A little update first-----for the last few weeks H has been saying that he is going to leave. I even found emails between H and OW that they were looking for places to live. All this time, he has been telling me that I need to prove to him why he should stay. I just can't get him to realize that nothing will change until OW is out of his life. Fast forward to Tuesday night---we were talking and he asked me why I won't just walk away. I told him that if that's what he was waiting for, it wouldn't happen because I believe in our marriage.<P>Yesterday, we were having a conversation on MS messenger, and I asked him what he meant by that statement. I asked him if he didn't think he could walk away, and if he wanted me to so he didn't have to. Answer---yes. I could see this as a good thing, but he in the same conversation said that he can't walk away from her, either.<P>OK---where do I go from here?? How do I ask him to make a decision without being the one to give the ultimatum--therefore giving him what he wants? I just don't think I can go on much longer with this scenario, but who knows, maybe after his deadline comes and goes, she will walk away. Do I wait until next weekend and see what happens, and if at that point, she is still in the picture tell him that I am not giving up on our marriage, but he has to leave until he can come to the decision to break it off with her?<P>I can see this going on until either OW or I cracks and gives up. That way he doesn't have to be the bad guy and make the decision on his own. Help, what do I do.....

J - Has your H always been this indecisive? I have a theory that some personality traits get magnified as a WS. For my wife it's her stubborness.<P>Anyway, it certainly sounds like he's trying to avoid making a decision, hoping you or OW will.<P>I see two options for you:<P>1. Make it easy for him to choose you and let him take all the time necessary to make a decision.<BR>2. Force him to make a decision one way or the other.<P>Of course, your Plan A has been aimed at option 1. I think you've done all you can on this and you'll not accomplish much more, and in fact, you stand to lose ground as you LB in your frustration. What you can't control is what OW does to make you the more attractive choice, i.e., she can do this by LB'ing from her side.<P>To implement option 2, you would have to give him an ultimatum with a deadline, up to and maybe including asking him to leave, going to Plan B and findng the fortitude within yourself to play hard ball. A passive way to do option 2 would be to let his self imposed (OW imposed?) deadline come and go and hope for the best, thus putting the ball in OW's court to see if she's woman enough to lure him out or b**chy enough to make him puke.<P>I don't really know what the best course is, but hopefully between us all we can air out all the options.<P>Dave (WAT)

H...<P>WAT is right on the money. H, being indecisive right now, wants someone else to make his decision for him. In this way he can absolve himself of all guilt and not take responsibility for anything that he has done. If you walk away, he is justified in still seeing OW and perpetuating the A. If you stay, and OW dumps him, he never left you, so is free to *come home*. Either way, he has nothing to lose by not making a decision. <P>I agree that it is time for Plan B. Plan B is for you to strengthen you, not feed into his A any longer and take the control. Up to now, you have been making sure you dont LB, meeting his EN to show him it was safe to come back to the M. His response has been to continue A. Getting to Plan B, puts him in a position to make a decision. If he chooses you, make sure you dont let him come home till he is totally ready to commit to the M. If he chooses to go, then he must count on OW for everything!! My guess is that wont last long when he sees her flaws!! Either way, you work on YOU!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I was rereading SAA last night...about plan A and plan B...plan A is to work on yourself...make marriage a safe place for WS to return to and to get them to 'separate' from the OP...<P>Time frame suggested is up to 6 months...<P>If you feel you have done a very good plan A and WS still moves out or stays with OP...plan b is suggested.<P>Plan b time frame is up to 18 months...plan b is to protect and preserve the love you have for WS.<P>If WS continues by the end of 2 yr. period your lovebank for him/her should be depleted and you should be able to move on...<P>So...how are you in plan A...if he moves out can you see yourself continuing plan A? do you need to continue plan A?<P>Are you ready for plan b? Have you made your marriage a safe place to return to? Have you made necessary changes? Where is your lovebank?<P>Take focus off OW and H and think about you...what do you need to do to move forward and grow...I've noticed a common theme...when BS's move forward and grow...WS's are intrigued and move closer...don't want to be left behind...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Thanks for the replies everyone. Earlier today, I sent him an email saying that I wasn't really sure where we were headed if he couldn't walk away from OW or the kids and I. His reply---"I guess it's time for me to break it off with her for the sake of all three parties". I know I should be ecstatic, but he's said this before, and it doesn't happen. So, the saga continues. I feel like I should wait for another week because I really think that OW gave him a dealine of August 1 (she's done this several times in the past). If it still doesn't happen then, Plan B and asking him to leave may be what needs to be done.<P>Dave----as always, thanks. I'm not really sure which course is the best, either, but I think what I'll do right now is wait for the deadline to come and go. If she doesn't walk away, or he doesn't break it off, then I'll proceed into the next phase.<P>Trueheart---I don't think I have replied to any of your posts, but truly appreciate your insight. I do agree that she'll "hang herself" by trying to pressure him. He referred to that in a couple of emails, and feels like she is making him make a decision. Too bad she doesn't know more about affairs and that she's essentially shooting herself in the foot.....<P>Cali---As for Plan A/Plan B, I think that if it comes to it, I'll probably move into Plan B when/if he leaves. There will have to be some contact, though, because we have 3 small kids. I've been doing Plan A for a long time now, and am starting to LB more and more, which definately indicates it's time for Plan B if he leaves. I'm trying my hardest,though, to Plan A like crazy until that happens. Only time will tell.....