Sorry about the last minute rush on this...<P>We're telling her tonight. She is 9. She is my SD and my W's daughter. I love her more than anything and we have an unusually strong relationship.<P>W and I have previously discussed how when we tell her, it will be clear that this is W's decision... And not what I want to do. I will stick by that. W says she wants SD and my to continue to have same strong relationship, i.e. lots of visitation both ways.<P>I know to make sure she knows that it's not her fault.<P>W and I, when talking about separation, have acknowledged that we don't know what will happen. We both leave room for the possibility of reconciliation. She may have just been saying this to me to get me to move out, because in the two weeks that I have been gone, she seems to have spent most of her free time with OM. Also is going on vaction with him next week for 4 days.<P>I've let her know it hurts me for her to continue to see him and that it's impossible for us to work on a relationship until she breaks contact. Otherwise, I've just been Plan A'ing (well, not much this past week as we've had very little contact) and trying to be that safe place for her. (even though she obviously doesn't want it)<P>We have a 1.5 hour car ride to talk about things on the way to her parents' tonight. I'm sure we'll discuss telling the little one.<P>Any help is greatly, GREATLY appreciated.<P>zen

good luck.<P>I don't think my H & I handled telling our sons well at all. <P>OS has know for 2 yrs about d's A. I have written thousand of words about how he has done the last 2 yrs. not good for the last 6 months.<P>YS he found out a little over a month ago. He was sad but he is keeping most of it inside, not good I know. He has said that he is angry with dad. He met OW a few days after finding out that mommy & daddy were getting a divorce, H intorduce her to him as this nice lady who is letting him stay with her, YS (9) soon figured it out.<P>I did make sure that YS knows it was not his fault (he figured out OW's fault) & that mommy & daddy will not get back together.<P>I think his brother has told him things but not sure.<P>Good luck, it is never easy.

This is one that hits close to home.<BR>I've been through this one 3 times....and a 4th to discuss divorce with my oldest.<P>The only thing you can do it be completely honest.<BR>Kida are too smart these days....they know when your not telling them everything.<BR>If she doesn't know about the OM...then don't tell her. <BR>My oldest unfortunately knows WAY too much.....everything.<P>Make sure that she knows it has nothing to do with her...and that you love her very dearly....but this is something that has to be done....so that one day if possible you can all be a happy family again. BUT...also let her know that you 2 not getting back together is a possibility also.<P>My heart breaks for all the children involved in all these situations.....they didn't ask for his.....heck...we didn't either.....but in the long run...they are the ones most hurt by it all.

I agree with MP...tell her the truth. <BR>We dont give kids enough credit for their smarts these days. Just because they dont talk about it, doesnt mean they dont know, see, and understand.<P>Dont blame or accuse each other, but tell her the truth!!!

There are alot of excellent books on the subject written for children. I suggest you take a ride down to the local bookstore and pick out at least one or two of the best.<P>The first time I did this was when my first H and I split (I got married the first time at the age of 17 due to pregnancy- my D was 4 when we split). At that age I was afraid she wouldn't understand, so my H(Ex) and I read her the book together first, then talked to her.<P>When my current H and I split I had to do it alone, since he was gone and didn't come to even visit for two weeks, during our three week separation, and my kids were your SD's age- 8 & 9. They knew about alot of the trouble and fighting and they knew Dad was gone- they understood alot, don't underestimate what she already knows, but do make sure she understands it right. <P>So with them I started with an honest discussion, answering honestly as I could all their questions after I told them. Then I gave them the books after long hugging and crying sessions. During the discussion I hit on the key points- this is not their fault, we both still love them just as much, that it was because of trouble between Mom and Dad, and I didn't know what was going to happen, but I would tell them honestly when I did. <P>Being straight with kids is important, but I also believe in not giving them too much of the grown up details than they can handle (they might want to know about the OP, they don't need to know that you think the OM is a jerk, or that Mom called you a ******, stick to the facts not the adult garbage).. I do that with my kids by explaining very generally and then answering their questions. They will let you know what information they need and can handle, answer their questions, even if the honest answer is I don't know, they will let you know what info they need, kids are usually good at that, and as the questions come out over remaining days, weeks, answer those too.<P>There are support groups for children of divorce at schools (banana splits it is called here), and there are counselors available too, if the child is not opening up or seems to not be dealing with it well, I suggest getting them involved in these forms of help asap. <P>Stay involved in her life as much as you can, but I realize in your position it is going to be difficult, unless you have adopted her you really don't have alot of rights. But if you can it will be better for her if you stay involved and stay interested in her and how she is doing.<P>I believe primary in how well children do in this situation is keeping their home as stable as possible. If they continue to have love, and as normal as possible living conditions and schedules I think it helps alot. Extra attention to not slam each other in front of her and to not argue in front of her should be given, in front of her it should be about her and both of your love and concern about her and how that is not going to change (I hope for you and her that Mom agrees with this, but if she is not going to allow you visitation, then make sure the kid is going to get counseling if you can, that can seriously screw kids up).<P>It is also very important that whatever you tell her now you do. If you tell her you are going to see her on Sat- be there... make her be the bad guy if she insists (I hope not, but if you say something that is agreed on and planned, do let the kid see you tried to follow through as much as you can), etc.. stability is very important in the follow up. And where alot of parents screw up by letting the adult stuff come before the child's needs.<P>In any event this is not easy, and I do not envy you, best wishes and hugs. {{{{{{{zen}}}}}}}<P>NY<P>

<B>my kids were your SD's age- 8 & 9. They knew about alot of the trouble and fighting and they knew Dad was gone- they understood alot, don't underestimate what she already knows, but do make sure she understands it right.</B><P>Herein lies a problem, I think. I was reading an article about children and divorce and it said that one of the most potentially damaging types of divorce is the one that comes out of the blue, with no visible past conflict. This is what we've got... we have not shouted or fought with each other... or even really disagreed. It is going to be a complete shock to her...<P><B>Being straight with kids is important, but I also believe in not giving them too much of the grown up details than they can handle (they might want to know about the OP</B><P>I don't think it's appropriate to talk about OM... She has no clue as to the existence of him. I also want to ask my W to not allow any interaction between OM and SD. I know this is unenforceable but I can tell you that if this happens, I am in Plan B faster than you can say "knife." (Sorry, I stole that from C.S. Lewis) <P><B>Stay involved in her life as much as you can, but I realize in your position it is going to be difficult, unless you have adopted her you really don't have alot of rights. But if you can it will be better for her if you stay involved and stay interested in her and how she is doing.</B><P>I fully intend to do this, and my W has said this is what she wants as well. And I'm pretty sure that my SD will have it no other way. She and I are peas in a pod.<P>Thanks for the hugs!<P>UPDATE: We are not telling her tonight... My W "can't handle it." Or maybe something better came up with the OM. (I'm not kidding.) We're doing it tomorrow morning at home.<P>Thanks,<BR>zen