I woke up this morning, a little more peacefully. Perhaps God is really telling me it is time to move on. I am still worried about our financial situation. Guess that will have to wait until I see my lawyer next week. <P>Thank you all for your help and support. This has really been an emotional roller coaster. I need to get off this train track and get better for my kids and myself. He will have to live with his choices he has made. I have realized that two of us has to want a marriage to work...and in our case, it has only been me for so long. I will try posting on the divorce/divorcing site, and I will check in here to see how all of you are doing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

MnM -<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you, I hate to say God works in mysterious ways. The whole situation is just not fair. If you look back, was it something you tried to mend back together (I saw your post on dumb things . . .) The financial thing will be a big hurdle, have you been working? Just guard how much you talk to your lawyer, especially try not to use them as your counselor. It can really add....... up. I spent $5,000 on my lawyer (that's another dumb thing on another dumb relationship), I made payments monthly, until it was paid off. Don't do this either - spend the entire day in a room going over the value of everything you have. If it was your H who went out and had the A's, and the d is going to happen because he thinks (right now) this OW is the perfect one for him - eventually that relationship will change and the stars and rainbows will be gone, and he will be left with reality. I do not want to sound morbid here, but ask for all you can. And don't let your emotions get the best of you. I sat down for three days documenting everything we'd spent on a sailboat (everything), that was about $26,000 in about 2 1/2 years. He gave up the "bonds", glad it happened before the tax filing that year. I was going to go to court, but decided the day before I didn't want to see him (ever again), so I told my lawyer, "you go, you won't see me there". My lawyer called to tell me it was final, that afternoon I went to my lawyer's office to pick up "my bonds", my x had taken off with them the night he left, that was almost 5 years of savings bonds.<P>The other thing my x did was to keep coming back to our townhouse and getting stuff. He did not break in, but he took all the stuff in the storage by the deck, and he broke in a couple of times to the extra storage. I would go and find the hinges unscrewed. We worked different shifts, so it was easy for him to come over during the day. I don't know why I ever married him (I do - but I'll leave that one), he was always an a**.<P>I did the same thing, at first I wanted him to go to counseling, which in our state was mandatory if one spouse wanted it. I told him, and he said NO WAY. I came to the realization too, that forcing him was not the way to go - so I waved the white flag - believe me I was so much better in the long run. He was a real creep - I knew it before I married him. Looking back, I see he had a real anger streak in him (he only used it twice on me - once we had a fight, and he pushed me up against the wall - the next time was the day after he left, and he came back for stuff, and he told me he would beat me if I didn't give him .... I knew he meant it - so I gave it to him).<P>MnM - hang in there, all I can say from the heart is to protect yourself, no matter what your emotions.<P>((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))), aftershock

I see this so much here, women married to absolute losers, and still trying to hang on to them, I just don't get it. I have come to a sort of theory, that women are genetically hardwired to (in a sense) need a man, and that any man is better than the risk of no man (up to a point). And possibly too, that they have a strong "nesting" sense and absolutely hate to see a marriage (and marriage) dissolve. These are related issues, and throw kids into the mix, and you have women that will put up with a tremendous amount of neglect/abuse and say they are love their H. Is this true?<P>In your case aftershock, you are so explicit, that you knew he was an a** when you married him, would you mind explaining why you married him?

Thanks for the advice After Shock. I am starting today to see where we stand finacially. When I took my mom up to the KC airiport yesterday, I stopped at his truck in the employee parking lot and picked up his copy of the divorce papers he had developed with his lawyer(I haven't been served yet). It is really unfair. I can't wait for my lawyer to come back into town. I am going to try to get I also found a bag of bills that he had both paid and not paid yet(he insisted on paying the bills about 2 years ago--I had done them for the 19 years before that). Interesting bills on trips he has taken with OW. I am going to go through them today and try to figure out where we stand. I know we are pretty far in debt-we took a large pay cut for his first years flying with the airlines. It would have been ok now that he is off probation. His salary goes up again in September. I went back to school and got recertified again 5 years ago. Worked part time the first two years and taught full time the last three. I don't make very much though. Not enough to even feed and clothe my family. His divorce papers want me to pay all child care expenses, all educational expenses until the kids are 18 and then 50% of their college costs, all transportation expenses, etc. etc.<P> We have been looking for months for a new car for me, a truck for my daughter, I need a new refrigerator(23 years) old, a new dishwasher(husband gerry-rigged ours to last until he went off of probation), we need new furniture, new carpet, the deck needs to be worked on, the house needs to be painted. The list goes on and on. According to his divorce papers--he is not allowing for any maintanence. I know I shouldn't worry about this until I can see my lawyer---but how scary!!<P>When I went to his truck, I also took the boat keys. After bringing her here to be on the boat with the kids--I'm not giving them back. The sad part is that when we moved here we changed the titles on the boat, and all three of our cars to just his name to avoid state taxes here in Missouri. H was in the military and was domiciled elsewhere--and that is why it is like that. <P>I don't know....there is just so many issues. I don't even know where to start. I wish this hadn't of happened. I look at my friend's marriages....and I can't figure out why they can make it work and I can't. It is so sad. Oh well, onward to new possibilities.

Sad_N_Lonely,<P>I admit I have been thinking why I have put up with this for so long. I knew before I married him I was making a mistake...we had been together for 4 years. His alcohol abuse and anger flair ups started after we had been dating about a year. By that time, I was so in love with him. He has a wonderful side also...that is what makes it so very hard. I think it is a true abusive cycle. I didn't come from a family like that. My dad was very loving and kind. My mom was not very supportive of me and to this day manages to make me feel incompetent no matter what I do or how good I do it. Maybe I had to keep proving to her and my husband that I am a wonderful person. I have been successful in everything I have done....but I always have to keep proving myself. I don't know...I wanted my marriage to work. H has a great work ethic...we have gotten to do so many things. We have 4 great kids, we were successful in the AF, we got to travel and financially, he provided. I guess that is why I put up with him. I wanted desparately for it to work. I realize now that I can't make it work. He has problems that no matter how much I love him, I can't help him. I thinks he looks at me and sees his failure. Instead of admitting what he has done, he has to destroy me. I will survive this--I have the best part of my family here with me. Now, I just need to work on getting him out of my life. Give me the strength to do that.

mnm,<BR>Just talk to us here, but remember, it's talk, we can give advice based on prior experiences, but we're not lawyers. Like I said, get to the library asap, and find books on Divorce. Melvin Belli wrote one with a psychologist named Mel Krantzler: Divorcing, The Complete Guide for Men and Women, the dewey d number is 306.89 Bel.<P>I know it is hard, because you are going through so much emotion - I do remember how I went home for a week, during my separation in 1985, and screamed. I spent those 3 days going over receipts.<P>It is a good thing you got all that documentation. Chances are if your name is on any account - you should get the bills to go over. Figure out what he has spent for all these affairs - they cost alot of money, because the spouse is just spend, spend, spend. What are your laws in Missouri, about no fault?, or contributory. You can name her also in the counter suit - for alienation . . . <P>Hopefully your state is 50/50 - so you have interest in the cars, boat, house, etc. Of course he wants you to pay for everything, don't banter back and forth, if it is going to happen - even tho you didn't want it to - you need to look at your share. And I do recommend you ordering copies of all the credit card bills, that's why he took it all over, so you wouldn't know what was going on so he could hide it - once you look at the figures on paper you will be amazed - if you can't order them, have him order them, by court order. Hope you can.<P>Ok - sad_n_lonely - I was warned by a guy who knew my H for a long time, but I did not heed the warning, I thought "love" would conquer all. When I first met my x, I was not impressed, he was just a guy, I should have left it at that. Then he kept coming to see me, and sh*t, I started looking forward to him coming, I know it was stupid. He really pursued me, but I did not listen to my inner voice. Then he moved out of state, and I really missed him, absence makes the heart grow stronger. Before this he would go to movies, shopping, drink beer, when I finally saw him about 8 months later, he was different, and after we got together he really changed, went grocery shopping at first, but weaned me - where I did all the shopping. This guy was so detailed that he could tell on a power bill, if the heat had been turned up any degree, even one time during the month. We had ONE checkbook, and all the check #s had to be in sequence, you had to take the checkbook out of the little cash box. Anyway, I thought I loved him, it was stupid, I was stupid. I look at it now, that God put me in a different place to meet the H I'm married to now - <P>the guy I'm married to now, I have absolutely adored for almost 15 years, that is why this is so hard, what has happened to our relationship. I could never see myself with anyone else than my H now.

Mo...<P>G'morning!! Just wanted to say hi and give you a hug!! You are getting good advice, so I am not gonna add to the head spinning already going on! Just know that we are here if ya need us!!<P>Trueheart

Thanks After Shock. I think I had that book awhile ago. I stole it from my husband's truck...I just wasn't ready to deal with the issues yet. Anyway, I can't find it here now...he must have taken it back. I will go and get another one today. God, did you ever think life would be so difficult? I want things to get back to normal so that I can start functioning again. Life is to short to always be in hell. <BR>That was a great trip to Europe though. I hope I get to do that again. I love traveling. That is the first time I have been back there since I back packed through Europe when I got out of college. That was nice of Jim to purchase the trip for me, although he did it to appease his guilty conscience. I guess I should thank him.

MnM<P>I feel your pain and can so relate to it. I just moved in Nov 99 from the base you are at, don't know if you are in WBG or SED, but make sure that your lawyer knows military law/divorce. You do know that if you were married 20 years of his career that you will maintain, your ID and medical benfits til you re-marry and that you also get half of his retirement pay, that should be a good chunk of change if he was a pilot. My understanding is that that comes from uncle sam and is non-negotiable, it does not figure into child/spousal support. Try and get your name on the primary car that you drive if it is paid off, if not don't worry about. There's is also something about some insurance too that is your option to maintain not his, but that may be only active duty. These are all things that people have shared with me. I do know for sure about half of retirement.<P>Is your name on the boat? If so see if you can get it sold. Protect what it is you have. Be mean and go buy stuff that you want or need while the checking account is still joint. If nothing else he will be paying half of your new things instead of you paying fully after the divorce. Just a thought, sometimes it is fun to think vindicatively!<P>Just thought I would share, wasn't sure if you would know these things, we don't always listen to news when it doesn't pertain to us.<P>Best of Luck to you, I know about the peace that you talk of, I believe that it keeps me going, nice feeling!!<P>D

Daybreak, <BR>What a small world. I am worried H joined in 89, we were married in June of 80. He retired in March of 00. I am afraid I may not make the 20 year cut off. Scary thought. We have been married 21 years though.

MnM<BR>Did he retire or get out? Is he doing Reserve duty? I know that if you call base legal, they have some handouts concerning the spouses rights. You were married for 10 years, there is a percentage of the retiriement that you get. Make sure that you lawyer knows what you are entitled to. Not all do.<P>Are you going to stay in MO or go back home to where you are from? If this happened to me while I was still there, I would've stayed there, my kids and I liked the community, they went to Knob schools. Oh Well. Don't want to stay in VA, though so am going home. Your spouse is also entitled to one last move by the military, I think upto 18 months after retirement, if you wanted to go home, you might get spouse to do that before Divorce. Because H is PCSing my stuff will get moved free for me cause my stop is on the way. Good thing, it was a couple of K's if I had to pay or do the U haul thing, UGH!<P>D

I know I am entitled to half of his retirement...hope I can get the medical and other benefits also. This is a scary time.<BR>I wish I had enough guts to to show you all his latest emails. I am starting to wonder if he is insane. The way he twists things around. He is really sick.<P>Went upstairs to help daughter look for my sewing machine in the room H was working on. Guess what we found as we were shoving things around? Lifted up a bale of insulation and found a huge case of beer--all but three or four drunk. Hiding it under insulation. How warped. I think his behavior this past week with my kids and his mistress, has made me loose all respect and any love I have left for him. I am ready for this divorce...just wish I could see into the future.