Hi folks. Been reading the threads and responding as best I can...<P>Well, I got back from NYC on Sunday night and have been staying in an Extended Stay hotel, and I didn't hear from her until some time on Monday. She and I talked briefly a few times when I was in NY but it was always about financial matters, or just superficial stuff... I was on the go a lot.<P>Since I've been back, there was the call on Monday, and then I left a letter at the house Monday night for her to read... It was the letter that I worked on in NY, kind of a Plan A letter that I felt was necessary as we have just had very little communication over the last two weeks and I wanted her to know where I stood. I have a copy on the computer if you want to read it... I think it was pretty good... I basically apologized for problems that I felt were my responsibility in the marriage, indicated that I was changing myself into a better person, not for her, but for me, and that I believed we still had a chance. I went ahead and risked the LB by saying that the A would have to stop unequivocally before we could work on our relationship. I kept it light, kinda funny, etc.<P>I left it Monday night, and by Tuesday mid-morning, I was convinced that it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I went home hoping that maybe she had not been there (wait - I was not hoping she had spent night with OM... oh you know what I mean) but she had in fact already opened it and had been playing the CDs I left with the letter for her.<P>So she got the letter Monday night. But no reaction until later Tuesday afternoon, which wasn't even about the letter... It was about $$$, specifically a bill we haven't paid that's about to go into collections.... She basically called me up to rail on me for not helping her pay it when we incurred it together. She was a real b$%^# on the phone to me. I thought it over and called her back later... she was an even bigger b$%#@, when here I was just trying to help solve the problem. She's all stressed becuase if it's not paid by Monday, it's going to affect her credit and she'll probably lose her card.<P>She calls back later last night to apologize, and I say I'm going to fix the problem. I am. I'm going to go get a loan tomorrow, pay it off, and she can pay me half when she pays me my part of the settlement agreement. Here I am, the only one taking any action to fix the problem, while she just throws up her hands (it is her credit card, after all) and the OM, who is richer than God (no blasphemy intended) refuses to pay. Well he shouldn't pay it, I don't want him to. But at D-Day, I was told, "I want you to move out. If you do, there's someone who's going to come in and take care of all the bills." I can't help it he's changed his tune.<P>But you know what, I don't want him to pay it. I'm going to pay it, smile and say, "Does that feel better?" And I'm going to keep Plan A'ing (at a distance) and expect nothing in return.<P>I am just worried about our lack of communication. No calls tonight or even today. I had to call her. She seems pretty happy to not contact me and be without me and with him.<P>I'm rambling. Sorry. I'm happy about my new digs, ready to get sep agreement signed, just don't think she's caring very much for me. Doesn't seem to miss me. We're going Friday to her parents and are going to tell daughter then... It's going to be bad... She has no idea... On Friday, will be the first time W and I have seen each other in 2 weeks...<P>I just don't know that she loves me.<P>Sorry about the vent,<BR>zen

I'm glad you sent the update! I've been wondering about you. I'm glad you gave her the letter. I gave my H a similar letter - it will be two weeks ago tomorrow, and didn't hear anything about it. but I feel better for giving to him. It helped ME - so think of it that way. You told her your feelings, and she can't twist them - it's on paper. I asked him about it about 5 or 6 days after I gave it to him, just "did you read my letter?" He said, yes. pause (I was waiting...) "Thank you for some of the things you said in there." pause. Whew, well, I left it at that - didn't want to push or get into LB'ing. I just said you're welcome.<P>Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. We don't talk much at all. None - if he had it his way. I send msgs on his phone every morning and every night - just Good morning and Good night, with a short blessing. Sometimes he replies, sometimes not. I pass along the normal e-mail jokes that go around, and about once every 2 weeks I send E-Cards that he actually picks up. <P>I guess the only thing I know to tell you is keep plan A'ing. You are in a whole new ballgame now that you are back from NY and separated. Give it some time. My H doesn't miss me at all either, but MB and the folks here say keep plan A'ing as long as possible. I believe!! I trust in the power of Plan A!!<P>We don't have the $$ issues (thank God! We had them for YEARS!!! just not now), and I'm sorry you have them, but we had a few touchy conversations at first after separation. But we are pleasant with each other now - which gives me hope that Plan A is working.<P>Anyway, i'll quit rambling now. I need to go to bed early tonight. DOn't apologize for venting - feel free anytime! You may have the need over the next couple of weeks. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Hi Zen,<P>Meet any more celeberties on your trip? How was the rest of the Mac show. My H is an avid mac fan. <P>About the OM being Mr. Rich? Don't count on it. The OW here flaunted a lot of stories, bottom line is now she claims to be broke since she has to pay the mortgage for the house she lives in. Wow why be different thatn the rest of hte world? Now she can't splurge on the WS like she promised she would. <P>So let them blow smoke about being rich. If he wants to pay the bills, hey let them. Consider it payment fo r 'emotional adultery'(this is a term OW concocted up when H came home - she said H commited emotional adultery against her by going back to his wife). Hm..... think I can collect a settlement in an emotional divorce? Where is that TV divorce judge?<P>You take care of yourself. The fact that your W flies off the handle then has to apologize shows she is still very much in confusion land. That in itself shows all is not well in the A. <P>So stick to your plan and be good. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Zen,<P>Was wondering about you. Sounds like you are doing ok under the circumstances. I know that this is tough and it's going to get worse when you have to tell your step-daughter.<P>I hope that the sun starts to shine through her fog soon.<P>Hang in there.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

<B>I went ahead and risked the LB by saying that the A would have to stop unequivocally before we could work on our relationship. I kept it light, kinda funny, etc.<P>I left it Monday night, and by Tuesday mid-morning, I was convinced that it was the stupidest thing I've ever done.</B><BR>Not gonna say, "I told you so..." <P><B>I'm going to pay it, smile and say, "Does that feel better?"</B><BR>No you're not. Sarcasm serves no useful purpose in a relationship except to bring it down.<BR><B>sar·casm (särkzm)<BR>n. <BR>1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.<BR>2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.<BR>3. The use of sarcasm.</B><P><B>And I'm going to keep Plan A'ing (at a distance) and expect nothing in return.</B><BR>Make sure you don't even <I>sound</I> like you are expecting anything as in the above statement.<P><BR>Just hang on.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

zen - ditto Orchid and Chris - except I don't think the letter was a dumb move except maybe for the ultimatum sounding part about OM. Regardless, put it behind you.<P>Despite the Plan A logic, be very careful of your financial commitments, e.g., loans for her in your name. Plan A doesn't mean you have to bail her out totally or fund her new lifestyle.<P>WAT