My husband left on Friday. I have not seen him since, but I know that he has been at the house a few times. This is the longest he has been gone since he moved back at the end of April. I am really confused. Why did he move back at all? He was gone for two years...did he want to torture me? Why did I let him come back? Am I just a weak person?<P>I think I am finally feeling a betrayal that I never felt before. I have been able to rationalize everything before, but I can't now. I can't take this anymore. I sent H an email telling him how I feel about everything. (No love busters) No response. What should I do? Should I plan B? I don't like to come home at night because I do not know if he will be here. This is no way to live. <P>Should I move on? Is there anyone that has repaired their relationship after an affair of three years?

Have you talked with Steve Harley? I'd suggest you do that.<P>My own bias here would be to change the locks and send him the Plan B letter. This is a bit different that the average situation, given the length of the affair.<P>Refresh me...did you Plan A him after his return, and did you work on the relationship...or just let it slide.<P>Regardless, it sounds to me like lots of time has gone by, and Plan B might be better for YOU. See what others think.<P>Just for the record, people have repaired relationships after 10 or 20 years of being apart. So there is no normal pattern or test to apply. Anything can happen. I think it boils down to right now, what do you want? What is best for you?

Thanks for replying Rick37. You were the first person to reply to my original post on this site. I have gotten so negative these past few weeks. I was so excited when he moved back in. I do not understand any of this. Two years or more for an affair is a long time. I have to admit I agree with you that I should change the locks. H has only admitted to an A for about 5 weeks, but I have thought it was a possiblity for two years. He moved out in April 1999. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I feel he can't be sure about his feelings for OW if it has been two or more years. Why do I want someone who isn't sure for such a long time? I have not been negative the entire time. <P>I need other opinions...is two years too long?<P>Rick37 - I will make an appt with Steve. Thanks again.

I might be able to relate to this situation a little better. I was separated with W for over 2 years, there was no OW then, right or wrong, the condition of my relationship with her forced me to leave. I was at the point of divorcing if I didn’t go. However while separated I met someone. I fell in love with her and our relationship lasted for 2 years. Towards the end of the affair, I imagined spending the rest of my life with her. <P>I went back to ask W for divorce and all hell broke loose. She didn’t want one, told me things that should have been said 5 years ago and pleaded me to stay and try to work things out. Though I made it clear to her I didn’t have any feelings for her, she didn’t believe it, stating that if not for her the kids deserved another try. Reluctant as I was and faced with all types of pressure, I decided it was the right thing to do. Most difficult thing I ever did in my life was telling my GF that I had to leave, given the opportunity I had to try to make things work with W even though I didn’t want to but had to for the sake of my children. After going back and forth with GF, she couldn’t take it and let me go. This was 6 mths ago.<P>Have been back with W for 6 mths now and things haven’t gotten better. Like it was before I separated even worse now because my broken heart. At this juncture I once again find myself addressing the same questions that I did 6 mths ago. Whether the reasons I came back for is enough to further proceed in rectifying this marriage? If I will ever be comfortable with the way things are going? All I know is now I am more certain about what I want and do not want. I am not as confused anymore. I did what everyone told me was the right thing even though deep down I knew it was wrong. I didn’t want it then but the pressure by W and other family members compelled me to stay. I did it for my kids. I thought if I tried I will get back my feelings for her, I would want it to work and I would have my family again. <P>So you need to know exactly why he came back? Does he honestly WANT to work things out? What he has gone through in the last 3 years while separated with you does have an impact on things? Was he happy, sad? Is it because the OW left him? Does he have any love left for you? Did u separate because of his affair? <P>I think most WS deep down still have feelings for BS, that is what makes it work. I read stories in here about WS that goes back and forth between OP and spouse, telling and showing through some sort of affection that they love them. It was not something I went through. Anyway I hope your situation is not like mine at all. Good luck to you.<BR>

Tonight I came home and can see that my H was here during the day. He has not responded to my email. He is definately avoiding me, but he still stops by when he knows I will be at work. While we were officially separated, he would write me notes or stop by after work. He always kept the communication open and kept me hoping that things could work out. I was in denial that there was an A the first year and a half that he was gone. In fact, we got along better while we were separated. <P>Now something is different. This is the first time ever that he is not speaking to me. I am baffled that he could actually be upset with me. He is the one having the affair. I do not understand what has changed. I confronted him with A a few weeks ago, and he just went back and forth between our houses. He would come back and want to talk about if we had a future together. Now he isn't talking to me about anything. What would he be mad at me about? I should be the one who is mad! <P>Painforever: Thank you for your insight about a longterm affair. I will not be happy if my H comes back out of guilt. I know that I will only be able to work things out if he says he is putting in 100% effort, and he feels sure about us. We do not have children, so I want him to base his decision on me, on us. I almost think it would be easier for me if he were positive he wanted a D. I could start moving on. I did not know when he asked for a separation, that he was seeing someone, but I would say that is the reason he left. The big question that has yet to be answered is why he bothered to come back. I wonder if my H had thoughts like you did. "I thought if I tried I will get back my feelings for her, I would want it to work"<BR>He got very depressed after being with me for about a month. I'm sure that was withdrawal, and he now says that he started talking to OW again when he could see we weren't going to make it. He forgot to tell me he felt that way. I thought we were doing great!<P>

Tonight I came home and can see that my H was here during the day. He has not responded to my email. He is definately avoiding me, but he still stops by when he knows I will be at work. While we were officially separated, he would write me notes or stop by after work. He always kept the communication open and kept me hoping that things could work out. I was in denial that there was an A the first year and a half that he was gone. In fact, we got along better while we were separated. <P>Now something is different. This is the first time ever that he is not speaking to me. I am baffled that he could actually be upset with me. He is the one having the affair. I do not understand what has changed. I confronted him with A a few weeks ago, and he just went back and forth between our houses. He would come back and want to talk about if we had a future together. Now he isn't talking to me about anything. What would he be mad at me about? I should be the one who is mad! <P>Painforever: Thank you for your insight about a longterm affair. I will not be happy if my H comes back out of guilt. I know that I will only be able to work things out if he says he is putting in 100% effort, and he feels sure about us. We do not have children, so I want him to base his decision on me, on us. I almost think it would be easier for me if he were positive he wanted a D. I could start moving on. I did not know when he asked for a separation, that he was seeing someone, but I would say that is the reason he left. The big question that has yet to be answered is why he bothered to come back. I wonder if my H had thoughts like you did. "I thought if I tried I will get back my feelings for her, I would want it to work"<BR>He got very depressed after being with me for about a month. I'm sure that was withdrawal, and he now says that he started talking to OW again when he could see we weren't going to make it. He forgot to tell me he felt that way. I thought we were doing great!<P>