Wow, I am learning a LOT from this post on what NOT to do!! Especially what Karen said about telling everyone what her WS did and now having to deal with it. It just makes me that much more sure that I am keeping this secret, even if it doesn't work out. <P>Mistakes I made? I could spend all day...<P>1) Like everyone, I regret being a fool and replacing what I feared and knew with what I hoped. But I don't regret being a romantic sap who still believed in love and trust. Still do. (I think)<P>2) Not seeing a doctor about my impotence problem sooner and leaving my wife feeling unattractive and unwanted.<P>I'm sure I'll make more mistakes as the road goes on. But even so, I won't allow myself to make more regrets.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GodlyMan:<BR><B>Wow, I am learning a LOT from this post on what NOT to do!! Especially what Karen said about telling everyone what her WS did and now having to deal with it. It just makes me that much more sure that I am keeping this secret, even if it doesn't work out. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do not keep it a secret from everyone.. you still need some support in person. This board is great, but you'll need a bit more. If a counsellor or pastor is enough, then great... but sometimes you need a friend to talk to.<P>My biggest regret isn't so much that I told everyone, but that I told them so many of the details of the affairs, each time a new one popped up. But I couldn't hide the fact that he was no longer living here, and I was left to look after the 3 boys on my own.<P>My suggestion is to save the gory details for here and to a professional counsellor... but don't keep it all inside.<P>I have learned from this experience, far more than I wish I did. But I will admit, I didn't know of any other way to deal with it other than to talk, talk, and talk some more. When I recently found out I was pregnant I kept it quiet. It was a good test. And even now that I've miscarried, I still haven't told many people. And I'm glad.<P>Karen<P><BR>

Thank you Karen. I have probably told too many people. I didn't at first, but the longer this goes on, the more people I tell. But I try to be very careful and cautious. I just have a need to be open - especially if someone "drags it out of me". You are right though. Some people in our life can truly help and support us through this. Some people, however, give me the old "let the bum go" speech.

Topie, sorry to hear that (do you mean the most recent one?)<P>Everybody, thanks for responding, it is a great release.<P>Sorrow looks down<BR>Fear looks around<BR>Faith looks UP

I haven't told any family, but I have told some Long Distance friends (that I knew before I moved across the country) that I have poured my heart out to in emails. No gory details, but still all I am feeling. They, too, have given me the "dump the b!#*h" line. They aren't quite as sensitive as they should be, maybe <P>

Telling people you shouldn't is a big one - I've done that, I just pray (PRAY), it doesn't come back to haunt me. I've realized that they do not understand, like we do here. They are in a different "mothership". One person doesn't understand why I can't get over the OW. I analyze this, and realize it is so much deeper, with the self-esteem, they just don't understand the deepness of the breach of trust. I finally realized I shouldn't have ever talked to them about it.<P>I don't feel the need to have to talk to them about it any longer, and it really was best I had not. But I can't take it back now.

I am sitting here like a blubbering idiot looking at all the people that I have come to respect and care about and all the pain that we have all shared, whether a WS or a BS.<P>I, too, have learned tons from this simple little post on little ways improve me and us!<P>Thank you my friends... <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Stupid things I did:<P>...blindly trusting my H<BR>...enabling his alcohol addiction<BR>...putting up with his mid-life crisis crap and allowing him to go places by himself (without me), this led to the affair<BR>...letting him waste money on his selfish & unecessary things (activities & drinking) when we barely had enough money for food for our family

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by after shock:<BR><B>I'll go first . . .<P>Called the OW . . . and asked her "What did you think you were doing?" <P>aftershock<P><BR>Sorrow looks down<BR>Fear looks around<BR>Faith looks up</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandconfused:<BR><B>(and here comes the dumb thing) I threw my W's cell phone through the wall. Put a big hole in the sheetrock and broke her cell phone.S&C</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What's wrong with that????????? I hate cell phones now.<BR>I bought my wife one so that I could call her when I was<BR>out of state - turns out she was already waaay into her<BR>affair and the cell phone just helped accelerate it.<P>Throw the cell phone through a wall, I say. Beats throwing<BR>your WS through the wall!<P>Bob/Bama<P>

living afraid:<P>afraid to disagree with wife<BR>afraid of being unlovable<BR>afraid of being honest<BR>afraid to care for myself<BR>afraid to leave instead of cheat<P>just living afraid. i didnt give my wife what she needed she didnt give me what i needed and i was too dang afraid to say or do anything to change it.<P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz