Does Plan A only work when the WS is truly "torn"?<P>I feel like with my W, she's saying, "I don't know whether or not I want to still be with you. We should get separated so that I can figure that out" rather than it being "I still want you to be my husband, but I also want to be with OM."<P>Why am I bothering to Plan A when she clearly isn't even trying to maintain a relationship with me? The only times she's called in the last week is to ask about $$$. When I go by our home, it looks like she's been spending every night away from our house. Maybe I really should be in Plan B.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by zen:<BR>[B]Does Plan A only work when the WS is truly "torn"?>>><P>No. My H dumped me flat (very unexpectedly) and moved right in with the OW (lied about it the whole time). His exact words when he left "We will NEVER get back together!" Here we are, more than 2 years into recovery and doing better than I ever could have imagined.<P>

zen,<P>Often you will have no clue as to how effective your Plan A is until much later. I would urge you to make an excellent, consistant effort in Plan A, especially eliminating all lovebusters.<P>If the two of you are separated, and she's flaunting the affair---that may result in you pushing up your plan B timeframe. But assess how you were as a husband for the last two or so years prior to the affair---if there are major areas that you should be working on, then do so.

Absolutely not! I'm with fairydust.<P>Robert told me he had never really loved me, wished I were dead and was filing for divorce right away as he moved in with PT, opened joint bank and charge accounts and made plans to adopt her little one! <P>Heading now toward 2 years since he came back home (after 7 months) and doing great!! I stayed in Plan A the whole time and plan on it for life!!!!!!!!!! Though I wish we had found another way to accomplish this, I'd never trade THIS marriage for the one we had before!<P>Hang in there!<P>Love,<P>Lori<P>

OK zen - turn around and I'll kick you in the butt.<P>Don't pay any attention to what she's doing - I know it's hard, but there's NOTHING you can do short of commiting some crime.<P>Plan A is about you. Yes, the desired effect is that the WS sees the improvements and gravitates back to the BS, but one of the major premises of Plan A, IMHO, is that there is little if anything the BS can directly do to separate the affairees. The only way this happens is for one of them to end it - either through guilt and realization of the affair's insanity or because it loses it's luster. Period.<P>Plan A always works from the perspective that it's really about the BS introspectively finding and fixing the problems they contributed to the marriage. If you do this with honesty and an open mind, you can't fail. In doing so, you remove the excuses the WS attributes to you for starting the affair to begin with. But this alone cannot bring them back - the WS has to decide to do this - you just make it easy for them. Get it?<P>WAT

WAT:<P>That's why I love you, man! You kick me in the butt no matter times I forget.<P>It's just insane how I can learn these principles and then absoutely forget them all when emotion washes over me. It really is like that movie "Memento."<P>Keep kickin' me! and thanks for doing it!<P>zen

Just another kick in the butt for you... we're with you, Zen. Don't let her response affect YOUR Plan A. Keep doing it!