Here is the condensed version. I found about about suspected A on June 16, confronted H who denied all. We went on vacation with the kids a few weeks later (this had been planned for a while). H started wearing his wedding ring after almost 2 years without. This are going good. H found out his fav brother is getting a divorce because of his W having an affair. H tells me he wants to make everything right and will do anything do make it happen. <BR>Now the dumb part. I called him at work today, secretary (the suspected OW) was nasty evil mean to me. I told H, very nicely, he needs to tell her to back off of me. H then replies "don't like it don't call here, go file for divorce". Click he hung up on me!<BR>What the heck did I do wrong???<P>------------------<BR>I'm standing here until you make me move.<BR>I'm hanging by a moment here with you.<BR>From Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse<p>[This message has been edited by TinyDancer (edited July 28, 2001).]

You didn't do anything wrong hon. Try not to fret about it (yah, like that's an easy thing to do!).<P>I'd talk it over with your H when he gets home. It's quite possible that he was stressed out from something at work (actually work related), and lashed out to you.<P>My H was nippy to me too today while at work. He works for U-Haul.. it's the last weekend of the month...and super busy. He called a few hours later to apologize (something new he's learned since our recovery began.. actually, now that I think about it, this is the FIRST apology I've heard since recovery began 2 months ago).<P>Don't forget to use the "I" statements. You know the rules of care right? Use them. They work wonders. <P>Take care,<BR>Karen<BR>

TD:<P>Ditto Karen.<P>From personal experience, be aware that he is in emotional turmoil too. Guilt, shame, remorse often translate into anger. Try to couch phrases from an "I" perspective, rather than a "you" perspective. It is less "accusatory" and less likely to cause a lashing out.<P>You both will have your ups and downs. First off, the two of you should read everything on this site, and Dr. Harley's <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I>. The sooner you can do the emotional needs survey and implement it and the four rules (honesty, time, care and protection), the better.<P>The road to recovery is a long one. The fact that he is willing to salvage the marriage is a positive sign. It is going to take both of you giving the marriage and each other 100 percent for this to work.<P>Just realize that you are not alone. The material here is your roadmap and the people here on the MB boards are your tour guides. They will have valuable insights to give you and your husband (yes, he is encouraged to post here as well).<P>Godspeed and safe journey,<BR>STL

Thanks for the input. H will be home any time now and I'm already stressed. All I said to him was "can you please tell D. (OW) to stop treating me like it offends her when I call you". I have read the books and everything on the site. H won't participate and refuses to do the questionaires. I'm doing this all on my own...with a little help and support from you awesome people...thank you <P>------------------<BR>I'm standing here until you make me move.<BR>I'm hanging by a moment here with you.<BR>From Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse

TD:<P>Well, from having read the materials, you can work on your end. But to truly recover, it has to be a 100-percent effort by you both.<P>Keep up the Plan A front insofar as trying to meet his emotional needs and implementing as much as possible the rule of time. Honesty, care and protection are important.<P>Tell him your fears, that you desperately want this to work, but in you need him to understand where you are coming from; that you want to meet his emotional needs, and the only way for you to do that is for him to do the EN questionnaire with you. You get the drift. "I" need "you" ... that way you are not pointing the accusatory finger outward; you are telling him how he can help you be a better wife.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL