I thought things were getting better but guess what...I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I am having a lot of anxiety problems. I am so depressed I am living below ground. I have been posting in "Just Found Out..." But I have been dealing with this for 3 months now so I guess it is not as fresh as it used to be. My husband is Army and he is away for a few days. The time without him is torture because I don't trust him so my mind is going crazy with the what ifs. I need some help here. I am going on obsession mode...picking through the computer to make sure he has no more secret email accounts. Trying to find OW phone number, she supposedly moved nearby this month, so I can confront her. I think I am going crazy. How do I stop this. I can't stand it anymore. I just want to run away...I seriously don't know what has happened to me. I am trying and trying to remain sane...but I think I am just breaking down. I am so afraid of everything. I hate to go anywhere I hate myself I hate my husband for doing this to me I just hate everything. I am too emotional right now. This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone. I am lost and I am afraid it is for good. I can't see how anything can get better if everytime I have to be away from my husband I obsess about what he could be doing to hurt me more. Help. What can I do?

sbh,<P>WE really need to forget the OW! That person there could have been anybody. It could have been your best friend, your next door neighbor, a person met at a bar, a person from church, FROM ANYWHERE.<P>I know you are feeling deep emotional hurt, pain, anguish. To pull yourself out of this rut, you are going have to work on yourself - inspite of the pain that is racking your brain.<P>The problem is meeting his needs, and him meeting yours. Work on yourself, go to school if you can, do some non-profit work, do things for yourself. Take care of yourself as best you can. Take that long bath, and enjoy it. Start enjoying yourself. He will see the change. If you cling to him, and mope around, you won't be much fun to be with, he'll want to be with someone else.<P>Our EA started 17 mos ago, and this is where I am today. I've been working on myself - but I'm working better now. Hope this helps you. aftershock

SBH<P>I know that it is hard to deal with, I am new at this too. I think the best advice I have received is to get as close to Jesus as possibble. Read and memorize scripture, know what the bible says about your marraige. Know that Christ cares more for your husband than even you do, and He longs for your H to become a godly man, and to come home to you. Pray and fast and pray and read the Bible. For the enemy of your soul wants your attention to be on self and our problems and not on the One who can truly help us through our most agonizing dificulties. Sorry to be preachy but it gets me through, I hope it helps.<P>knight

SBH you are not alone. I think most of us can sympathize with the pain you are going through. Let go of the what if's and the thoughts of the OW you are torturing yourself, I know because I am in the same boat and need to heed my own advice. I am praying for you. good Luck.<BR>Cybil

SBH,

I haven't followed your situation - since I don't usually post on this board - but mostly over on EN and d/d. I just feel sorry for the way you are feeling tonight. Like another poster put it, you have to let it go. She is not your problem - your H is. And you can't change him either. Take care of yourself. That's all you can do right now. Baby yourself. Value yourself. You are valuable and worthy and lovable. Love yourself. Go out for breakfast by yourself at a really nice place - and dress up for it. Order your favorite things.

I don't know what else to say about your situation. Just remember that in this wide world you have friends here.

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:38 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

SBH,<P>you're not going mad at all. And your not obsessing either - you're doing what we all do.<P>I check my wife's cellphone - everyday. I know who's called her and who she's called. I check her email - everyday. I check our phone bills - every time they come in. I've searched the house for anything she may have hidden. I call her - sometimes just to find out where she is. <P>Over time, my trust in her is being restored. She's keeping her promise and she's keeping to her word. Everyday, when I check and find out she's true to me, my trust grows a little more. <P>The need to check (snoop is probably a better word) is diminishing and I'm looking forward to the day when I don't do it anymore.<P>hang in there,<P>Freddy.<P>

SBH,<P>I went through (and still am to a degree) the EXACT same thing. I was so bad I was having actual physical symptoms related to the anxiety. After 2.5 months I finally requested something for this from my therapist.<P>I'm now on zoloft (which is used for depression, anxiety and obsessive complusive disorders) and am doing MUCH better.<P>No doubt, I'm still very hurt... but I'm not quite as "messed up" as before.<P>My heart goes out to you.

I really am trying. It just all seems hopeless a lot of them time. Some days are really good but others are so bad. I am so afraid of having this happen again. I honestly could not survive this again. And so I obsess and fret. Everything seems suspect and I am just afraid that I am being humiliated again. I want to contact the other woman and tell her is she even looks at my husband sideways I will turn her in to JAG with all of the proof I have. I just don't know if that would be helpful. I just want her to stay away and I want to be sure that my husband is mine again. All I do is cry it seems. I try to treat myself well...I try to exercise to make myself look and feel good. But none of the old things work anymore. I have aged at least 3 years in these 3 months. I feel ugly and undesireable. I feel like if I talk to my husband about everything that is bothering me that he will think that I am too needy, too pathetic, to messed up to stay with. I feel like I have to be on my best behavior all of the time so that he will be happy. I just try to keep him happy so that he won't leave again...but I am losing myself doing that. And I don't know how to talk to him about any of this. It is just too much.

Ok. I actually have some questions right now...I am still feeling all of the things from before but at least now I am calm enough to form questions in my mind. How do I go on from here? I know that I cannot live like this everyday. How do I stop myself from thinking that everytime my husband is away from me that he is with the OW? Or meeting OW or emailing OW or talking to OW on the phone? How do I start to trust my husband? Even when he is doing things that show he is trying to rebuild my trust...I second guess everything. I can't seem to take anything at face value with him. How do I begin to tell him how I am feeling if I am afraid it will scare him away? Is it wrong to want to contact the other woman to give her a piece of my mind? Is it wrong to contact her to tell her that if she tries to contact my husband anymore...after his letter of no contact (he did send a great one) I will turn all of my evidence into JAG and then I will tell her husband? Is it wrong to want to do that? Why do I feel like I have to do this? I guess because I feel like if I can threaten her with enough it will ensure that she stays away from my husband. But the affair is over physically...I am just worried that they are emailing or phoning each other still and that it will all start up again. And I am ultimately afraid that it will start up again because if it did I would not survive it. I would die...or I would just have to leave. And it would kill me to leave. This is so HARD. I HATE IT! I HATE HER! I HATE HAVING TO LIVE LIKE THIS! WHY CAN"T IT ALL JUST BE ERASED!

bn

I have read your posts. I have a few questions for you. First, what are you doing to HELP yourself?? Have you read the books SAA or His needs her needs, Or give and take? They are all eye opening wondeful books that will give you tools to make your marriage a wonderful thing.<P>Second, Your H OW is not your worst enemy, you are. You need to purge her out of your mind. I cannot tell you how, I can tell you it will not be easy. Is your H still having contact with her?? If not then you are angry at a GHOST and giving it power that it does not need or deserve. Hon YOU are important, but you have to take a DEEP BREATH and start with baby steps. <P>Where are you with your marriage?? Is it good or bad? What emotions are you dealing with? How is your husband helping you through this? All valid questions. It is also not uncommon to want to STICK IT TOO the OP, But I suspect that if you have the ability to get JAG involved then you are a military family, and to set Jag on her will set Jag on him too. Especially if there is a rank issue. So tread that water carefully. Recovery is a gradual process and takes such time. You will have many ups and downs. I look forward to your answers to my questions.

I have just ordered SAA and His Needs, Her Needs. They came on Friday. I haven't had time to read much. I try to make time. My husband has said he will fill out the questionaires that you can print out from this site. I have already filled mine out. My husband broke off contact with the OW in May. But this July she moved to the same Post we are at and this month is the Anniversary month of the beginning of their affair. I think that is definitely why I am having a lot of trouble now. My husband is trying to help me through this...but he doesn't really want to talk about it because it makes him feel too bad. I was going to a counselor, but she said I was dealing with everything very well and that she didn't see any reason why I should keep coming to see her on a regular basis. My husband has said he would go to counseling with me...but so far he hasn't. I can't trust my husband at all so there are times when I don't believe that he has really cut off all contact with this person. I am trying to move on, but I just can't seem to.

You are feeling very normal things. But I would strongly urge you to find a new counselor and have BOTH of you go. It will be one way he can prove he's committed to you. Chances are, they will check with him on a regular basis to make sure he's had no contact. If he had contact, my counselor would stop working with him.<P>I think your counselor is rushing you to be honest. 3 months is way too fast with the devastation you are feeling. I was in counseling the first time for over a year and it's been almost a year this time (finally found out the truth, not handling it well).<P>Take care of you. YOu may decide a short separation is in order. It saved my marriage. I didn't have to see him when I felt this way, and he didn't have to see some of my emotional breakdowns. But, also, it's good if they do see and feel your pain. It reminds them of the consequences of such selfish behavior. Good luck and stay in touch.<BR>maggierose

Please believe everyone when they say they know how you feel because they really do. It is hard, the hardest thing you'll probably ever experiance. The up and downs are sometimes overwhelming to to a point of nothingness. I jsut know that I have been praying alot and have found that God has given me some direction. Please hang in there you will get through it no matter what. Time is not only your friend but your enemy as well, but just sit back do things to take your mind off of it and it will be ok. Just Plan A your heart out!