hey ya'll out there,<P>I know you don't here from me much but I think I'm gettin somewhere with WS and then she turns on a dime. Yesterday she calls crying, telling me that sometimes she wants to come home, she 1200 miles away, but she can't because she is scared. She's afaid she can't be a good Mom now to our three kids(8,6&3 1/2),afraid she can't be a good wife, afraid things won't be the way they used to be, afraid to look at our friends faces(they don't know the details, but when she spends 1/2 of the last 2 1/2 months in another state it raises a few eyebrows). <BR>I was so scared for her today I knew suicide was racing through her head, so I called her, a couple of hours later she calls me back and we talk. She seems to be a different person today, back to her selfish I don't deserve you, I don't deserve to live attitude. I try to pour on the love and she says that she has to go. I ask her if she has been thinking about suicide, she confirms that she has, I break down and tell her how much she means to me and the kids. Sometimes the shell is a mile thick, it seems as if nothing will touch her. She hasn't told me yet if she is pregnant but I think she's hoping it's just a recuring hormone imbalance, she going to the clinic on Weds. to find out. It is easier to forgive her for the A than it is to understand why she won't come home when she freely admitted yesterday that there is no one who loved her more than I do. If you have any insight let me know.<BR> <BR> just another day in my knight?mare

I'm afraid I don't know anything about dealing with depression, but I'd suggest you start seeking out some information online. Is there a 1-800 hotline number in your area? I bet you could call them to get some advice on how to talk to her.<P>I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of the A. I don't know what else to say.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>Thanks for your reply, I will try to find a depression hotline. <P> knight?

Knight,<P>It does sound like your wife is very depressed. Is she going to ask her doctor for help with the depression when she has the appointment? There are many things available today to help with this. Until her depression is taken care of, she will not be able to cope with much of anything.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Z,<P>thanks for your reply. I don't know if she will or not, when I start to ask questions she doesn't want to talk. I think I may see a pattern here. When I tell her how much I love her and want her home and how much the kids need her that she will stop and listen. But when I ask too many questions or start to mention the Bible she no longer has the time of day for me. <BR>I hope she does ask her Dr. about the depression though, I think she needs to find some answers. I can't call her more than once a day though, huge LB, so I need to ride it out, at least till tomorrow evening.<BR>I'd appreciate any prayers.<P>knight

knight<P>I don't know if i have a lot of insight but here goes.<P>My W (WS) said some of the same thing yours is saying when she was the deepest in depression and (I think) withdrawal.<P>1. Is your W in counseling. If not encourage her to do so for her.<P>2. She sounds extermely depressed. Her counselor or doc can recommend anti-depressants. Failing that, my W's counselor wanted her to take them but she chose not to but did use some sleeping pills. They helped her a lot just to get the sleep she needed and to help provide a few hours when she wasn't obsessing over stuff.<P>With your W in the shape she is in right now, about all you can do is be there for her and be supportive. Time and patience on your part will be helpful. Listen to what she has to say and continue to tell her how important she is to you and your kids. It may not seem like it will penetrate but I know some of it does.<P>This wil be hard for you, but right now, like it or not, you have to provide the strength for everyone. It's a crappy deal but it's what the BS gets stuck with. You can do it.<P>Good luck <P>E <P> <BR>

Wow. I don't know you but I'm thinking about you. I just caught my wife with her ex-botfriend...so I am at the beginning of the LONG road from hell. Hang in there bro. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Knight?mare,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by knight?mare:
I think I may see a pattern here. When I tell her how much I love her and want her home and how much the kids need her that she will stop and listen. But when I ask too many questions or start to mention the Bible she no longer has the time of day for me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, what do you think you should do? At this point, if you are trying "Plan A", you should be avoiding relationship discussions. The questions you are asking are causing her to face some pain. She will have to face it, but maybe not just now. When you mention the Bible (BTW, I AM a Christian), what is the context? Are you telling her what she must do because the Bible says so? Or are you offering her comfort from the Psalms or something like that? If you judge/condemn her, she will move away from you. It just works that way. If she is not a believer, talking about what the Bible says she has to do will not make any sense to her. Remember Paul's speech in Athens (I think it is in Acts). He didn't talk about the Law and the Prophets. He saved them for the jews - to whom they made sence. He talked to the Athenian in language they could understand. The same might apply to your wife. If I'm off base here, please forgive me.

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:37 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

more...<P>So, talk to her about your dreams for your childrens' future. Talk about what a great Mom she is. Talk about the things that make her want to live - not the things she regrets. There will be time to talk about those later.<P>-AD

Morning Knight?..<P>Wasnt on last nite, so couldnt respond. Just read this morning!<P>First off, you are getting some great advice on the depression issue and AD gives some great insights as to how to talk to her. <P>The *waffling* I see is directly related to her self esteem right now and her guilt over the A. It is apparent to me, even is she is seeing OM still, that her feelings about what she has done have really gotten to her. She is wanting to believe in herself, but everytime she has to talk about things with you, she shuts down. She doesnt want to relive it, or talk about it. It reinforces in her mind how bad she is. I realize your need to talk about things, but remember, you are dealing with a 4 year old here. (OK, I realize she is an adult...) When you look at her, see the child in her and realize that, right now anyway, she is like a fragile lil kid. She has already hurt herself, and has to keep reliving it. I am not telling you that your feelings arent important, but she cant handle yours in her state of mind. She needs to feel safe to talk to you, hear that she is a good mother, that she deserves to be loved and forgiven. And it may take weeks of this in order to get her to open up. (How strong is your resolve?) She needs your reassurance. In as much as you were hurt by your discovery, it sounds like she is really taking it hard! But, she is also showing signs that she wants to reconcile under the right circumstances. Take it slow. She will come out of that shell slowly. When she goes back in, it is nothing more than a reaction to something, not necessarily a change in heart or feelings. When the reaction is over, she returns. (Thus, the roller coaster ride for you!)<P>Take it slow my friend.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Thanks you all have given some good advice.<P>I signed off for a couple of days, so I hope you all get my thanks.<P>Elad-I've kind of been a little reserved about recomending anything just yet, but maybe when the time is right. They were things I was considering suggesting, but wasn't real sure. Thank you.<P>RockyRoad-I appreciate your support, you hang in there too!<P>AbandonedDad-You have given me some great insights, I can definately impliment them ASAP. I don't think I'm being judgemental on the Bible thing, I get cut off before I get out more than a sentence. WS is a believer, we "were" on track to start a career in missions in the beginning of Aug., which I'm sure only adds to the feelings of guilt. Your suggestions of what to talk about are great, I will be patient through her struggles. Thanks my friend.<P>Trueheart-I appreciate your encouragement to hang in there (hows your resilience?) in all honesty it does waiver, but I'm not about to give in to the alternative. It will help to think that I am dealing with a child, a little more patience will help. You too are showing yourself a friend, thanks.<P>A quick update, she called her Mom yesterday, which she hasn't done for three weeks, which is a good sign. Good signs and my faith in God are all I have to hold on to. Though she failed to follow through with calling her Mom today I know God is at work in her, I will be patient and consistant.<P>Thanks again for any insights. <BR> knight