For all you who may fall off the Plan B wagon .. DON'T!<P>I have been trying to stop crying and calm myself down since he called again today. I am shaking and having anxiety attacks again. I am OFF meds. I'm sitting here at work in the Lab with red swollen eyes, thinking what a idiot I am, just a FOOL!!!<P>My H told me that he will "allow" me to continue to see his son (OC) but only because he feels he owes me, since we didn't have children together. <P>He said the only reason he is in touch with me is because he has always taken care of me and it's just a habit <-I WON'T EVEN GO THERE.<P>He told me when we reconciled 9 years ago it was because he felt he owed me and it was on a trial basis ... WTF??? (excuse me for swearing, I am just so upset)<P>He AGAIN said something to the affect that I was responsible for the non-participation in the OCs lives in their early years.<P>GOD this HURTS! Is it the truth??? Okay fine, I'm just a big pile of sh*t!<P>I was nice thru the whole convo, I listened and said "uh huh" and when we hung up I totally broke down.<P>There is a REASON for Plan B.<P><BR>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 27, 2001).]

Jo....<P>Dont let him do this to you dangit!! This is his weak way of justification and blaming you still. He still refuses to take the responsibility for anything here!! He is going to make himself feel better, by putting you down!! He is going to rise up by stomping on you. He is going to make sure you are to blame, so that he comes up smelling like a rose, when all is said and done. <P>You deserve to see YOUR son. (I dont care how he phrases it!!)<BR>You deserve to be happy and loved! (And he isnt good enough to do it!!)<BR>You deserve love and support! (He is too selfish to give it!!)<P>NO he is not right! He will think nothing of trampling your feelings so that his are soothed. He will absolve his guilt by telling himself you are to blame!<P>Remember...there is a reason he is called the WEAK SPOUSE, and he has just proven that reason. Only someone as weak as he is right now would say and do things this way. If he werent weak, and still going to make this decision, he would come to you and apologize for what he has done and is doing, take responsibility for his part in everything, and ask what can be done to ease this pain or make it easier. (Even if nothing could be done, if he werent weak, it would go down this way) He is as guilty as can be, and running away like this is how he deals with it.<P>Take heart...You have done nothing wrong!! He is not right!! You are not to blame for his weaknesses!! Yes, you may have contributed somewhere along the way, but that does not make you wrong or bad!!<P>Hang in there...go take a hot bath...relax...and BREATHE!!!!<P>{{{{HUGGGGGGGGGZ}}}}<P>Trueheart

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B><P>I have been trying to stop crying and calm myself down since he called again today. I am shaking and having anxiety attacks again. I am OFF meds. I'm sitting here at work in the Lab with red swollen eyes, thinking what a idiot I am, just a FOOL!!!<P>My H told me that he will "allow" me to continue to see his son (OC) but only because he feels he owes me, since we didn't have children together. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>(((((((((JO))))))))))))) <P>Your H is a bully and speaks in an asinine tongue. How dare he think that he is doing you a "favor" by allowing you to see your son. Perhaps your son wishes to be with you far more than his father cares to realize. Does it anger him that your son is concerned for you and feels your absence? Take advantage of the time that your H "allows" you to spend with the boy. It appears that your hubby feels threatened by your relationship with the boy. Why......because true love prevails? The man is in an abyss of fog...... <P><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Hi Jo:<P>Don't get here as much as I use to...but I have been following your threads...this response seems strange to me...kinda out of character for your WXS...what was his motivation for saying all this...did you ask him something that he got defensive about and needed to attack you on some level? Seems like he was very deliberately trying to hurt you...or to blame you...or to set the record straight..it all seems so unnecessary at this point. What's up?????<P><BR>Faye

Jo,<P>Coming out of hiding for this one. Ok, so I am already in a furious mood. What he supported you all those years?<P>I thought the fog didn't your area for a few more months????<P>You have a relationship with the OC that you built. Uuugh.<P>Will call you later. .... climbing back into my shell...<P>L.<P>

Hi .. I'm still so upset. But have calmed down. I'm sorry for venting like this ...<P>H and I have been talking the last three days. He still has his stuff here and I emailed him to coordinate the delivery (BAD MOVE) .... we ended up on the phone, 3 convos. In one of them he told me I should allow him to call me, I said no, he said YES because I see OC. And I got the "I miss you, I love you" stuff.<P>Then in today's convo, he asked how often I was going to see OC, I said not often, that I was seeing OC solely because I have an affection for him, no hidden agenda. And I didn't want to cause anyone hurt or trouble. He said he understood and that's why he was still allowing me contact with OC ... blah blah blah. <P>You know Buffy ... I don't get it. Why can't he just be truthful. I mean it's not like we're dickering about divorcing or anything. It's a DONE DEAL. I guess I expect too much. I have tried everything to make it safe for him to be perfectly honest with me. But I guess he can't even be honest with himself. This revisionist history disorder the WS has can certainly hurt you to the very core of your being.<P>I feel so stuck right now. This man has hurt me again and again ... like TrueHeart said .. what I wouldn't give for a "here's what I did, I made mistakes" instead of the I LOVE YOU I MISS YOU's, just to hear him say the TRUTH just once. I get blamed for this whole friggin mess and I can't fix any of it. I really thought we were past it, I honestly did.<P>The whole time he was saying this he was calm and collected, like it was a matter of fact and we both know it.<P>I thought since we were D and because we had waited months before finally having a convo it would have been a honest REAL talk. You know? A closier talk. I messed up. I do expect too much.<P>I guess the deal is now that he will never lay eyes on me again, never talk to me again. Never, I am done.<P>Jo

I know I signed off...but I just had to check in one more time....<P>Jo...<P>I am with you on the revisionist history crap...my H keeps going back 12 years and saying "I knew he didn't want to get married..." "why did I force the issue by saying we would be a good team?" <P>We all have our own version of reality...our own dream or fog, if you will of the past...YOU KNOW WHAT IS/WAS TRUE FOR YOU...don't let his perception get to you...<P>Think of how much you have grown and learned...you have survived...now you will continue to move forward...I know you don't want to think about it...but there is a wonderful man out there, who will embrace MB principals and love you and take care of you like you should be taken care of...and your H will regret...probably already does regret what has happened...(but he can't let you see him sweat).<P>I cried all the way home from car rental place...I am exhausted...amidst the drama of today, H and I were so calm and civilized...it was scarey...how he "just doesn't want to be married..." I guess I just have to let him go gracefully.<P>I know you are having trouble letting go...grieve...grieve...and you will start to move on...trust in God and let it go...my heart hurts for you, for me, for anyone who has committed their life to someone, loved them with all their heart...only to be left hurting so cruelly.<P>Prayers to you,<BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Jo,<BR>I don't even have the words to tell you how awful I feel (I guess I say I am crying with you). The a**!!!!!<P>Everybody gives a 2 cents worth - but it is an opinion - okay, the creep is afraid to commit. Everyone is right - you deserve better, because you are a wonderful person.<P>I just don't get this ****ty "game". Men can't figure out women, and women can't figure out them. We've only heard about the days where the man wore the "long underwear" and took his (you know what) out to use it as he saw fit. The woman, cleaned, cooked, hoed, washed, took care of the kids, animals, and took care of the man. Women didn't have a "mind" to be able to do anything else, because that was their duty in life. I don't want any "man" getting upset with me here because of these comments. It is not like that any more.<P>I feel so bad that you are hurt again, and I advised to talk to him. Everyone else knew better. Okay, I'll wear the mud on my face. You are probably upset with me too. Some day your H is going to look back because he is slapped in the face and realizes he made one of the biggest mistakes in his life - it will be too late.<P>Jo, I am really, really sorry for your pain. Sorry I was such an *** to try to give him credit. "Owe" for what? <BR>I can't give anymore sound advice. aftershock

Awwwwwe ... After Shock...<P>No No No ... I made the decision on my own to talk to H. I didn't do it because of your advice. I wanted to talk to him. I weighed the pros and cons, I thought I was strong enough, I trusted what he had said in the 1st convo and I was badly disappointed. It is not anyone's fault. I feel terrible you think it was your influence, and truly it wasn't. I wanted to talk to him. <P>Plesae don't feel any grief over this. You, like, me, believe in love and honesty. You simply went with what my H said, and felt what I did. We were both fooled.<P>I appreciate so much your help with this. And because we both felt the same way, made me see that I am not totally crazy. <P>Please ... no worries over this. I made my decision unilaterially. I am a big girl and can recover just fine. I still think you're the best ever for helping me, and would hope you won't be apprehensive in posting to me again. I think we both are very good people.<P>Please be well and don't give it another thought.<P>Best,<BR>Jo

Jo,<BR>I've been on here for 3:50 - my clock counter. I've been running through old posts to figure out what happened with you and your H. Also, been trying to find your e-mail. I've been seeing alot of c%#p - with people sending nasty e-mails. I've been rereading some old posts - because there is alot of stabbing going on here. Cali's situation . . . and the recent stabbing of STL. Anyway, if you didn't post your e-mail, e-mail me at slinkyk18@yahoo.com<P>D@*n, girl, I can't believe 15+ years, and you go have to go through this crap. Where is God? It is now 3:56 counter. MB posting 3:28 on time (you and I are both west coast), are you still here? Anyway, still sorry for the hurt. hugs, aftershock

Jo,<BR>p.s. I can't stay on too much longer if you're not up. I was up until 1:30 last night, and up at 6 am. <P>I just don't understand this stuff, I just don't understand this stuff, I just don't understand this stuff.<P>Somebody clue me in - it really pisses me off. You get married, you go and swear you want to love this person until death do you part - and then look what happens. I know I'm alot to blame in mine. I recently went to the library and did some research, and found some interesting books. Off the isle of "relationships" dewey 6xx. whatever. I am thinking of changing a major to psychology and being a marriage c - you'll make alot of $$ (just kidding). Thanks for letting me vent.<P>Get me on a lighter note.<P>I rearranged my kitchen counters yesterday. They look great, flour canister and sugar, and knives together, all the appliances in the corner. Cookie jar where you can see it (Stafordshire pottery, blue kitty, hope kids don't break it now - she's been with me more years than you can add their ages together, bought it in Kirkland). Now if I could just want to cook.

Jo, <P>The best part is that you can start over this morning and work your magic. Get stronger each time. It is a learning experience, eh?<P>Huggggggz to you on the first try! You are a brave and wonderful lady!! You hang in there for you!!<P>Trueheart

Jo - sorry I'm getting here late on this one.<P>Your initial conclusion is right on. Plan B has a reason. Sometimes we forget it.<P>Please see my recent post to WSs. I was exploring the hypocrisy exhibited in the fog. Your X is displaying this in spades. Believe it or not, there is comfort here. He's so TOTALLY hypocritical that you can be assured he's TOTALLY still under control of the Mothership. Your reaction - like all the rest of us - is to initially assume he's applying YOUR normal thought processes. This is why it's SO irrational to you.<P>In time - and with a lot of kicks in the butt - I've come to be entertained and reassured by similar antics by my wife. Please try to join me in this approach. Hopefully, through Plan B, you won't have to be entertained too much.<P>Dave (WAT)