This seems to be a battle cry of the WS. I dont understand it at all. It seems so high schoolish. Remember " We can just be friends" when getting dumped. I get the explaination that its about feeling connected. Feeling the spark. It seems like alot of bull**** to me. How do you throw away a 14 year marriage and destroy your own security and family? I caught my wife after numerous "we are just friends" "only talking" "Its all in your mind". I tapped the phone and finally got her admission that they were "doing it". I had lots of other proof before but that was what I needed to set things out to be undeniable. It was. I have now filed for divorce and moved out. Sent wife and kids on cruise vacation. My question is what do ya'll make of this "I love you but Im not in love with you" Statement. Im sure you have heard it to. I would like to see a WS's explaination of the statement

Why did you file for divorce?<P>WAT

I am confused. Your wife lies to you, sexually cheats on you, and tells you she is no longer in love with you and<BR>you send her on a vacation cruise. It sounds like it is a<BR>reward for her bad behavior. What am I missing?

Austin, <P>You are going to get alot of questions here on your post, and rightfully so. You have reacted to the affair of your wife, and I am not sure even you will have an answer as to why?<P>But I will answer your question as far as the *battlecry* goes...<P>It is the stock answer of someone that is totally confused and embarrassed at what they have done and been caught doing. Just as a child says "I dont know", when asked why they did something, a WS answers with several answers that are very common. When we need to justify something, and are not sure what we are feeling, it is a way to answer without answering, if you can understand that. <P>Does it make it right? No<BR>Is it all we can offer at that moment? Probably so<P>I know it is not what you want to hear, but the answers you seek, take alot longer to understand, and given your limited information, I can only wager a guess as to where your W is coming from. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Austin- My H of 15 yrs and I have 3 kids and this was the same thing he said to me when I confronted him about the A and he confessed last Feb. I knew deep down it was baloney. No one stays married 15 yrs and has 3 kids together the entire time as 'just friends'! My H at the time was in a huge mid life crisis, blinded by the bullmalarkey OW was filling his head with and suddenly wanted to 'live for the moment according to his emotional state." I figured he couldnt do this indefinitely. I was right. We are 5 mo past d-day and now he sees what a fool he has been. We are in love more than ever before. I never thought it would be possible after all we've been thru. Are you sure you want your marriage to be over? lifeismessy

A,<P>your not the only one who's asked that question<P>click here <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005275.html" TARGET=_blank>Similar I love u But</A> post<P>hope you find the answer<P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Austin, I've heard that statement more than once and I know how you feel, HURT! How can our spouses say things like that to the ones they made vows to before god and just bail on us. I wish I had the answer to share with you. I know it's hard because I go through the same hell everyday and wonder why I allow my H to continue to destroy me and play with my emotions. I know we have to get stronger maybe give them a taste of their own medicine and let them be the ones in pain for awhile!! Hang in there friend it will get better for all of us. You are not alone!<BR>Cybil

That is the exact words my MM told his W - It is not truw!!!! - The "Love" is most often stronger then the "in-love" - I wish it was not so but I really beleive it is *GOOD LUCK*

It depends on your definition on Love vs In Love, which you think is stronger or more meaningful, lasting and real. <P>I tend to think of Love in an A as physical passion and newness, not lasting, less foundation, whereas In Love means foundation, reality, long term desire to be with someone. But again, they are personal definitions of terms. The bottom line is what is right for you. <P>To each his own! <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

THe cruise was paid for last year and non refundable. I didnt want to go for several reasons. 1) I didnt want to go and fight the entire time. She has really been B**chy lately! My kids 8 & 16 needed a break from all this crap so let my daughter take a friend. 2) i didnt want to go and us get along really well and build up false hope. How much hurt pain and heartbreak can a person take 3) i have to put my dad in a nursing home and Im the only one to handle that. As to why divorce see my priro post in the just found out D&D-Its over and i think a few in this area. My entire story is outlined. I do love her. I do want to reconcile but she doesnt. So I need to move on with my life. If she changes her mind and reality sucks she knows where Im at and she can talk to me from her heart and put forth an effort to save her marriage and family. How ever she said on multiple occassions she wanted a divorce. Again its the I love you but Im not in love with you. I take that to mean I love you like a brother but not as a husband.

I guess I should go and read your other posts to understand your story, but wanted to give a few thoughts. Have you read through the Harley principles? Do you think they will help your marriage? If you want to reconcile, can you stop the divorce process, learn all you can here, and make another effort to reconcile using Plan A? Are they on the cruise now? They can come home to a new and improved Austin, armed and "dangerous". I know you hate this, because you DO admit that it's the battle-cry, but it really is what spouses say when they are in an A. My H gave me that speech out of the blue, and a week and a 1/2 later, with the little proof I had gathered, came clean with his confession. The fact that they still "love" at all, to me, is enough to go on, if you want to implement Harley's principles and try to save your marriage. You know, 50% of marriages that suffer affairs can survive. That's pretty good odds for me!

Austin - I have not yet read your other posts, so pardon me if I now say something that doesn't fit your situation.<P>Do you want to be right, or do you want to preserve your family?<P>Stop your divorce.<P>If it's as over as you claim, let her file. Otherwise, you'll carry the burden of this decision for the rest of your children's lives. Your wife will be able to blame you - and she'll be correct. This will forever stand as justification for her continuing affair. It's lose-lose for you and your kids.<P>WAT