I wake up in sweats, from horriffic dreams, scared half to death. Feelings of emptyness, a bottle tossed in the waves of a shore. To and fro, the seasickness of the ups and downs. The pain I feel constantly in my lower abdomen, my gut, never goes away. The knots are crippling at times, causing me to gag. I again have no desire to eat. The feelings and thoughts that constantly run through my mind, overwhelm my day and night. Feelings of being caged, chained down, the hencemen, lurk. <P>I stand here in this capsule, that is a pause in time.<P>The intestinal fortitude I have to maintain to stay in control of what I have running through my mind half the time is all I can bear. I have these deep seated feelings of really wanting to be destructive, and escape. I feel boxed in. Claustrophobic like feelings tighten in my chest. The squeezing in my chest, the tightness I have in my sternum and back. From the numbness I feel in my limbs, to the akward floaty feeling in my testes. <P>Wanting to break free, from this capsule frozen in time.<P>I don't think you will ever understand what it actually feels like to be where I am. Feelings of being pinned to a wax filled lab tray, open for inspection, and proding in my gut. The feeling for the recent lose of a relative, are a much more comforting place and they shouldn't be. Stripped of all my pride, my self esteem, my honor and my dignity are the most painful of all. My courage and integrity lay shattered in the feet of my soul. Holding to the pebble of lifes plummenting crevices, not wanting to drown in the darkness below. Fear dances with me, uncertainity is my companion, and death wants to be my best friend. Breathing is a thought at times, feeling the hot breath burns the back of my throat. Labored at times, uncontrollably at others. <P>Feeling tears on my face and not knowing where and why they came. Stares into places, that never received a glance before. Gazes into reflections of myself in a mirror, I wonder who is there behind me.<P>Staring across my pillow to the one that held your beautiful face. The flat spot on your side of the bed is cold and desolate. The house is absent of your sweet gentle voice, your song and your breath. The warmth that once was there when you moved past me in the hall is now stale and immovable. The sparkles of your eyes, shint dimly in fading light. The comfort that you made with your presence, made me feel at home. The mother in you, gentle loving and kind; respect for yourself and our children.<P>The stillness of everything, as nothing else seems to pass me by. The aura of companionship hangs in the gallows, trying to reach it before the last breath is breathed. That feeling of not getting there, like your late for a special engagement, encompasses my dawn, dusk and night. Being bumped into by someone, who continues on their way. The joker, standing before me, teases with objects, pulling them away, quickly, outsmarting me and tricking me. Watching from within, a wreck, in slow motion, passes before my mind, not being able to reach out quick enough, not being able to shout a warning. <P>Hearing, smelling and tasting nothing. Matter is all gray. A world without color, a meal without taste, an concert without sound.<P>Gravity is noticed in my feet and my shoulders. My neck hard to hold high. The compression on my heart, between two hands of a power clock. Feelings of instability, the dive that didn't go right. Assuredness gone, recovery impossible before the splash. The white knuckle airline flight into a turbulent dark cold sky. The letter in the mail, the uncertainness, of the contents before you open it. The gigantic mall in search for my child. The streets, wet and dark, in search for my dog. The impoliteness of a stranger, a driver who cut you off. The uncaringness of the bill collector, the day your power got shut off. The odessity of the clerk who stands there and doesn't notice you. This place I have entered is a pause in time. Stillness of the soul, a place to wait, hurt and hope.<P>Do you really think that I would bear all of these things, the person that I was, and want to be with someone who doesn't care about me right now. Do you think that I am that ridiculus that I desire the person that you don't even know yourself? Do you think that I'm grasping onto you because I am afraid of being alone. I haven't ever been afraid of anything. You say that I don't love you. You say that I am mean and don't care. You say that you don't want to share yourself with me anymore, not your bed, your heart, or your life. Am I not worthy of the decency that you give to people you don't even know. You are caught in some horrible web and your gnawing at everyone and everything that is trying to reach out to you. Many people have tried to come to your aide and they are no longer here. I have stood here throughtout the duration while I have watched you, in so much pain, and confusion, at the sake of my own. I do so because I care for you deeply. I do so because you are still MY friend. I do so because you are MY wife. I do so because I LOVE YOU.<P>I stand her in this pause of time, where life stops, and patience begins. <P>How can I explain what you are doing to me... How many times do you have to look into my eyes, full of tears. How many ways do I have to say I'm sorry. How many deaths must my heart die. How many, how many horrible ways? How much lower do I need to lay. How far do I have to carry this, before I drop it. How hurt do I have to be for you feel satisfied for the mistakes that I have made. How much health do I have to lose. How many ways do I have to break. How much pain do you want me to bear? <P>Whatever you think that I can't do, I can, because I have been right here by your side all this time. I have carried the loss of comfort and companionship, friendship, love and security. The cross I have beared. The hurt I have made it through. The pain I have dealt with. I am becoming a better person on the inside. The sadness I carry, the pain you see me feel, the loss of hope that is dimming quickly isn't for me. Its for you, as I stand here waiting in time.<P>A<P>I love you. <P><BR>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 25, 2001).]

Gosh, can see how stress is literally affecting you physically.<P>When we are under stress, our gut releases enzymes causing symptoms as you describe. There is medication to neutralize it, but what you really need is to cast all your burdens on the Lord.<P>We were not made to carry the stress of life's problems, ever. We need help. God is there with you, experiencing the pain there with you, inside of you, in your deepest thoughts and is just waiting for you to invite Him to help you.<P>He wants to take over carrying the load for you so you can go on with your life and be productive while you hang in the balance waiting for your spouse to come around. Roll everything off of your shoulders and over to Him. Print your post and ball it up and CAST it into the trash. Don't take it back out! Cast your cares on the Lord for He cares for you lovingly and watchfully... Nothing in this earth will ever separate you from His love. His peace belongs to us and we can have it in the middle of life's storms. Just open up your heart and mind and receive it.

H2Y, are you thinking of giving this to your W? Or just venting? It's good to get those feelings out...don't recommend sharing with your W.<P>You have a very poetic way of expressing how alot of BS feel. You are not alone my friend.

That's pretty awesome stuff, man. I definitely agree that it is probably more than your wife would be able to bear right now. But bear it upon us, and we will help share your burden as much as we can. <P>Just know that you are not trapped, but free. You are your own person, not her puppet. You can take control of your own life and become the best man you can be. And after all is said and done, if she still chooses not to fall on you, you are still free. A whole life of happiness can await you. This is what I feed my clouded mind when I am down there... deep down where you don't feel anything at all... except pain. <P>Triumph over that pain, though, and she may see you in a new light. A man far stronger and more desireable than she once knew. Hang in there, man.

Thanks BIN, Vernon and GM..<P>No I'm not sending this one... just had a bad night when I wrote this. Poured my self into my keyboard.<P>Thanks for your comments.<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town<P>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 26, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 26, 2001).]

Wow H2You...<P>Couple this with my letter to WS, and what a lecture circuit we could go on!! This was awesome my friend...something that all can benefit from!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart