kyle not to tell anyone. Kaitie, my 9 year old came down with shingles that week. <P>Why does he behave like this? The two things I asked him not to do---he blatantly did. Does he have to destroy me? I feel completely empty tonight. I can't contact my lawyer, because he is out of town until the end of the first week in August. Any suggestions on what I should do now? I am devastated.<P>I missed talking with you all. This has been hard,even in Europe. How do you get through this?

Mo, <P>Welcome back!! We missed you. Glad you had a good time! I am sorry you had to come home to this crapola! Sounds like OW got to him while she was around. The fact that he told kids not to tell pretty much tells you hes embarrassed and knows how wrong it was, but didnt want to LB the B***H!<P>I really dont know what to tell you. I will leave that to those that have been here before me. I just wanted to lend my support and tell you that you are not alone out here!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I can't even function since this afternoon. I feel totally torn apart. It is amazing...I was doing so much better when I was in Europe. Now, I have been home one day...and my life is turned upside down again.<P>Why is my husband out to destroy me? My only crime is to have loved and supported him all these years. People around here will not believe what he has done. I am hurt and angry over his behavior. What do I do with the divorce papers? My lawyer is not available until the end of next week. What do I do now. I can't believe that he did that with my kids. I am shocked.<BR>

Dear MnM, <P>Welcome back. Glad you had a good trip and sorry that you had to come back to foghead still in the fog. The fact that he treated your mom in a similar manner shows that he is still out there in left field. <P>For now, you need to settle back in. His D stuff can wait. You get back, unpack, wash, laundry, catch up on things, readjust to the time zone, talk to your kids, etc. There is probably more you need to know. Just let it filter in. Right now, don't make any judgement calls. You need to see everything and steady your feelings. <P>You have a right to be angry but you need to be settled in first. <P>Take Care, will check back later.<P>L.<BR>

<B>What do I do with the divorce papers? My lawyer is not available until the end of next week. What do I do now. </B><P>DON'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY....<P>STALL, STALL, STALL. OW Obviously SUNK her claws in while you were away....you've got to stall for time while this thing plays out. Allow them time to be together, and DO NOT sign anything or move forward on D. for as long as you can.<P>Lupo<P>

I agree. Take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. Can you delete that e-mail and pretend you never got it? And don't bring it up. Make him take another step to give you those papers? Just a way of stalling. What a wimpy way for him to do that! <P>Just take care of yourself and your kids. August will be here soon, and you can talk to your lawyer. Those papers should give you at least 30 days anyway to respond (if there's a deadline at all), so you have time.<P>(((((MnM)))))) <P>hang in there. keep us posted.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 24, 2001).]

I don't know how to settle my feelings. I have never felt so helpless. Now I know what hell is really like. I still can't believe that he wants the kids to meet and accept her. When the older kids wouldn't, he is preying on my little ones. And the fact that he asked them to lie about it...how sad is that? <BR>In his past affairs, he has always come to his senses. This time he is crueler than he has ever been. I don't want to see or hear from him anymore. I don't want him around my kids, infact I should probably get an injunction against him--because of his drinking and driving with the kids in the car. <BR>Gosh, I have given him so many chances, I have been trying to be more understanding...and this is what he does. Now what? <BR> <BR>

Mo,<P>I agree with Faith, do not acknowledge you ever read your H's email. But don't delete it, you may need it later on down the road. <P>I'm so sorry. I feel your pain in your post.<P>Your attorney will be back in approx 14 days, right? In the meantime I would suggest you not discuss this with your H. Keep him at bay. You may say things you would regret. Also, do not share it with anyone that may tell him you know. I know that's going to be hard to do.<P>I've been there Mo, my H filed on my Bday and tried to have me served Christmas eve day, it was a nightmare. I thought I was dieing. But, I didn't and I'm here. I couldn't understand what made him hate me so much to put me thru such agony. My attorney said it was beyond cruel to not wait until after the hoildays. They just don't see anything else but what they want, they're in a narcisistic FOG.<P>Please keep posting to let us know how you're doing.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 24, 2001).]

Thank you all for the posts. You all help me keep my sanity. I am still in shock over what he has done. How cold and cruel. I don't know if I could ever forgive him for his actions. I feel so "thrown away" and empty. These last 21 years have been such a waste. <BR>I am especially upset about him flying her here and taking her out on our boat with our kids. What was he thinking...was he intentionally trying to hurt me...and why? Why did he do this and tell my kids not to tell anyone. How sick is that? You would think he was an adolescent instead of almost 48. He makes me sick. I wish I could see into the future. I don't see anything except a dark whole right now. People keep telling me I am strong and I will get through this...but I don't know. I have never felt this bad before. Mom goes home tomorrow. Then I am on my own again. That is scary for me. There is so much that has to be done around here. Please keep me in your prayers.

H wrote me this morning. Said that Kaitie and Kyle had a great time on the boat with them. He said that she was not the cause of our marital problems...I was. I am still amazed that he can hurt me so bad. He has done nothing but hurt me for the past four months. What have I done except love and support him and keep this family going while he was gone? I am really loosing it? Does he really feel that way...and why? Why does he have to tear me apart? After 21 years of marriage--why doesn't he just say he is sorry and go on. This is so very hard. I never thought I would end up like this. I am miserable.

MO,<P>It is hard to say what is his true feeling and what is OW induced? He is still living the fantasy..OW, him, bliss, kids entering in and having a great time..yada yada...She is out to prove that she is the woman of his dreams, and the fantasy keeps getting fed. I am amazed that the WS in here try to assimilate the children into their adulterous affairs so quickly. They have no clue that the kids resent it when mommy or daddy are with someone other than their other parent. They dont let the kids get used to the idea they arent even together anymore without trying to *replace* them with OP. That is just sick and it is totally selfish. They dont do it for the kids, they do it for themselves. They reason that *if the kids like OW, then its alright...we will all be happy together.* Talk about FOG!! And, as is usually the case, OP is manipulating it..*I would love to meet your kids.* *We could all be so happy together!* (ptooey...makes me want to vomit)<P>Mo, the only way he can justify his A and keep up the front with OW, is to put you down. He has to make you little in order to make the affair right in his mind. YOU have to be at fault, in order for him to justify this in his own mind. YOU did nothing to deserve it...but he has to make you the scapegoat. HE cannot/will not, in his eyes or OW, be responsible for anything, but you can be. It is safe and allows the A to continue, absolved of all guilt. HE is deep in it!!<P>Take a deep breath. Protect you, and the kids. What he and OW did was dead wrong. Hang in there. Keep posting and update us. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Well, I took my mom to the airport today. She layed into me about that this was my fault...I should have divorced him years ago. I was stupid to have so many kids(4) with him. He was horrible to me for years and everyone saw it...and on and on and on. She told me to quit crying and get on with life...accept that it is over. I need to grow up. By the end of this conversation, she was yelling at me. (It is a two hour trip to KC airport). I love my mom...but if she says one more time "Your dad and I told you not to marry him", I will wring her neck--even if she is 79 years old. <BR> I probably did something bad. I stopped at the employee parking lot and got the boat keys from my husband's vehicle, a bag of bills he had in the truck from our house(found lots of mc receipts--he has been wining and dining and renting cars in HOuston TX, where she has a house. I also took his copy of the divorce papers--probably shouldn't have done that--I haven't been served yet. He doesn't want to give me maintanence, and I pay for all transportation for the kids, and eduacational expenses and he wants joint custody of the kids. I wish my lawyer was in town. I don't want him to have joint custody-I don't even know if I want him to drive with my kids in the car. He has such a bad temper and he drinks and drives. I can drive back up and put it back in his truck tomorrow. Don't know if I should or not. I keep doing dumb things. I am just so upset and angry at this point. How dare he bring her on the boat with my kids? How dare he tell me about divorce papers in an email....how dare he give them to the sheriff to give to me? The reality of this is killing me. My 15 year old said that he has written her three emails justifying what he did. He sees nothing wrong with having his girlfriend on the boat. He wants to accompany my daughter on a trip to Maine to see his parents--which she has been planning with her Uncle Justin. She told me about this a few mintutes ago. She says she wants nothing to do with him. My daughter was the one who discovered that he had his girlfriend on the boat--she heard her voice and asked him how he was going skiing with only Kaitie and Kyle(no legal watcher). He said he couldn't talk and he had to go. She called him back and heard her voice. She told her dad that he has no morals and that he is teaching the wrong thing to Kaitie and Kyle. <BR> I think you are right...he is doing everything to justify his affair. He would like nothing better for her to be accepted by the kids...he just wants to dump me. I am really hurt. This is so sad. I know I haven't been posting for other people lately...but I am really devastated again. My mother says to let it go...how hard that is to do. She tells me not to dwell on it and do something productive to end this misery. I don't know how to do that. My biggest fear is the fear that I have had all along. Jim will land on his feet with a new wife, the life that we had envisioned and the kids. I will be left with a mess. Life isn't fair, is it. <BR>

MnM -<BR>My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry to hear this, and your mom goes home tomorrow - 21 years, how can someone not love someone after that? Divorce shouldn't even be a word or concept in our lifetime.<P>One thing would be to talk to Steve Harley, I know you are devastated, and can hardly think. Especially with having to take care of the kids too. He is in wonderland, its fog; he just doesn't realize. Have you also posted over on the D/D board (I know hard if all friends are here). I really feel bad for you and your news, we are crying with you too.<P>I even hate to bring up the financial ramifications of it - ie. proof of affairs - I have a friend who pays $300/mo per child ($900), and the first one wasn't his, she went after him when she was pregnant, and he married her, and he considers him his son. Please don't get mad at me for introducing this. <P>Your h needs time with the OW, just like in SAA. To have their relationship bomb, because it will. Women like this, who want MM are snakes - they are even lower than snakes.<P>Wish we could give hugs in person, we know you need it - hugs, aftershock

NO it isnt!! But think first of all...his life is with (*yuck*) her. You have a chance to start over and make and create something new!! Yes it is hard, it sucks, but you deserve something a whole Hell of a lot better than that mess you are in now! <P>You need to take inventory of who you are, what your talents and strengths are...<P>You have taught your children the right things...ie your 15 year old has a right to have nothing to do with him, and the court will grant her that right!! As far as no maintenance and all the crap in the D papers, you can start by burning them. He has no right to make any demands on you since he is the one that walked out! Have your lawyer get you all you can and protect your children!<P>I do not often advocate giving up and moving on, but if you are not going to have any choice in the matter, lets work on you and getting you where you need to be in order to strengthen you in this!! You are a good woman, you do not deserve this, and you dont have to wilt in the face of an adultering WS!!! <P>(By the way, did you ever see a 79 year old wringed neck? Not a pretty site...LOL...but I know what you mean!!)<P>Take tonite and do something fun with the girls. Tell H to stay away and leave you alone, as you and the girls are having a *family night* and he has chosen not to be part of that!! Or take a nite for you....breathe, bubble bath, movie...anything for you to relax!!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Even at Universal Studios, the facades show up as fakes. They only look good on camera, from a distance and at the movies or on TV. In reality, it is obvious they are fakes. So it is with the A. It is a fake. A pretty good imitation from a distance. But a fake none the less. <P>Take comfort in that thought. Wolfe in sheep's clothing. Cheap imitation of a rolex. A suit that looks like a million dollars but doesn't make it through the first dry cleaning, etc. <P>Until that facade falls and is exposed, they hang onto the belief they are real. You on the other hand know better. Remember that OW is a cheap W wanna be and she is not doing a good job. You are. <P>There is a saying that you often hurt the ones you love. Couldn't be more true than now. why? No one really knows, especially the Ws. Don't look for that logic. Protect yourself. But remember that you are the genuine one. He wants a cheap imitiation for now? Let him have it. He couldn't pawn her off if he tried, unless it is to someone more deparate than him. He won't pawn you off since you are way too valuable. Remember that!!<P>L.<BR>

Thanks everyone!!You really make me feel better. Maybe there will be a future for me too. I have 4 great kids, who at the moment are very supportive of me. <BR> I don't know who I am anymore--my life has been so wrapped around his for so long...I guess that became my identity. I am a professional, I do teach...but I was hoping to look at a new field this year. Special services is so tough emotionally and I was really drained even before this affair. I am not looking forward to school starting in a few weeks. It is tough even when I am not emotionally upset. Besides my two youngest are learning disabled, and I was hoping to channel my energies into their educations. Jim knew all that...guess it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to him is his happiness. I have to laugh....he keeps saying in his emails that he is only doing this for the good of the family. We have worked together in his AF career--how he can possible say we never worked well together. I met with my friend for lunch yesterday--she thinks he is ADHD. She gave me a lot of books to read on the subject and he does display a lot of the characteristics. He has always had extreme mood swings, a quick temper, lack of patience, and total disorganization. He blames all that on me tho. I don't know, maybe my mom is right. At this point, it really doesn't matter why. He doesn't want to be married to me. Will he ever realize what he has lost? I can still visualize us growing old together, watching our kids growing up, traveling and having fun. I have trouble getting this "fantasy" out of my head. I just want a normal family and marriage. The reality is, I can't be the only one that wants it. Have to run pick up the kids from vacation bible school and soccer camp. Thank you all so much for your support. <BR>