I'd like to have an update from everyone, I'd also like you to tell us how you feel at this stage in your marital situation. You know, what you're feeling.<P>I'll post mine a little later.<P>Best to all,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

My H has 'left,' by that he has a place where he goes to sleep...he spends most of his day here. This week he has spent every night...says because he has to take OS to camp in the morning...He has come into our bed in the wee hours of the morning...<P>He still hates it when I tell him I love him...but has been intimate with me as recently as this week.<P>My feelings are at a crossroads...I have asked BIL, who is a lawyer, for # of one of his friends out here...I have downloaded separation agreement and child support info...<P>I feel like I have made some very important changes as to who I am and how I react to things now...but he is unwilling to work on marriage because he doesn't trust that I have changed plus he says OW is still in his head...<P>In my head I have two more months of plan A...if he is still on the fence, plan B is right around the corner...<P>I love him, but I am going to move forward. With or without him.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

H has been moved out for 5 and 1/2 weeks. First left 10 and 1/2 weeks ago, then had PA, then came home to "work on it", then left again "to figure things out". No kids. Married for 7 and 1/2 years.<P>We hardly ever talk. He's always "busy" working. Won't tell me where he lives. He goes to church with OW. I don't know if PA is over - he says it is. He won't talk to his family. I am Plan A'ing the best I can - little e-mails, phone test msgs, friendly when we talk. Encouraging him, praying for him. <P>I was VERY discouraged yesterday - nothing happened to cause it - I just felt hopeless. I feel better today. I want him back so bad. I love him, and expect him to snap out of this anytime. I know he loved me. But I am not going to wait around forever. My goal right now is to Plan A until the end of September, then go to Plan B for a short time only. I'm scared of Plan B - I think it will end everything - push him to the other side of the fence. But I still wonder in the back of my mind if it will actually help. I know I haven't Plan A'd long enough though. I haven't LB'd in about 3 weeks. Prior to that, I'd say my Plan A was about 75% solid. <P>How's that? Thanks for the invitation to give an update.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

My W and I are trying to work on it. She told me that she ended the relationship 2 weeks ago. Since then we have seen each other almost every day (I'm in an apartment and she and the kids are living with a friend of hers). Somedays she is glad to see me others she barely speaks to me (even though she invites me over). Its weird. This morning, however, I believe she had phone contact with OM (see my earlier post). Its funny I believe I am actually experiencing more emotions now than I was when she was telling me that she was going to divorce me, but certainly less than when I first found out about the A. <P>S&C

Here goes, d-day was Jan 27, H asked for D, was/is only an EA.<P>Moving towards seperation 10 Aug, H is moving cause of job, kids and I are moving home, have not filed any paper work.<P>I'm angry, I am mad, I don't deserve this, I feel used, I feel cheated, I feel disrespected.<P>I am a good person, a great mom and an awesome wife and I will make it through this crap and will still be all of those things, my H cannot take those things away from me unless I let him and I wont!!!<P>I wonder a lot, my H has been gone, was with Kids to visit family last Th-Sun and then left Mon again for business for 2 weeks. He has called 3 out of the 4 nights to talk to me, about nothing, and e mailed once. Is he waffling? I expect him to tell me that I need to know that this it it's over, doesn't want me to be mislead. I don't know I hope but don't let hope build as it usually turns to disappointment.<P>I guess I am ready for this to be over so I can go forward, but I don't want to give up that last chance either, confusing, I know welcome to my world.<P>Dawn

I guess I have to try and lift the spirits here a bit. <BR>We are doing well, talking about everything becomes easier daily, the love is returning more and more, although the trust has taken a beating, (and I dont expect blind trust ever again, nor do I deserve it).<P>The episodes of me beating up on myself have lessened, but I still do it from time to time. Forgiving oneself is more difficult than forgiving someone else, believe me.<P>The laughter and love is returning. We keep getting stronger and realize that our communication patterns are changing. The LBs dont come as often and we are not afraid of pointing them out to each other (ok, not all the time!)<P>We are heading for a getaway next week and get some *US* time. I don't wanna sound like a fairytale ending here gang, but I am more than thankful I got the chance to right the wrongs. If and when the WS comes their senses, it can be done!! I hope ya'll get closer today and tomorrow!!<P>Thanks for being here!! I couldn't do it without you guys. You make me realize so many things!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>True

Thanks for the request. <P>D-day was June 24, got in big fight and she took all her summer clothes and moved out of the house on June 25. She told me the day she moved out that she was sorry for hurting me and our families and that counseling was the place we needed to discuss it. That hasn't happened yet. Although she has been going once a week individually to "work on herself." Since D-day I have done some major LB's (got caught following her, told friends and family and hired an attorney and sent OM a letter w/ a lawsuit against my wife's wishes) However, I have been Plan Aing for a solid two weeks with no LB's and our conversations have gotten very consistant (couple of times a day) she has even started to open up about her counseling and what she thinks. She is still confused and says that she was used to getting only 15% of my love while giving 100% and now she is getting 200% from me and she doesn't trust me. I guess I'm starting to meet some EN's (i hope) She still has not discussed or admitted to the affair. She has not closed any doors but then again there are few that are open.<BR>She just says she needs time to make a decision about our marriage and that she will make it own her own without any influence from others (family mainly). Her counselor is on this "what do you think is best for you" kick and that really scares me. Although her counselor has a bachelor degree in Christianity, I 'm not convinced that she is floowing those principles. I know that I have drawn this out but it helps me think through things more clearly. I have hope and insiration from all of you and I just want o thank everyone again for all the encouragement.<P>Corinthians 13:13 "There are three things that will endure---faith, hope, and love---and the greatest of these is love."<P>GC

Congrats, gdc! The MB Fairy has promoted you to Member.<P>I'm sorry about your predicament, but glad you are here with us. Keep on - sounds like you are doing a good job!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

W has made contingency plans to move out, but apparently has no immediate intention to leave. She no longer gives OM gifts or cards. We're beginning to communicate, though she still shuts down. She needs her space, and I've backed off quite a lot, which makes me feel very distant. There are occasional expressions of affection, and she's willing to accomodate but not desiring sex. I'm changing myself, dealing successfully with a lifetime of depression. I have hope for me, for her, and for our marriage. We are both in individual counselling, but according to her C she won't be ready for couples until mid to late August. I'm holding on until then. "Never give up! Never surrender!"<P>SaltWater

Hang in there SaltWater!! <BR>The journey is long and has lots of potholes, but when you get to the paved road, the ride is much smoother!!<P>Trueheart

Good question.<P>W (WS) has been in her own place for 4 1/2 months now. We continue to talk and see each other every day. She has said that she will be coming home but needs more time to fix her. OM appears to be out of the picture except for the remaining emotional attachment I suppose. <P>She has stayed at our house a couple of times recently and we even have done a couple of nights out of town. She has been nicer to me and has seemed to be better in general but it has been a long haul. She now talks about us and long-term plans...stuff she would never talk about before. I am optimistic that she and I will eventually get to counseling together and continue to move forward.<P>How do I feel?<P>That depends on the day and the time...<P>This has been a difficult experience and the range of emotions has been unbelievable: sad, depressed, lonely, scared, hopeless, helpless, happy, strong, hopeful, optimistic, etc etc etc<P>One thing I know for sure is this has been a draining experience physically, mentally and emotionally and I would not wish it on anyone.<P>At this point I have reason to be optimistic that we will get it together and move forward at some point.<P>It is slow, but I think for both of us that's better than rushing things. There's lots of healing that's needed, but I think we can do it. I hope so...<P>I see myself in so many newbie posts and hope for you that you can get to where I am where you are at least working at putting your life back together. It can be done and there is hope--even when it seems the darkest. <P>This truly is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.<P>My best to all...good luck<P>E<BR>

H moved out June 4th, turned PA right around our anniversary (6/19). OW left 4-5 weeks ago and is coming back in September for 3 months.<P>H is waffling back and forth, finally told me the truth about everything on Wednesday. Says he still loves me, but now even denies saying that. He starts counseling on Monday.<P>I am now in plan B again and am working on making him set up a firm schedule to see the kids this time (via email).<P>I feel used, abused, scared, low, horrible and just plain miserable. I feel like I don't deserve this, I feel like I don't even want my H back, I feel like he is just going to keep hurting me over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I hate the person he has become.

Well, wish I had a positive post...but I don't.<P>H is getting more and more bizaare as the days go by. He is full of hate for me and I don't know what I have done to him to cause this.<P>H filed for divorce and left it at sheriff's office. Told me about it when I got back from Europe in an email.<P>The divorce papers he has filed leave me with very little.<P>I am not able to retain or talk to my lawyer because he is on vacation until next week.<P>H stayed with my mother(79) and very frail when I had specifically asked him not to come and put her in the middle of this situation.<P>H, the second week I was gone brought his girlfriend here and brought my kids over to their motel room, went swimming together and then the next day took her and them on our boat for the day. H told my kids not to tell.<P>I am feeling totally rejected. I can't believe he can be this cruel and heartless. He says that I have hurt him so badly---but he forgives me!!! I have no clue what for. As time goes by, this situation gets more and more bizaare. I have absolutely no feelings for him at this point. When he involved my kids with his mistress, he destroyed whatever was left of any feelings of love or hope of a reconciliation. I just want him out of our lives....but I will need financial support from him. My car broke down on the way to the airport--got a new thermostat, but now it won't start again. Desparately need a new one. H has promised for months to purchase one---guess that won't happen now. I don't know what to do at this point. Called lawyer's office---they can't see me until Wed of next week. I am getting notices these past few days of bills not being paid. Will he stoop that low? Why is he doing this---I have been there for him for so long. I have always been there for him. Foolish of me, wasn't it?

D-Day was June 24th (same as yours, gdc!) Married for two years (she is 20, I am 27) with no children.<P>Since then, I have Plan A'd only about half the time. She has waffled STRONGLY and I've made the mistake of asking her to leave the house until she decides. She is back home now, and had strong feelings towards rebuilding our marriage, but her heart is still weak. When it comes to actually getting to it (counseling, praying, no-contact) she is still very shaky.<P>I am encouraged by two things... first that she has a sincere desire to rebuild and reconcile. And second, that even if she finds herself unable to reconcile, my time alone has helped me prove to myself that I am not trapped forever. I can still be happy someday. With or without her. But happiness in either scenario will take time.<P>I feel... strong.

GM,<BR>Didn't realize we share the same d-day. I guess that's one day that for us we'll soon forget, huh? You however Sir are in a much more favorable position than myself. My W has moved out of the house in with her parents and now is planning on getting her own apt. This is tough as the road will become that much longer when that happens. I suggest you do everything you can to aviod any LB's and start demonstarting change and meeting needs. I'm 33 and she 27, and we just celebrated (weel not really) our #3 year in marriage and this crap had to happen. I guess just like everyone else the most bizzarre thing about it is that we all thought that it would never happen to us and then BAM right on our heads w/o any warning. Total devastation emotionally. But like you GM, I have an optimistic attitude and believe that I will be better whatever the outcome. Have you talked with Steve yet? I did today and he really helped me. Anyway, keep us updated GM and I'll do the same!<BR>GC

I hate where my marriage is. We've been separated for 2 months but only married for 8. We are 1500 miles apart and haven't had any contact for over 3 weeks (not long, i know, but it's killing me).<P>I love my H very much and I don't want my marriage to end. He can't file for divorce for another 4 months because of residency status. He continued with his plan of going back to school and will move in with a roommate in Aug. (fellow lab student-guy). So he has a lot to keep himself busy and keep his mind of things...especially me.<P>As for me, i'm still staying at my parents and feel like a little kid. I'm in a rut that I can't seem to get out of. I'm not being very productive and don't have much to do to keep my mind off things. I need to find a job, but I don't want to do that because it would entail me moving to a new city. It makes me feel like i'm giving up any hope of my marriage surviving. However, as of now, i'm not doing anythings to prevent my marriage from succumbing to divorce. I feel as if i'm frozen and lost. I've never felt so hopeless about my future or more worried. I'm not one to depend on having a man in my life. I'm independent and know i will survive, although I sometimes wonder if I will regain my sense of worth.<P>I have thought about moving closer to him in hopes that we can rebuild our R. But the more time goes by, the more confused I get. As of now, I sometimes think i'm just a faded memory for him. Someone he prefers to forget.<P>How did things get so bad? It was just a few months ago that he told me he couldn't imagine life without me, but now he is living it.<P>I don't feel as if i'm getting any better. I'm sure that it is just my mood today (and my hormones). I'm very close to tears today, and can't seem to snap out of it.<P>Thanks for letting me vent...<BR>K<P>

My H left me and the six kids 2.5 years ago, has been unemployed for 15 months, divorced me 7 months ago. He sees less and less of the kids as time goes on (for which he primarily blames the kids because they disturb the "atmosphere" in the OW's house). The oldest kids want nothing to do with him. A couple of months ago he chose to punish one of the younger ones who did something that annoyed him by cutting out planned time with him.<P>This is a man who once put his family at the top of his priority list. <P>This has certainly been educational. I have learned that you can't trust anyone, even someone you have known for a quarter of a century. <P>There is no life after divorce - there is just going through the motions. Nothing means anything when you can't even trust a devoted parent to continue to love his child. You can never know when someone will turn on you. <BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited July 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gdc:<BR><B>GM,<BR>Didn't realize we share the same d-day. I guess that's one day that for us we'll soon forget, huh? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not for a long time =( unfortunately. Today, she asked me "Do I have to have every memory ripped from me?" when the OM deleted every email in their hotmail account. I told her "Honey, fortunatly for your, and unfortunately for me, every memory will not get ripped out." We will live with them for a long, long time.<P>I hope your situation changes for the better, gc. I think it will. Just a week ago, I thought for sure that my wife would never come home. Now she has written a no-contact letter and she is in a terrible mood, so I am guessing she is sticking to it. You've only been married 3 years, I've only been married 2 - the memory of the love they had that convinced them to make the step to spend forever together is still relatively fresh in our wive's minds. Bring back those memories, and make new ones by becoming the biggest giver you can manage. The reward will be when she decides she was wrong and that you are the man she wants to be with. Email me, if you want to talk more =) aragorn747@aol.com<P>

Well....where am I at?<BR>WH has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. Shows no signs of wanting to come back home. Even went so far as to come get the rest of his stuff out of the house.<P>How do I feel?<BR>I feel....angry.....sad.....confused.....and thrown away.<BR>Most of all though....I feel like I'm in control now.<BR>I've finally gotten past all the above...for the time being and am ready to fight fire with fire.<BR>I will not be treated like trash....and I will not put up with anything anymore. This ol girl has had it.<BR>He will get what's coming to him in the long run....and I may....or may not be there to help him pick up the pieces.<BR>At this point I don't really think I can even be his friend.<P>lol....too much info.....it's hormones runnin rampant! <BR>

WH and I have been in recovery for about 2 months now. Things are going well, but (as there are always buts), we aren't able to spend a lot of time together because of his recent work hours. That should change within the next few weeks though, so we can get back on track.<P>My doubts about him are becoming less and less prevailent, and my trust in him is increasing.<P>As usual, "life" is getting in the way of things, but now that we know how to deal with things better, we're doing just that. The giver in me is out in full force now, and I"m receiving some reciprocation (even though H is exhausted from all the hours he's working). <P>I've just made a pretty mega potential LB (which I posted about a few minutes ago), but aside from that, I'm controlling myself. It's really hard. My natural instinct is to lash out when I don't get my way.<P>The kids are doing fantastic, H is being treated like a king (and I'm becoming the queen), and I am almost completely recovered from the miscarriage (I had what is hopefully my final blood test today).<P>Karen<BR>