AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! I'll try to remember everything. The C started out by asking how things were. H went first, telling him that he knew that some things he had said to me had really devastated me over the last week. He talked about the fact that he didn't feel guilt, that he was pushed into it, etc. But THEN he told the C that he was going to the counseling to get to the point where he understood that what he'd done was not justified (I was thinking he could have shared that with me the other night!)<BR> <BR>So, its my turn and I say that I have lost all hope of ever being happy in the marriage. I said up until this point, the marriage was based on H's happiness alone. I explained that when we met, I was very needy and insecure and thought that no one else would come along. I explained how I spent money on H because I was fearful that if I didn't, he would leave. I explained that I only felt H was happy with me when he was getting "things" from me. I said that when I made the decision to move to Texas, I felt it was the first and ONLY time I stood up for myself and my happiness, and that H wouldn't let me have that one thing. I said the resentment started then. I said that I became angrier and angrier at the fact that he couldn't make it work in Texas, and that when I DID move the family back home as he wanted, he STILL couldn't treat me with love, honor and respect. I said that after this past weekend with H saying to me that he just couldn't see that he had treated me with less importance that I deserved, that I lost all hope of him EVER taking responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage. Then the C asked me if I felt that the C would help to get me past this feeling of hopelessness. I said NO. I said if C were making ANY effort at working on this, other than physically being there, it might help. I said that all he'd done since he moved home was TEST me to see if my anger, my insecurities and my jealousy would show its ugly head. I said that C expects that I've made all my changes and I HAVEN'T! I said "isn't that why you work on repairing the marriage?" H expects me to be what he wants me to be, but has NO intention of ever making the changes necessary to ensure my happiness in the marriage. <BR> <BR>I also said that its o.k. that he doesn't want to change. I said its entirely possible that we are not the right people for each other. I said that I'm tired of H saying "there must be SOMETHING there, or I would have just divorced you."<BR> <BR>I told H and the C that I wanted H to leave. I asked that he wait until Friday after our girls leave for their church camp. We get out of counseling and H says he can't believe I said I didn't like him! I said "did you miss the part where I said I wasn't in love with you anymore?" He said he didn't hear that. He also told me that it hasn't even been 3 weeks and he couldn't believe I couldn't be a little more patient! I said PATIENT, who hasn't been PATIENT! I said you moved out in March telling me that you wanted to work on the marriage, when all you wanted to do was develop a new relationship! I said I HAVE BEEN PATIENT!<BR> <BR>The end of the story is not yet written. He still wants to stay. He says that he originally came home because he loves me and he wants to fall in love with me again. He says that hasn't changed. I'm such a mess, now I want to give him the chance. <BR> <BR>This morning he called me and said that he would write the letter this weekend with my help, and that I could mail it. I told him that I didn't want him to do it out of pressure, but because its what HE wanted. He said its the right thing to do (however, he also told the C last night that he had felt pressure from me to move home!)<BR> <BR>HEEELLLLLPPPP!!<BR>

Myownme:<P>You're in a common situation---by the time the WS comes home, the BS is exhausted. The WS may just be getting into withdrawal, and needs extra attention. You figure it's your turn---your giver has had enough, and your taker is ready for some action.<P>First rule is to put all the guns away, unloaded ( ).<P>I'm concerned with your counseling. I see the counselor letting the two of you "take turns" venting, but I see no action plans that address both of your needs. I see no ability to nagivate you through this very difficult period. I think you should probably dump this counselor.<P>My advice would be to give Steve or Jenn Harley a call. They would help you both (individually, but with the marriage as the primary focus) figure out what you immediately need for hope---and then come up with a plan that you both would be accountable for. You wouldn't get off scot-free: there would be issues you'd need to address. But your husband would be in the same area---he'd be addressing those areas that would immediately give you "hope" that this marriage could actually be something you'd want to stay in (and eventually be great). If one of you wasn't doing the work---they'd deal with it in the most effective manner possible.<P>Please consider getting a new counselor (my preference would be one of the Harleys, 888-639-1639 for appts). I don't think this one has the skill set you need.

Myownme,<P>I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling right now. I know (personally) how difficult it can be. My only advice, based on my own experience, is to not make decisions based on pure emotions. I have done that on several ocassions and have regretted it after the emotions subsided. I have said or done things based on pure emotions and not rationale thought or taking into consideration what my true goals were. <P>From what I have read, the process you are going through right now (H is back but not completely) is a tough ride and may take some time. Sometimes focusing on good things (no matter how little) is helpful. For example, try focusing on the fact that your husband IS going to counseling with you, or the fact that he told you that he wants to work on falling in love with you again, or the fact that he want to recognize that he was not justified in having an affair (even if he couldn't tell you that in person). These are good things - little but still good. Try not to focus on the stupid things he says and does during this recovery period. I don't think the fog lifts all at once and there may still be one or two brain worms left - although it sounds to me like he is trying to remove them <P>Good luck - it's a tough road you're on and you are going to have to find strength where there is none left, but I think you can get through this and enjoy the outcome.<P>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited July 26, 2001).]

Thanks K,<BR>I do like the counselor and I think that if he had been given the opportunity to get a word in last night, he would have addressed the issues you suggested. My H is going to individual counseling with him as well, which the C suggested and I was shocked when H said he felt he needed that. I have just made an appointment to see him alone as well. I think that I've been focusing (since he came home) too much on what HE needs to do, and I've forgotten that I have things to do as well. That's why this site is so awesome. When I want to pout, I'm getting reminded that I had a hand in all of this as well! Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. They really help.