Had a ridiculous conversation with my wife. I am worried about her doing business in China. She told me inthe clothing business or any other business sometimes the lady can get nowhere with normal talk. So she has to go out talking and drinking with the business man, they feel good about each other maybe have sex and then the man helps the lady. She said this is very common in China. I said that's very stupid. She said "you don't understand anything about business." I said well how does the husband feel then? She said the business man and the lady are happy and it benefits the family financially. I said well I was not brought up to think this is good. I said I don't think this is normal. She said "You don't understand business." I said if that's business then I don't like business. I said this is exactly the reason I am scared she wants to go to China to do business. She said she is not thinking to have sex with any guy because she loves her husband. I said before you told me you loved me yet you had sex with someone because they helped you. She said "It wasn't my thinking it was the man's thinking. She said the men are very bad in China." Then she said why are you still thinking about the past. She said the past was 6 months ago when she was in China and I was here. She said now things are different, she is good now. Then we went around in circles a few more times and she asked me to just stop thinking about this. She said if I keep thinking about this then maybe she will do something like this. So that was frustrating for me. She said just trust her that she will be good if she goes to China. She said she will try to avoid the type of business where this happens. I said maybe the men will try to deceive you. She said "maybe." I said it's better if the husband goes with you to China. She said if you are rich fine but if you are not then it's better I stay home with the children. So I decided to stop discussing this because it gets me nowhere. Sometimes talks like this can get heated very fast and lead to a divorce out of anger. So I learned you have to really be careful if you are the BS.

Roger,<P>I am sorry but I cannot keep quiet on this any longer. Your wife is make all sorts of excuses for her affair. She is not taking any responsibility for her own actions. From what you have said, her story changes constantly as to why she slept with the this guy. <P>Sleeping with a man is NOT a normal part of any business deal. Sure in come cultures (even here in the US) men try to hold it over a woman’s head that they will not get the business/job/raise/etc without putting out sex. But if the woman decides to have sex, it is still her choice.<P>Does your wife realize that she got STDs from that guy? Does she realize that she may get infected again? And it may not be that easy to cure next time.<P>If she were my spouse, with the things she keeps telling you, I’d tell her that if she goes to China that she is not welcome back. Remember that MB says that extraordinary measures must be taken to ensure that the conditions of the affair are not repeated. Your wife is about to walk right back into the same situation. What she describes is essentially a form of prostitution – sex in exchange for monetary gain. Is your family so destitute that you need for our wife to do this? I don’t think so. So extraordinary measures to prevent future affairs is essential. She needs to get a job that keeps her from having to travel. <P>RE: “Sometimes talks like this can get heated very fast and lead to a divorce out of anger. So I learned you have to really be careful if you are the BS. “<P>I don’t think that you will find anything in the MB material where you need to keep quiet about such a situation.<P>Z<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

R:<P>It is the fog talking. There is no legitimate international business that condones sex as part of the consummation of a business deal, regardless of the country in which the business is transacted.<P>In Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley points out that to maintain no contact and to prevent recurrence of an affair, moving or giving up one's job is something that should be considered.<P>It is definitely a topic of discussion to take up with your wife. The discussion does not have to be loaded with love busters either. Use of the "I" syntax rather than the "you" syntax take the accusatory sting out of it while still permitting you to discuss the topic within the realm of the rules of honesty, care and protection.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Rodger -<BR>I have read your posts in the past and I have stayed out of<BR>it but this last post of yours is too much. Your wife has a<BR>sexual affair on you 6 months ago and gets a STD and tells you to forget about it or she just may do it again? She says it is normal business in China to have sex with businessmen<BR>even if she is married. I agree her story constantly changes and she refuses to accept responsibility. I would not trust her at all. She has all but implied that she may have to have sex for business reasons if the situation arises for a particular reason. I agree with the previous poster who said if she goes to China tell her not to return. It really sounds like she is setting you up to play the fool again.<BR>She is playing mental games with you that will eventually drive you crazy and destroy your self-esteem. You deserve so much better than this Rodger.

I, too, have tried hard to understand Roger's situation. Can't take it anymore. This time I MUST reply. <P>Roger, honey, your W is completely snowing you. I cannot for the life of me believe you would fall for her reasons why she did what she did. She is feeding you line after line after line of bull---t. And you are devouring it. No woman, I don't care what culture or country she is from, has to sleep with a man because of "business". It would be a choice on her part. In this country, it's called prostitution.<P>Your wife should NOT be doing business in "her country" if it is going to upset you, period.

And, I'm sorry, Roger, but sometimes I want to slap YOU out of the fog..............................

Rodger,<P>I have been reading your posts since you first came here. I believe I may have responded to you. However, I have refrained from posting to you because I have felt you were so snowed by your W that that advice would be wasted.<P>I am not sure I am wasting my time here, but Rodger she must be one beautiful woman to allow her to run all over you as she as done. Her comments to you are completely disrespectful. I spoke with a friend of mine who does business in China and speaks Cantonese/Mandrin cannot remember which fluently. Alot of what you have posted your W as saying is just bunk.<P>Now, a woman using sex to get what she wants is hardly news. There are more than a few women who have slept with the boss or someone else to get what they want. It would seem that your W is that sort of woman.<P>This brings me to the one question I have wanted to ask you. What makes you think that she isn't using sex to get you to marry her and bring her here. You mention children. I thought you were recently married??<P>Rodger, it would appear that you are indeed being use by a woman that WILL sleep with any man to get what she wants. What do you have that she wants?? Citizenship, money, what?<P>I apologize if this post offends you. It is not my intention, but I have been posting and reading here for a long time. I am very very promarriage, but not at the cost of a human being. <P>This whole marriage has been tearing you up. She refuses to back off on this issue of the affair. I suspect it is because she is so confident that you won't leave her. I am not a Chinese scholar, but I think I remember reading that affairs are not well received in China any more than they are here. Certainly, by the husband. Concubines were different matter. Yet, she is trying to convince you that they are.<P>Rodger, it is time you admit that you are so worried precisely because you realize what you are hearing is hogwash. You know this woman has no sense of remorse for what she has done, unless it may mean missing her meal ticket.<P>Rodger, I would agree with the others here, if she goes to China it would be over. However, I do think it is probably over now and that is why you are so disturbed. You know and sense more than we can.<P>Rodger, if you are a religious man do some praying on this.<P>God Bless<P>JL

Roger,<P>My dear, we have had these conversations before and JL is asking some pointed questions similar to the ones I raised in previous posts. You seem like such a nice man and though your W may have 'some' good qualities, they are being replaced/erased by such bad ones that what good there is, is not shining through. Not even to you. <P>Please Roger, think about where you will be in 5 to 10 years. Will you be in this same situation? I personally think you have so much to offer someone who has the same moral values and common interests as you have. Your W may look good on your arm but does she look as good in your heart? <P>Please don't let her manipulate you into letting her do more damage to your marriage. I hope you will take this in the spirit intended. We want so much for you to be happy and not continue to worry about your future. Actually we want this (not worrying about our future) for all of us here at MB. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

I want to thank you all for responding to me. I never take offense at anything anyone tells me. I think I will still try to hang on. My phoned some church people to come over to give us weekly lessons about marriage. Maybe her ideas and values can still change.

Rodger, Rodger, Rodger.............values do NOT change. Either you have them or you don't. They are deep seated and are formed at an early age. Same goes for morals. Your wife has none of the above and will not obtain them anytime soon.<P>I agree with previous posts. There must be something material your wife wants from you (citizenship, money, etc...) because it is apparent she cares nothing for your feelings. Quit being a doormat! Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. There are plenty of AMERICAN women who would love to have a life with a guy like you. <P>I have said it before, this is one of the many problems associated with marriage outside of your own culture.