I really need some help here. It's nearly 5 mos. since H, moved out and there are days when I feel just as sad, lonely, and confused as when it first happened. I cry all the time. I don't even want to go to work, but I force myself to do it. As soon as H, calls or comes over I get all excited but when our conversation is over or he leaves I'm the one in tears. Why am I so emotional? Why can't I be strong and act as though this doesn't hurt. I am so sad and feel as though I may never get through this. My stomach is always in a knot, I obsess about out marriage and all the problems. Sometimes I even wake up teary. Why can't I get over this? I just want to feel better. He says that I do this to myself and that he hates to see me so emotional. My 11 yr old is always saying mommy why are you sad and please don't cry. I hate what this is doing to me and hate myself for allowing it to affect my kids. Need some advice please help.

I'm sorry but I haven't followed your story very closely. Are you trying to Plan A? Have you read HNHN and SAA?<P>I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I know how you feel. I get like that sometimes, and I feel like such an idiot - why can't I get better control of my emotions??? <P>I am going to search your other posts, so I can understand your situation a little better. I'll be back - just hang in there. We are here for you. Vent some more if you want.

cybil,<BR>Ok, I did a quick-read. Hey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My heart LEAPS for joy when I hear from my H! D-Day was 10 weeks ago - he's been gone for a month. Most mornings I wake up totally depressed. I spend my whole shower praying and crying to God. This gives me some peace when I reach out to Him and ask for his help. But then I have to trust that he is helping. he is much stronger than me! And he can do a much better job of fixing this than me. Several times a day, a knot forms in my stomach and then spreads through my body like a fever. It only last a few minutes - I force myself to relax and get focused on something else. The other things that may help you are staying busy - focus on loving your kids - exercise. I also have to tell myself over and over that noone is worth all this! Don't let him control your emotions this much. You are a strong woman, and you can survive without him at your side. Whenever you admit your depression and sadness to yourself, or your "support team", you are FEEDING it. Start telling yourself GOOD things. I can make it. My kids need me. I am a smart and talented woman. My H is going to wake up and miss me one day - even if it's too late. I can do this.<P>I've seen several other folks here suggesting that you read and learn. What have you done to learn and implement Plan A? Reading and implementing, and posting with specific questions along the way will help you get a handle on this. Other than that, you may need some medication (anti-depressants). Plan A is all about being the strong one. Work on yourself, and love your H the way HE wants to be loved.<P>Hang in there! hugssssss, keep reading and learning!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 26, 2001).]

Cybil,<P>If depression was royalty, I'd be queen. What you described could be major depression. This is different from your every day, situational, get over it in 4 weeks kind of depression. Major depression is a mood disorder that needs to be medically treated. I hope you consider calling your doctor and making an appointment. Antidepressants have come a long way these past few years. You will be amazed at how much better you'll feel! If you're already on medication, it might be a good idea to call the doc anyway. It is not unusual for drug dosages to be tweaked or to change to a different one altogether. They don't all work the same, and we don't all metablolize them the same either.<P>I know this is really tough for you. I empathize completely.<P>Belle

Thank you Faith and Nell for your replies. I have myself wondered if this could be major depression. It just hurts so bad sometimes that the man I thought I knew could be so heartless and cold towards me. I think I'm going to take that first step and call the doctor to make an appointment.I know I have to get strong for both myself and my kids not for H.

Cybil.. <P>I can only say that even nearly three years later I respond to her voice and presence the same way. <P>We are happy, flirting, hugging, talking, looking at each other.. Is it all a lie? Aren't those feelings really there?<P>When she bails on me.. I fall apart, like you do. <P>What does she feel when she bails? Does she fall apart... I'd like to she how she acted right after we got off the phone.. or right after she or I left the presence of the other. Are all those feelings of happiness, flirtation, comfort, communication, and curiosity gone?<P>Its enough to drive me crazy.. and I'm sorry I don't have a fix for it. Just to let you know that your not alone. k?<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

H2Y,<BR>Thank you for your reply. I've been up since 3:30 this morning crying and feel as though I am slipping into a major depression. Why can't I deal with this? I am consumed with thoughts about my H, I truly love him and don't understand why he's doing this to our family. How can this be so much easier for him. I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids, I know they need me and lately I feel as though I'm not even a good mother because I'm so consumed with self pity. I know eventually things will get better, but why can't I get out of this rut? Right now I hate me for being so weak and letting him play with my emotions over and over again. I am so glad that I found MB, It's the only thing that makes me feel as though someone truly understands what I'm going through. My family and friends are great they are always there for me, but they have no idea how hard this is. By the way H2Y the O-Town song is one of my favorites but I have to turn the station when it comes on becuase it makes me cry. <BR>Cybil

have you started any antidep yet? if not I suggest you go to your family doctor and get some. Explain to him/her what is going on in your life.. and ask for some. You can ask what everyone else here is on.. and get a feel for what to expect from the meds..<P>(((((((Cybil))))))<P>I'm going to have to get off of here.. but I'll be back on by 8:00 Get some sleep okay... You have children who need you in the morning. If you just can't take it.. call a crisis line and see if someone there will just talk to you. It probably wouldn't hurt to do that anyhow.. someone removed out of the circle of family and friends.<P>Good night.. er.. morning <P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

cybil - ditto Nell and others about the depression. I had it, it's very common. The description of your emotions is just like so many of the rest of us until we get some help for depression. Take comfort in knowing you're normal.<P>Get to a doc ASAP. Be aware there is no overnight fix. It takes 6 to 12 weeks for anti-dep meds to take full effect.<P>Seeking help is a sign of strength.<P>WAT

Good afternoon everyone. Thanks for all the advice. I made myself go to work for awhile today even though I was so tired I could barely see. I have decided to go to the doctor next week and see if I can get some help for the depression. Curently I take Buspar but that's for anxiety and I haven't really had an anxiety attack in a long time. I'm also considering going to Plan B. My H sees me and the family as a convenience, We are always here so when he feels like playing house he pops by. I need the courage to stick to the plan though. He calls everyday(twice today on my cell) or comes by if he doesn't want me why does he do this? Anyway I'm feeling better thanks to all of you!!