sex...<P>This is in response to Freddy's post.<P>This topic has bothered me since d-day...my H and I were intimate during his PA with OW...I truly would not have known the difference if d-day had not occurred.<P>After d-day...we were intimate almost every day for several weeks...it made me crazy...<P>The last night with me was very hurtful...I had expressed my fears of being sexual with anyone else but him...he is my one and only...<P>As we were intimate....he proceeded to tell me what others would like about me and what I did...while in the heat of the moment it 'felt' good...later in the light of day and as time as passed, it has come to feel awful...<P>How could he 'teach' me and 'prepare' me to be with someone else? Tell me that another would like being with me?<P>Our intimate life, over the 14 years of our relationship (12 married), has always been controlled by him... I have never once denied or wanted to deny him...in fact, more often than not, it was I who felt denied and left wanting...don't get me wrong...we have been very passionate and he always used to say "I just fit." He made me feel that everything was okay...except he just didn't want it very much...which I thought was odd, for a guy...<P>When it came to our EN Q's, SF was not one of H's top 5, I put it as my #1...but overtime have come to realize I have been trading the need for affection for SF--both have come up wanting...<P>Freddy's post hit me...I hope others can provide insight into this...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I would bet you are not the first person to ever mistake/equate SF and need for affection. To many, they seem to be muddled together. I also think, that as we become older, that line becomes more obscured. As we *forget* to give our S affection and neglect the EN, sex becomes the barometer by which we judge whether we are being filled or not. How often do we hear *WE only do it X times per month now*?? We have exchanged sex for affection in equating feeling loved. It gets to the point that any physical affection is felt as an attempt to fill our needs for love, affection, being needed. If that only comes a few times per month, we are like a starving person at a buffet line. We gorge ourselves at one sitting and are left wanting the rest of the days and nites. <P>Your H wasnt preparing you for someone else Marsha. Now, please dont get mad for what I am about to say here. It is just a guess, conjecture on my part, but from experience as a WS, ok? He was, in effect, giving you information based on his new experiences. My guess is that, whatever went on with OW, he expanded his sexuality...either in terms of new experiences he liked or disliked. Based on the experiences of OW, and yes they talked about sex, and desires, and fantasies, he has expanded his knowledge and desires of new things. He probably experimented somewhat, and was told by OW what others she has been with liked. He, in a weird twisted sort of way, was teaching you and giving you information. I know it sounds weird, but there was some comparing going on..not necessarily you to OW, but his experiences with you compared to what he would like, if that makes any sense. He doesnt feel comfortable coming out and telling you what they did, so this is his way of saying what he may like to try with you. <P>I know all this sounds total convoluted to you, and as I said, it just a guess on my part. But I am just trying to crawl in his head, as a former WS too, and show you where he may be at in that discussion. I do not believe it was meant to hurt you or turn you toward another man. He doesnt want that.<P>Then again, I could be wrong as 7 kinds of He!!. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I agree with TrueHeart on this Cali. I think thats what he was doing.. <p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 27, 2001).]

I'm curious to hear from WS's too, I think.?? or will it make me hurt more. I just want answers too - about what's the difference - he never complained to me - I think I did great, and we had great times together. I often wonder if he would ever be satisfied with me again - although he seemed satisfied all those years...

I've had 3 caesareans and she's had 2 naturally...somehow I don't think that kind of 'fit' applies...<P>But I guess there's some kind of emotional fit...<P>Which makes me even sadder that I have loved him for 14 years...been true...not a perfect wife, but a giving one and he can go to someone who trades husbands and lovers with the seasons...<P>Cali<BR>

As a WS myself I have to say that I agree with Trueheart. Cali, he wasn't training you for another man. I briefly read the other responses but don't have time to really read them. What was the question asked of the WS? I'll try to answer.

I heard all the gory details. I found out that I am better than her and that only I can satisy my H the way he likes to be satisfied. <P>I heard exactly what they had did, how she did things differently from me and how he didn't like some of it and had to stop her (like biting). He is not very attracted to her sexually, but is "in love" with her.<P>It was good sex, he said. Not great, just different. He doesn't compare us he says. Yeah right.<P>I guess in a way, yeah, it makes me feel a little better. But not really, did he really need to find out what sex with another woman was like? I don't know, maybe it made him appreciate me more. Maybe.<P>There was only one thing she did better. She was tighter. Yeah, well, after 3 kids (she has none), I would expect so...<P>I hate knowing this information now. Maybe, someday I'll be happy to know it. Not today.

I'm with you HBH, I'd rather not know. Just yet. Maybe in 3, 5, 15 years or so. But not now. It is good enough that, since the affair, she has started talking to me during sex and telling me if she likes what I am doing, or if she doesn't, suggesting something else. Well, ok, it's not quite suggesting, its more like COMMANDING me. I kinda like it, though

I'm with you HBH, I'd rather not know. Just yet. Maybe in 3, 5, 15 years or so. But not now. It is good enough that, since the affair, she has started talking to me during sex and telling me if she likes what I am doing, or if she doesn't, suggesting something else. Well, ok, it's not quite suggesting, its more like COMMANDING me. I kinda like it, though

Oh God, I thought I was the only one to hear about THAT comparison. What the hell am I supposed to do with such completely unsolicited and, yes, hurtful, information? OW was 28, no children. I'm 51, 4 children. That's a no brainer, huh? To be honest, it makes me not have much interest in sex with H because it was quite obvious he was making a comparison if he thought that was something I needed to know. Jerk! Any suggestions (other than slapping him upside his head)?<P>Kathy<BR>

Personally I don't think ws (me) compare op with spouses in any real way. I have to believe most of us (humans) realize how um......... stupid that would be, people are not cars or something, you don't trade em in for another model. I don't think it is any more complicated than what you allready know, op fit, and meet needs differently than you do...whether that is enuf to leave for them is another issue alltogether, but it is not because of comparison. True if ws says I like "this" better about op, it may feel like a comparison, but it is not, it is a statement about the ws, not you....btdt, and it makes me angry when my w says I am comparing, I am NOT.