Ok.....I have the whole Hearley library.....lol.<P>Most of you know the basics of my story, here's a synopsis. I am the WS, we've been married 16 years, have 3 kids. My A has gone on the last 3 years. H has been suspicious but its truly only been "out" in the open for 4 months. He wants me to have no contact with OM. I just tend to avoid the subject. I havent in my heart committed to no contact. <P>My H is more than willing for us to work on our marriage. I'm sort of trying, but not sure of my committment. <P>Which book would be most helpful to us right away?<P>Surviving an Affair? or His Needs Her Needs?<P>Thanks all!

Most definitely SAA. You may see things a little more clearly after reading that. My H (ws) did. It will help you to resolve to have no contact. It did for my H.<P>YOu may feel unsure of your commitment, my H probably was too. But, with no contact and the two of you working actively on your marriage, you will realize its the best thing. Continued contact will hinder any chance you have of making it work with your husband.

A tie: Surviving an Affair, and Give and Take.<P>

Ditto: SAA

SAA most definetly, love for my WS to read it. I just sent her His/Her Needs. hopefully she will read that, and then if and when she admits A she can read the others.

*Rise and Fall of the Third Reich*???<P>Its a great book Lexxxy! Its all about this guy that sets out to conquer everything and everyone around him! He lies, he cheats, he steals what is not rightfully his!! I read it all! The ending was a real bummer though...<P>He lost everything, wasn't happy with the outcome of his *other life* and the bottom line was that he would have been happier if he would have stayed home and just fixed where he lived... <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I have this same question. What book to read first if you're not even sure your husband had an affair, and if he did, I'm pretty sure it's over?<P>We're separated now, and I really think he did have an A, but after he switched jobs, he's around us too often to be having an A. I do KNOW that he slept around, but he says it wasn't with anyone in particular - some one night stands. He said, initially, he wanted a divorce. Now he's reconsidering - hasn't made up his mind. He said, initially, he felt I deserved to know if there was an OW so I could move on, but, no there wasn't.<P>So, what book should I start with?

Oh, by the way, if anyone's interested, which no one seems to be, my story is here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000887.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000887.html</A> <P>In case this helps with my question.<P>TIG

If you're not actively battling an affair, my answer would be "depends on where your issues are".<P>Give and Take is the most complete and balanced of Harley's books. It has brief synopses of "Lovebusters" and "His Needs/Her Needs", but it goes into detail on how to use the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Rule of Complete Honesty to negotiate safely and effectively. If you can learn to use the POJA, and work on eliminating lovebusters and meet the other's important emotional needs, you're in great shape.<P>If you have a definite problem with Lovebusters, the book "Lovebusters" will be a huge help. The same goes true with learning about and meeting emotional needs. His Needs/Her Needs is an excellent eye-opener about how you tend to meet the needs YOU feel are important, and for men and women, they often don't have the same needs. That's not a problem, once you realize it and become an expert in identifying and meeting your SPOUSES emotional needs.