My W of 23 years is cheating on me! (I'm almost sure!) The problem is I have all kinds of evidence, (I.E. Cell Phone calls, voicemails, she's been caught lying to me multiple times about where she has been, who's she's talking to, etc, etc.....)How can I get her to come clean with me? <P>I'm really getting desperate. She says that she has told OM that she can't talk to him anymore and then hung up on him. But, then I heard (from another reliable source) that she called him back on a friend's cell phone! I know this to be true! But, she claims that this OM is just a friend and that there is no A going on at all! <P>If this is all true, why is she always lying to me?!! Why is she so secretive? Why does she get angry when I catch her in a lie?!! She is always telling me, "I can't live like this any longer! I have no privacy! Are you watching me take a S**t too?!" <P>I don't want to LB anymore. I'm really working on Plan A'ing her. She says that she has NEVER been "In Love" w/ me, But I know she has been! She told me this on June 1, of this year! This was right after I had heart surgery! Gee...No stress in that! LOL! <P>I have always loved her, and still do. I don't care if she is having an A! I just want it to end, and I want her to tell me the truth for a change! She says that she would like to see our marriage work, and she seems to be trying, but the knowledge of what is going on behind my back is KILLING me! <P>What can I do???????????????????<P>Someone....PLEASE HELP ME!!

HT...<P>Take a deeeeep breath!!! <BR>Start there!! We all know what you are going through and have been there! You are doing the right things...<P>How much of Surviving An Affair have you read? Did you try to get her to write the No Contact letter? What was her response to that? If she wants to *make the marriage work*, then the No Contact letter has to be employed. As far as her not being IN love with you, that is a typical WS reaction when they are caught in an A and have to rationalize why it happened. (Im a recovering WS and want to puke now when I see that statement! LOL)<P>Take it slow HT. Realize that WS is scrambling right now because she realizes you know everything, can find out everything, and she has no place to turn. Her reactions, thus far, are text book if you keep reading the posts in here. Have you gone to the *Just found out* posts? There are some great places to start in there in terms of Harley concepts, too. Take it day by day, and realize you are in the right place!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

You've got your proof, whether you realize it or not. Your W is obviously spending too much energy on this OM. It is quite possible that it hasn't involved sex (a PA, physical affair), but an EA (emotional affair) can be harder to break, and is still an affair (although most who aren't MBers can't understand that concept very well).<P>Welcome to MB... I'm sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. This is a great place to vent your frustrations and learn.<P>What should you do? READ, READ, and READ more and more. This site has so much information, that it takes a while for it to sink in (it took me a few weeks of constant reading). Then the next step is to apply the knowledge as you are learning. That's the hardest part, but well worth the efforts.<P>Start by plan Aing. Read up on EN's (emotional needs), and try to meet as many of them as you can towards your W. Learn about LB's (love busters) and try to avoid them at all costs (although, we're all human, and slip ups do occur, so don't fret on them, learn from them). Once you get the hang of that, you'll be learning more about yourself too. Implement YOUR changes into your plan A. <P>That's a lot of info to start with, but a good start. Keep posting, and share your thoughts and questions. We're all here to help each other (but be forewarned that weekends are very slow..so if you post then with little responses, don't worry, it's normal).<P>Take care,<BR>Karen<P><BR>

(((HurtTired))) We here can all relate. My H is doing the same with me. After many love busters by me, I'm trying very hard to stop pestering him. Its like he says, when he tells me there is no contact, I don't believe him anyway, so why do I ask. My H has finally (just this morning) agreed to write the "no contact" letter this weekend. My first reaction was to say "how do I know that you won't call her the day after she gets it and tell her it was done just to get my wife off my back?" The fact is, I won't know, and so I was able to keep my mouth shut this time. The fact that he's willing to write it and let me mail it is to me a very good thing. His actions after writing the letter will tell me whether he's serious. I'm so sorry for the pain I know that you are in. What I'm realizing is that if we truly want our WS to come back and try to recover the marriage, there's no way around some more pain along the way....Take care and God Bless you!<P>Kari

Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate all of your input, both good and bad. It helps me to sort out everything. I'm just so full of pain right now! And, knowing that there is OP out there that I don't know holding onto my W is literally KILLING ME!!!!<P>TrueHeart: Thanks for your response. I have read most everything on this site, including "Surviving an Affair". I have not attempted the "No Contact" letter, because W claims there is no A going on. And, she says that She has already told him that she would not be able to speak to him anymore. She says that he is just a friend, ONLY! <P>If I confront her and tell her that I KNOW that she has spoken to him since she has already told me that she hasn't, I think it would be a major LB. Don't you? She will claim that I have her under 'Lock and key', and then tell me that she can't live like this anymore. Then, she'll leave me, and tell all our friends that it is MY fault!<P>She told me today at lunch that she is wanting to try to make our marriage work. But, I think she is saying this only to protect her own guilt. Make sense? She has told me on June 1, that she has NEVER been in love w/ me for our entire 23 years of marriage! Why would she lie to me for 23 years?!!<P>Topie: Thanks for your words of wisdom. I know I have to Plan A. I am having difficulty with all the lies though! Should I tell her that I have proof that she is lying? Would this not be a major LB? Or, Should I just act like I don't know she is lying, and continue a solid Plan A? I have been trying to meet all of her EN's. I haven't done a very good job though, because I keep asking her if I am doing what she wants. Then, she tells me, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I still don't feel anything for you." Then, I loose it! I start telling her how much I love her, and how can she NOT feel anything for me, and on and on.............................. Actually, she has done a better job on my EN's! That's the problem! How can I stay focused, knowing she is having this A??<P>MyOwnMe: Thanks for your support. I will be praying for all of us to be able to cope again with being normal. I don't think my W will write a "No Contact" letter. She would tell me that she has already blown him off, so why bother? She will accuse me of not trusting her, and then she will threaten to leave me. <P>HELP! She has me on a leash! She knows that I'm madly in love with her, and I will do whatever she asks! I feel like a wimp! I have NO self-esteem! Please help. Thanks in advance. <P>HT<P> <BR> <BR>