I am the WS. Still in withdrawal after what seems like forever. In no contact but it just feels like I've gone back to what I had before the A. Lonely and sad all the time. I know my H says he forgives me, but what if I don't see our relationship changing for the better? He has apologized for some of the things that contributed to my EA, but nothing's different. One thing will be changing soon, and that is the amount of time we have together, but he didn't change it for me. Work situation changed it for him. I love my H, and we were best friends at one time, but I don't even feel like I know him all that well anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. <P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

((((( Marissa )))))<P>You know the rules.. patience, time, and consitency. Hang in there, you'll be fine.<P>In order for your marriage to work better, both you and your H have to work on it. The fact that his work has made the changes that will allow you two more time together is irrelevant. The point is that you two will have more time together. <P>Talk to your H, tell him what things you need from him. Do you know what things you need from him? Self reflection is vital to you right now.<P>Karen<BR>

So sorry you're hurting. Read and post. It helps. Try to get Surviving an Affair if you haven't already. It will help tremendously. I wish you luck

Marrissa,<P>I feel for you! SAA is a great book and LB's is another good one. Get this book for your husband and you can read it too. Tender Warrior by Stu Weber. Men can really relate and women can learn things from it as well. I wish you all the best and pray, pray, pray. God is working like crazy!<P>Greg

Marissa,<BR>Was your EA completely non-physical? No kissing, hand-holding, or anything? What was it that caused you to break it off? There must have been some specific choice you made at that time. Is that decision still in effect for you? Do you believe you made the correct decision? Did you decide FOR your H or AGAINST the OM?<P>What about your H is your H not sharing with you that the OM did? What about yourself are YOU sharing with your H that you shared with the OM?<P>Qs for thought, and the answers may help me, too.<P>SaltWater

Topie25 - thanks, I really am trying. I've been hanging in there since before Christmas though and I feel steadily worse, not better. I guess part of the problem is that he got laid off, that is why we will have more time together. I am tryng to be clearer about what i need from him, but sometimes I think he would have to become a whole different person, and as he says 'I knew who he was when i married him'. <BR>Myownme - I don't know how much I can post without causing a fight. I know he reads here but I don't think he's posted. I am really !!! sorry I hurt him, but I can't go on like this either...<BR> <BR>SaltWater - no, I guess in that sense it wasn't purely emotional. It just didn't get any more physical than that. I broke it off because my husband and our MC insisted. And I admit to fighting it tooth and nail! I made a choice to try to put my marriage back together. A large part of that was because I was afraid of being a failure for being divorced. I don't know if we'll make it anyway. But I'm still here and still wishing. I guess I'm afraid that we should have given up if it isn't going to get any better than this. Because at least during the A I was happy. Even my H says that 'our marriage was better when it was a sham'. I don't know if I decided for or against anyone. I made the decision I thought I had to make. The OM was a happy upbeat outgoing person who included me in his social life. My husband has been depressed on and off since I've known him. We have few friends, we never go anywhere, and my husband was never home anyway. The OM was responsible for his own life, while I felt that I was responsible for everyone and everything in my marriage. Before I was married I had an active social life, always had someone to hang out with. Hard to find women my age with no kids whose husbands aren't home on weekends. Hard to find new friends as a couple when you're living like you're single. Not that I ever denied or tried to hide that I was married! But I came and went when I wanted, ate when I wanted, went to bed and got up by myself. Very little conversation or sharing going on. <BR>Thank you for your questions -they are making me think! And thanks for listening.<P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

Gentle nudge in hopes of more replies...

Marissa,<BR>You said "Because at least during the A I was happy. Even my H says that 'our marriage was better when it was a sham'." That happiness was not a genuine happiness. It was sham happiness along with the rest of the affair. That's my take on it.<P>I hear so much resistance to really working on your marriage. I hear a committment to "the marriage," but I don't hear a committment to your H as a person.<P>Has your H done anything to get treatment for his depression? I've suffered from it most of my life, and with treatment it's about eighty percent under control (or better). That really changes how I respond to my WS (ongoing EA only). Whether or not he acts on it, that's for him to decide.<P>How are you expressing your needs to your H, whether or not he will decide to fulfill those needs? Are there things he's doing that upset you that you never tell him about, that you just let slide? Do you need more help from him with household responsibilities? The responsibilities may never be fun, but I'm finding that's part of being an adult. My WS talks to her "friend" to escape reality and intimacy with me, because there are responsibilities involved. It's all fantasy. Friends are good for a woman to have, but not male friends. Is your OM your fantasy? Are you trying to force your H into your view of utopia? Are you able to forgive his imperfections?<P>More Qs for thought. I heard you asking for them. :-) Have a great day!<P>SaltWater

SaltWater - thanks for your questions. No, I think I was truly happy. I was spending time with someone who let me be myself, encouraged me to say what I thought, do what I wanted with my life. My husband has done NOTHING to deal with his depression. Will not see an individual counselor, will not consider medication. He has been depressed on and off for as long as I have known him. My friends used to call him the prince of depression, and this was before we got married! I am doing my best to express my needs in a loving fashion. He feels that he is trying to meet the needs I have allowed him to know about, but I'm not always sure. I know that he is trying his best. I certainly want to believe he is! I spent years trying to be what I thought he wanted. He says that he wants the person I was when we got married, and that's who I'd rather be, but i don't know how to get back there. I tried for years to let things slide, and I know i shouldn't have, but he was hardly ever home, and I didn't want to fight when he was. I need a lot more help with domestic stuff, but I ask and it hardly ever happens. My 'friend' actually helped me with those responsibilities, doing dishes and vacuuming, and moving furniture for me. And also knew when I needed a break, and dragged me out of the "Mrs. Responsible" act and got me to go to the mall or bowling. but mostly just listened and sympathized. And didn't tell me things like "you may be jealous, but I feel deprived" when I tried to talk about how I felt about my friend being pregnant. <BR><P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

Marissa,<P>Thanks for responding. There are a lot of similarities in our situations.<P>You said, "I was spending time with someone who let me be myself, encouraged me to say what I thought, do what I wanted with my life." I'm just learning that only I can let me be myself. I have to stand up and be myself whether I'm encouraged to so or not. Still, I need support, whether from my wife or friends or my pastor or my counsellor, so that if my wife is angry that I'm being myself I still know it's OK. My wife is learning this for herself, too, but she's gone overboard the other direction and for the moment doesn't seem to realize that "being herself and doing what she wants" is not license to pour herself into her relationship with her friend at my expense.<P>I suspect that if you worry less about what your H wants you to be and instead just BE that you'll be a lot more satisfied with who you are. What would change in your daily life if you were to fearlessly be yourself around him? I just finished "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I'm starting the workbook today. I strongly recommend it!<P>I'm sorry to hear your H is not dealing with his depression. Unfortunately, that is his responsibility. It took a major crisis for me to realize I need help. I hope and pray that his turning point is easier than mine has been.<P>If you are certain that he is trying his best to meet your needs, what do you think is missing? Is it enthusiasm? Is he showing resentment? Are you nagging? (Check yourself.) Is there a reward for him when he meets your needs? Are you allowing him to be less than perfect or are you expectations too high? What are the consequences when he doesn't meet your needs? What needs does he have? Are you reluctant to meet those needs of his?<P>You said, "I spent years trying to be what I thought he wanted." I did/do the same thing with my wife. It doesn't work. You aren't the person he married, and vice versa. For years I vacuumed and mopped the floors and dried the dishes and helped with the laundry and took the trash out when I was reminded. My wife always wanted more, and it was hopeless. Recently I realized that I was resenting the jobs I had to do around the house because I felt it was "her house" more than mine. My attitude has changed. I now see more of what needs to be done. I'm still doing the same jobs, but my attitude has changed. Her perfectionism still sees more that I could do, like pull the dead flowers out of the vase, when they've always been her flowers. Picky stuff. Still, I know I'm doing a good job, so her pickiness doesn't bother me so much. <P>This isn't meant to change your H's attitude, but I imagine there is something similar in how you respond to him. <P>You need someone to listen to you and sympathize. You need friends whether or not your husband listens as well. Just not male friends. How open are you with him? How open is he to you? Do you have other friends you can talk to? Do you see them regularly? <P>A couple more questions for my benefit. What about the friendship did your H most object to? He did he ask you to end it?<P>You're doing well! Things will get tough, but you are not alone! Have a great day, Marissa!<P>SaltWater<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SaltWater (edited July 30, 2001).]

Marissa,<P>I just had to respond because I am a person who has suffered from depression for a large part of my life. Dealing with depression on your own requires a lot of energy. It steals energy that's needed to deal with other parts of your life (such as your job or family). Your husband needs to deal with his depression with the help of a professional. Believe me, it's not something you can simply talk yourself out of! His body (as I believe is the case with me) may not be able to produce the right mix of chemicals to keep him out of this depressive state. I benefited both from medication and cognitive therapy. The cognitive therapy helped me to understand what was going on and also helped me to deal with the guilt and shame which resulted from the depression. My story is at: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011183.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011183.html</A> <P>There is no reason for your husband to let depression destroy his life when there is help out there. It may take a little courage and a little work but it's worth it!

SaltWater- you said 'instead just BE that you'll be a lot more satisfied with who you are' The problem here is I don't know what I want to be. I don't know what would change exactly, but for some reason it seems frightening. I haven't read Boundaries yet, maybe I will try it. My H blames this round of depression on my A, and says that as we get better, he will get better. What is missing is I want to live with a cheerful happy person. I realize that can't be all the time, but I'd like more of it. I don't think I'm nagging, since we barely have anything to say to each other. There are no rewards or punishments of any form. I make sure I appreciate everything he does, and tell him so. I make sure I don't complain if I would do it another way, since it's one less thing for me to do. He has stated his needs as being openess/honesty, conversation and SF. SF is the only one I am really reluctant to meet. I try to make converstaion but it goes nowhere. He feels the same way, I think. We just can't seem to connect. As far as doing stuff around the house, it seems like most chores have become mine. I don't understand why he can't see that something needs to be done and just do it. He'd have to if he lived alone! I have few friends to talk to, and I don't get to see them very often, so it's hard, and most of them have their own problems. My husband objected to the OM's feelings for me, and how much time I was spending with the OM even though I never took time away from my H to spend with OM. He demanded no contact after reading an email sent to me by the OM. <P>NewLife4Me- Thanks for responding. I grew up with a mother who is BPD. She is finally on medication which helps (zoloft). It made some of my reactions and perceptions a little off. I thought life with my husband was a vast improvement. Two counselors have diagnosed him as depressed. He will not deal with it. See above. <P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.