My W (the WS) told a friend that she doesn't want me to see her vulnerable. She doesn't want me to see that she has taken on too much work & volunteer activities and that she feels like she failed her marriage and family with the A. My W shows not emotion at all about the A or in trying to reconcile with me. The friend says my W doesn't want to show any emotion about these things and that it stems from growing up with an alcoholic father and trying to fix things herself and hold emotions in. Somehow though, she found she could share all of this with OM. She felt safe with him and that she could be open.<P>Is this a common reaction to problems by children of alcholics? If so, I can't understand because when my W and I first met, she was sharing problems with me all over the place. Then it stops when we get married?<P>My W told me the other night (when we were doing the counseling homework) that she has closed off her heart to anyone--including me as this is the best way to deal with the problem. Any comments or advice on this?<BR>SG

I understand this. My two stepfathers were alcoholics. Plus they were cruel--verbally abusive.<P>You learn that the people who are supposed to love you the most aren't really there for you...you learn to focus on that...<P>That is what I did in my marriage (I am BS)...I focused on what he didn't do...I wanted him to be there for me, but I really didn't 'let' him.<P>I always kept a piece of myself back. Unconsciously, let him know that I could take care of myself and didn't 'need' him...<P>Expected him to disappoint me...abandon me...everyone else who 'loved' me did...mom...dad...sisters...brothers...I expected to be used and for people who loved me to treat me badly...gave to them more than I would let them give to me...BUT COMPLAINED about it...<P>How did I learn this? I had a couple of revelations before d-day...unrelated to d-day. I have also been doing a lot of reading since d-day. I recognized what I have done....am now learning why I did it and how to change...<P>But, as with alcoholism, the person has to recognize what is going on and desire to change it...you can't do it for them...<P>Has she ever gone to al-anon? or similar group? Children of alcholics? That might be a place to start.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Wow Cali! I sure understand what you're saying. Although I don't think I could put it into such profound wording. But it is as though I could.<P>Growing up in an alcoholic environment (my dad is one) is very hard. You learn to keep things inside. The big problem of the alcoholism is not talked about, and I believe that we learn from that. When other big problems come up in our lives, we keep them in, because we've 'learned' how not to talk about it.<P>SprayerGuy: IMO, your W was having big problems with you. And because she didn't know how to talk about them with you (as she should have), she went elsewhere.<P>I am the BS, but I know my actions are what slowly drove my H away. However, although he was not raised in an alcoholic environment, he was raised in a house where big things were kept hush-hush. So he didn't know how to address them either. It's a slow process, but I'm proud to say that he and I are both working on that.<P>Karen<BR>

Cali,<P>No, she has never been to any of those groups. She deals with problems by finding more work and volunteer activity to do so she doesn't have to deal with the problems at home. It is difficult for me to understand.<P>Yes, I know that the changes need to come from her. It is hard to take that another man was able to do all of this for her but I don't think that he really ever asked anything else of my wife. He didn't need anything from her and she didn't feel any risk looking vulnerable to him.<P>Any advice on what to read? How can I suggest these other support groups or reading material without it seeming confrontational or demanding or that I'm putting her down? That seems to be how she reads everything from me these days.<BR>SG

sprayerguy,<P>get the book "Adult Children of Alocholics". It is pretty straight forward and will help you understand your wife.<BR>It seem that the adult child can go either way. They can be very outgoing and giving or take the route of being a loner, deceptive, untruthful. The behavior is like a dry drunk.

SprayerGuy,<P>My life is pretty much a spittin' image of yours. I have just finished reading the "Adult children of Alcoholics" and can see the syptoms of what your wife does as been true signs. Children of alcoholics usually grow up being one of two things, extreme underachievers or extreme overachievers. In your case she's overachieving. My wife is going to counseling to learn methods of how to speak up when something bugs her instead of being a conflict avoider, which in my opinion most WS's are. I would strongly recommend looking at counseling for her or both of you and it wouldn't hurt for you to look into some symptoms of depression and see if your wife fits any of the classic signs. I'm saying this because my wife is just now pulling out of a depression that only got worse when the A was exposed. I would really like to lend you a hand in your journey because it will be tough and you may need someone to go to for support. I have been there and can tell you most of the right things and all the wrong things to do. Email me if you wish at drl911@hotmail.com and I can share some of my experiences with you and hopefully help you learn about your wife and how she thinks. It's really amazing how much they are usually quite alike in how they deal with things. Anyway, I wish you the best and prepare yourself to learn because that's what is going to take.<P>Ciao,<BR>Jab

Jaberwocky:<P>Thanks for the feedback and offer to provide any other advice. Yes, she has always seemed like an overachiever, I just did not think that she would put her family and marriage at risk by being so. She feels like she is letting down her 'students' now if she gives her free(?) time to her family. We're lucky to spend a few hours with her on the weekends and weeknights now and the only thing she'll talk about is work.<P>We are counseling together now with Steve Harley but I'm wondering if she needs more than marriage counseling to learn how to open up more and not hold things in. She won't make the time to go to something like this anyway. She doesn't really seem be depressed although I think that if she continues committing more of her time to work and other activities, that she is going to reach a point where she can't take it anymore. She's never seemed more happy and energetic professionally.<BR>SG

I went home and checked for another book that my wife has read and said was actually more informative one that "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and it is called "Adult Child of Alcoholics Syndrome". Anyway, she said it was a great book.<P>Take care,<BR>Jab

A book that I read long, long ago was Suzanne Somers autobiography...the parts about she and her father were very telling...unfortunately I wasn't at a point in my life that I could take the info and use it...<P>The pieces of the puzzle came together slowly after years...<P>I know you want your wife to read a book, see herself and 'come to her senses.' That is what I want my H to do as well...I keep putting books and information into his path...just take care...my H is getting resentful...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>