My husband got in contact via classmates.com with a high school sweetheart (and the girl he lost his virginity to) in March. I knew at the beginning that he was talking to her but was told she was married with 2 kids. Slowly the truth came out that she was getting divorced and that she had started flirting with him. I told him it was dangerous for our marriage for him to keep in contact with her. Although he said it was innocent he told me he had stopped emailing and talking to her and told her to do the same.<P>In mid-April H went on a "guys" weekend to Las Vegas. Well it turned out that she met him there (we live in California and she lives in Virginia) and when I found out a week later he told me he had never stopped talking to her. He made the decision to leave and stay with a friend. <P>He also told me he had been wanting to leave for a long time, which I didn't believe, just a couple of months before this happened he would have told anyone who would listen that we would never be divorced. I knew our marriage was not perfect but it was not bad either. We just bought our first house 6 months ago. I told him that if it were true that he was wanting out he would never have wanted to buy the house.<P>So...he left and filed for divorce the same day. All this happened 6 weeks after their first contact. The day before I received the divorce papers they had a fight and it was over but then the next day they were back together and he flew to VA for the weekend. Over the next 2 months he flew there several times (with her paying as he had no money due to having to help with our bills). Then he did the unthinkable and quit his job. His job was the best he had ever had...he loved it, had stock options and was promised a VP position within the next year or two.<P>Not only I, but everyone, thought he was crazy. I have been on MB, read many of the books including "Surviving an Affair" and knew he was in a deep fog and deeply addicted to this woman. On the day he left I had a telephone counseling session with Jennifer and she told me his leaving probably had to be done so that the affair could end its natural death and for me to keep up with Plan A as much as I could.<P>He left driving to VA on June 15. We kept in touch. I have always told him that I loved and that he is welcome back here. Then on July 10 he started talking to me about coming home. He said she is emotionally unstable, he didn't love her anymore, there are no jobs there for him (his industry doesn't even exist there) and that he wanted to come back to CA, even if he had to sleep in the other bedroom or live with a friend. I told him that if he was coming to CA that is one thing, but if he wants to come back to me he has to put 100% into working on our marriage. Over the course of the next few days he agreed that was what he wanted and a plan was set.<P>He started driving back last Thursday, July 19. I had to help finance the trip. I knew he hadn't been there long and he was coming back quickly but I thought since everything else had happened so quickly him coming back so quickly was not unusual. We talked every night he was on the road and he was really out of the fog. He had deep insight into what he had done and was really ready to tackle our marital problems and get on with the future. He said he got very uncomfortable there and that he saw no future with her...couldn't even picture it.<P>He got home last Sunday and it was late so we didn't talk about anything heavy, he was glad to be home. After I got home from work on Monday we went to dinner and talked about how we had to be totally honest with eachother. I then confessed about reading his email and that the OW had sent 3 since he left and that I had deleted 2 of them but in a gesture of total honesty I agreed to let him see the other one (I had moved it to another account). In it she said how much she loved him and only wanted the best for him. <P>Tuesday he was in a funk...I knew it was withdrawals and he admitted that I shouldn't have shown him that email. Wednesday we went to a counseling session and he said he couldn't promise not to be in touch with her. He said she had called right before our counseling session. Our counselor just told me to give him space for him to come around. She said he was confused and he made an appointment to see her by himself the day before our next session. I thought we were on the right track.<P>Thursday I found out he had a secret email account for her to send emails to him. He told me that she was just wanting to be his friend. I told him he couldn't be her friend if we are to work on our marriage. He just said he needed time to completely end it. Well...this is where I screwed up. I was at work and I called her at her work and left her a voicemail saying I knew she wanted to be his friend but that he was here to work on our marriage and that he was weak when it came to her and if she really cared about him that she needed to stop talking to him. I told her I was sorry she was hurting right now and that I knew she still loved him.<P>She called my H immediately and played my message for him, saying "is that what she thinks of you? That you're weak?" I called him immediately as well, I think she was on hold, and told him I had done it and that I wished I hadn't. He was angry so I wrote the OW an email trying to explain that she had misinterpreted what I said and that it was a plea to get her to stop contacting him as he was having a hard time cutting ties but that he had done the right thing by coming home to work on our marriage.<P>She responded that they still loved each other and that she would not stop contacting him and that anything I sent her would go straight to my H (that didn't matter, I wasn't keeping anything from him). In the email I got the impression that she thought I was just trying to be his friend and hoping beyond hope that he would change his mind. She told me he would never change his mind. At that point I knew he was playing with both of us.<P>That night he told me that he just has to end it his way, that once she realizes he is not coming home she will go her own way. He also told me that I had done damage as she originally would have never called our home. I told him I was sorry...I told him just to give us time. He kept reassuring me all night.<P>The next day we talked a few times but when I came home he was gone. The note just said "I'm sorry." I looked on the computer and he had been on mapquest so I know he is back driving all the way across country again...he hasn't called.<P>What do I do? He was only back for 5 days and drove all the way across the country to be here. Was he just out of the fog temporarily? Do I hang on? Do I keep up with Plan A? I was getting so much better before he came back after all the pain and now I am back to not sleeping or eating. <P>Please, any advice???<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>LAJ

I think you should cut off all communication with H.

I don't think he gave himself enough time to really make a good decision on leaving. Evidently, she has convinced him that he made the wrong decision, regardless. You will probably be hearing from him again, but you must do Plan A if he is going to ever come home for good.<P>

Can you talk to Jennifer again? I think you should Plan A longer - Harley's recommend 6 months if at all possible. plan B should be a last resort - if you have Plan A'd for 6 months, or if your love is dying.<P>Yes, it's difficult to Plan A separated - especially all the way across the country - but not impossible. Learn all you can, and whenever you communicate, fill EN's and NOT LB's! <P>Hope that helps a little. AND... take care of yourself. Get some rest - it's ok to lose a little weight (the "Infedelity Diet" ), but you need to take care of yourself. You are worth it! It's not YOUR fault your H had an A, and is making some dumb decisions! ok? Take care, and keep reading and posting!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 28, 2001).]

LAJ,<BR>Short reconciliations are difficult...you wonder why they came home, then why they left.<P>My H didn't go as far away, but he left 7 times in 21 months. It was awful. Each time he was drawn by his love for me and the importance of our family...but once he was back...that other life seemed better.<P>He did finally come out of it and we've been together over a year now. He's completely himself again.<P>I would also recommend Plan A...what you can do of it with him gone. There are people here who have stayed Plan A through their divorce.<P>Also, try not to contact the OW...she's not your friend, she's not on your side, she doesn't give a rip about your marriage, and you already see that she is more than willing to twist & spin what you say.<P>Likely when he gets there again e will find out she is still emotionally unstable, he still can't get the kind of job he wants, she has kids that (hopefully) she expends time, energy & money on, and again hopefully that he really doesn't love her. High school sweethearts who have been married and have 2 kids, a divorce have had many experiences, changes from being the teenager...probably why he told you he didn't love her anymore.<P>It sounds like you did a good job with Plan A the last time he was gone...he missed you, he came home. And you did well with setting the boundaries of your expectations, that if he moved home he would be working on the marriage. You have to stick to that. You don't want 7 of these bounce-back separations...or even one more. I can say that, although I have had a happy outcome finally. Obviously I don't really know how to prevent it...other than the last time, once my H wanted to move back in, we waited about 2 months, saw our counselor, did a lot of talking, spent time together. And his affair was over at that point about 7 months.<P>I had to have that time to be sure I was willing to try again...and to give him time to back out if he was going to.<BR>But that time limit was arbitrary--I'm not suggesting a specific time for you.<P>Your situation is disheartening, but not hopeless. I agree with Faith, this is a good time to take care of yourself. You can't control what he does from this point out, all you can do is control your actions and set your boundaries and goals.<P>And do contact Jennifer if at all possible. MB does give you a chance at success.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8