The trip to tell my stepdaughter (her daughter) about the separation is off for tonight... W says she's "not up to it." It will be tomorrow when SD comes home... Now, there is no time to discuss what we are going to say to her.<P>Why is she "not up for it"? Get this: W tells me SD just found out she's going to her dad's house on Tuesday of next week instead of Thursday. She (SD) is upset and doesn't want to and wants to stay home. (W has heard all of this through her parents, btw, which is where SD is) But W is going out of town with OM starting Tuesday night... W planned it this way months ago... is now trying to say that XH is entitled to those two days and that in fact, he's entitled to more days under their court order. Not a month ago, she was arguing the OTHER side of the coin, saying he had never taken enough of his days in the summer and had lost them as a result.<P>So she doesn't want to go tonight because she knows it's going to SUCK to tell her... She's going to get upset, the weekend will be hell, then on Tuesday, she's sending her daughter to her dad's so she can go on vacation... And I'm sure SD will have LOTS to tell her dad about how crummy things are at mom's.<P>What a selfish &^&^%( (*&(*&^&$&^%&^^*&^*(&^. You know, you make your own bed, you have to lie in it.<P>I so much want to tell her to CANCEL the ^$%&#% trip with the OM... Isn't being there for her daughter more important? But I haven't LB'ed yet... I offered to stay with SD at our house those two days next week when W is gone if we can work it out with her XH.<P>I want to ask her if we can get together tonight and talk about it. I'm sure the answer would be "no". I'm sure OM already has plans for them. And wherever she's going on Wednesday morning, she's FLYING. GRRRRRRRRRRR<P>I want to LB. I want to give her a piece of my mind... I want to kick OM's $#%$#...<P>sldkfjsdlifjsdlkfjsdl;izfj sdl/ifjsd <--- furious banging on keyboard<P>zen

(((((( zen )))))))<P>That selfish woman!!!! OMG!!! The fact that WS's can so easily put their own children aside for the sake of the OP just burns my a$$!!<P>Do you think it would be appropriate for you to talk to your sd on your own? Is there an opportunity for that?<P>Karen<BR>

zen...<P>Hiya bro....dont do anything while you are seething!! But I know exactly how you feel!!! I would want to do the same thing!! W is being totally selfish!! Don't expect her to be anything else! Dont expect her to change any plans for her SD, the 9 year old or anything else coming from you. In her mind, and OM eyes, whatever gets changed is for you, and neither of them is about to do that!!<P>Keep looking for solutions like you staying with SD!<P>BTW...you are totally correct in that she is not wanting this confrontation with your daughter. She will not be looking forward to *honesty* and being put in a bad light.<P>Hang in there Zen!!!!<P>Trueheart

Yo zen - see WAT's Rule #1: you are not dealing with a rational person. You're normal thought processes won't work.<P>Take the opportunity to be with your SD. Be the hero, not the victim.<P>WAT

sorry... LMAO ..... I'm picturing you pounding on your keyboard.. <P>I don't blame you ONE BIT for being so ANGRY! I am so proud of you for not LB'ing. Come here to vent.<P>First - calm down. <P>Don;t tell her to cancel her trip. Cna you ask her nicely, would she consider cancelling for ...such and such.. (I'm sorry - I got a little confused on all the trips and where sd will be, but you know the such and such) BUt ask nicely, and if she says no she's going, then drop it.<P>Tomorrow, I think you two should take a few minutes alone - outside or in another room to discuss what to tell sd. You might ask W for her opinion first, and if it's reasonable, go with it.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Yo zen - see WAT's Rule #1: you are not dealing with a rational person. You're normal thought processes won't work.<P>Take the opportunity to be with your SD. Be the hero, not the victim.<P>WAT

Thanks guys... feeling better.<P>Yeah, I was thinking that maybe I should go visit my SD tonight up there anyway... She was so excited earlier in the week that I was coming...<P>Only thing is, won't this be an LB to my wife, like I'm saying, "I'M going to go see YOUR daughter without you..." Or like I'm trying to look better than her? But she does have to get back home somehow, and this would save W's parents a trip... I wouldn't say anything about sep stuff to SD, but might be able to smooth over the issues with going to her dad's on Tuesday...<P>whatcha think?<P>zen

duplicate - deleted<p>[This message has been edited by zen (edited July 27, 2001).]

duplicate - deleted<p>[This message has been edited by zen (edited July 27, 2001).]

Zen.....I truly feel your pain and anger and must say that I feel that all of your feelings are justified. How dare any parent forsake time with their offspring I can't comprehend how a parent can be so selfish and ungiving. GRRRRRRRRR......I won't go there (any further.)<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Zen...personally, I wouldnt give a damn about LBing your W right now! To me the mental health and happiness of that little girl is more important than dear old witchy...oops..wifey getting upset!<P>I think your daughters happiness...and yes she is your daughter....comes first!!<P>Sorry for those that disagree, but W is able to put her kids in the line of fire because she wants her time with OM...screw that!!! Go have fun with that little girl so she can see how much you love her!!!<P>Trueheart

Zen, I say go see her. If you are close with her as you say and are concerned about her like i said earlier stabilty is soooooo important. If she is expecting a visit from you tonight I wouldn't let her down. IE- kids are more important than irrational feelings of abducted former humans.<P>

Sorry to be so blunt....but I agree with TH.<BR>Why worry about what the wife wants and what will be a LB to her....she doesn't seem too concerned about you or her daughters feelings right now.<BR>Your SD is the most important person that is involved in this matter.....unfortunately your wife doesn't seem to see that right now.<P>*Would like to take a 2x4 to all WS's and make them wake up and see what they are doing to their children*

MP....can I duck?? <P>True

Zen I agree with the others you are doing the right thing by putting your SD first. Sounds like your wife is just being shall we say SELFISH! Sorry but the children always come first. Hang in there! Miss Priss sure would like to borrow that 2x4 to use on my H!!!<BR>Cybil

OK,I have an update for you all, but I can't post it until I get home, which will be in about 30 min... Unbelievable!!!<P>zen

On pins and needles- please update soon. <P>

OK, I said unbelievable, but considering the source, it's perfectly believable...<P>I called W back at around 5:30... Got her on her cell... Told her that I took care of some bills that were worrying her (Plan A Plan A Plan A) and then suggested that maybe we should ge together tonight to go over how we're going to tell her tomorrow. She says no, she's so tired and so emotionally drained right now, she doesn't think she could handle it. She suggests tomorrow morning instead before SD gets home. I say fine... We chit chat briefly and then she says, "you're just being so wonderful..." I kind of stepped on her words so she repeats it and says thank you. I say you're welcome, I just care about you and SD, I'll talk to you in the morning.<P>I go to swim at the Y. When I get back to my car, there are 4 missed calls from her on my cell. Three messages.<P>Message #1: You know, I've been thinking... I don't think we should tell her tomorrow.. She's too upset right now about going to her dad's on Tuesday, and I don't want her to go over there upset like this... Yeah, I think we should wait. and tomorrow, about midafternoon <I> we'll just say you need to go visit your parents for a few days. </I><P>Message #2: (Left about 10 minutes later) Yeah, I REALLY think that's the right thing to do... You know, if we wait, you'll be in your apartment, it will seem safer and cooler to her when we tell her. BLah blah<P>Message #3: Talked to my mom, she agrees that we should wait. I really think this is the right thing to do... You know, when we tell her it will be three days before school and all, but she'll be fine, you know the first few days of school are just review anyway, and she'll be ok... And plus you'll be there to help her with her schoolwork, it'll be ok.. Yeah, this is what I want to do, and we'll just say you have to go to your parents.<P>lskerhlaeiuhalsdiuhfsadlhkgf <---- furious tapping at keyboard<P>OK, first off, can we say "avoidance of reality"? This is so much about HER desire to postpone this, and the fear she has over SD's reaction, especially going to her dad's so soon afterwards, never mind that the reason that she's going is so she can go on vac. with OM. Oh yeah, the last message was from her cell.. too tired to have dinner and talk about daughter with me, but NEVER to tired to go spend the night with OM... Why am I even in this hotel? She hasn't slept at home in over a week... Is the $250/week here really paying for the lack of guilt (?) from me not being at home when she goes out and stays with him?<P>But the part I love is how she so effortlessly arrives at the solution of us LYING to her to get me out of the picture for the rest of the weekend. I haven't seen SD in 2 weeks either! I talked to her on the phone tonight and she misses me. Can't wait to see me. I refuse to lie to her, participate in W's scheme.<P>I called her cell (off, of course) and left a message saying that if she wanted to delay telling her, I didn't know if it was such a good idea, but that I would not lie about going to my parents. If she wants to pretend this weekend, I'm staying right there at home and even in the same bed with her.<P>The nerve! I think this is where Plan A has gotten me... I've been so nice and accomodating that she wastes no time to take advantage of me and assume i'll do anything...

{{{{{{{zen}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><B>Is the $250/week here really paying for the lack of guilt (?) from me not being at home when she goes out and stays with him?</B><P>I'd say no, you might want to asdk her same thing. It's an excellent question.<P><B>But the part I love is how she so effortlessly arrives at the solution of us LYING to her to get me out of the picture for the rest of the weekend. I haven't seen SD in 2 weeks either! I talked to her on the phone tonight and she misses me. Can't wait to see me. I refuse to lie to her, participate in W's scheme.</B> <P>Good, glad to hear it. W obviously has moose brain worms and is not capable of actually placing her D's true interests above her own right now.<P><B>I called her cell (off, of course) and left a message saying that if she wanted to delay telling her, I didn't know if it was such a good idea, but that I would not lie about going to my parents. If she wants to pretend this weekend, I'm staying right there at home and even in the same bed with her.</B><P>Pretend- hmm, well, I would bet that kid will guess there is a problem, but there is a good side to putting off telling her. Several actually<P>#1) No need to confuse shild if W is waffling, (she sounds like she might need syrup soon)<P>#2) It is obviously something she does not want to do. This is a good sign for you. Guilt is beng brought in. Reality is showing it's head in fantasy land. You know the longer we build up and procrastinate something we do not want to do the bigger the demons seem. Maybe this will send a fog light into her world and she might start to think. For my H seeing what it actually did- and the pain it caused plus reality of actually being together sent him running straight home where he belonged.<P><B>The nerve! I think this is where Plan A has gotten me... I've been so nice and accomodating that she wastes no time to take advantage of me and assume i'll do anything...</B><P>Harley says what's three months of being a doormat compared to saving your marriage. How long have you been in A? Keep up the good work, it shows you are doing a great job!<P>

(((((hugs)))))<BR>Oh my, what a mess. It really gets under my skin when selfish adults cause pain to children.<BR>Kids win over LBs anyday of the week. Of course, there might be a way to compromise so no LB and SD knows what is really happening in her life? Can you take SD to wife? That way SD will know what is going on and poor tired wife will not have to exert as much energy? <BR>Hmmm, that might be an LB too. <BR>How bout talk to MIL and see if she can convince your wife the improtance of communicating with SD? <BR>Just some thoughts. <BR>Plan a til you cannot stand it anymore. If it just is too much, go to plan b. <BR>I am so sorry this is happening in your life. aloha, cl