Brief summary:<BR>Married 7 and 1/2 years. together 11. no kids.<BR>May 14: H left without explaining (we had had a couple of weird conversations and had agreed to be committed and "fix" whatever was wrong on May 13)<BR>May 29: H came home - confessed to A during these 2 weeks. Agreed to counseling and reconciliation.<BR>Rough 2 weeks - Started counseling, refused "no-contact", but claimed PA was over, and stayed away from me.<BR>June 18: H moved to apartment. says he needs some space. <BR>July 5: Last counseling - counselor told H to decide what he wanted before continuing counseling<P>He won't tell me where he lives, we don't talk much. I Plan A best I can separated - not talking much. I gave him a Plan A / Dobson letter on July 12. I haven't LB'd since July 5. He won't talk to his family.<P>Question: He's coming over (if he doesn't cancel ) Monday night to help me work on some stuff (bills, taxes, etc.), and will be here for a few hours. I'm nervous. I can try to just be pleasant, stay on the work, and not LB. His biggest EN's are admiration (big #1 need), and SF/attractiveness/domestic support - all tied for second (?) best I have figured out. BUT, I'm dying inside to try to move to a new level: figure out what his plans are - if he still sees her - if we can go back to counseling - ask him about his money (he seems to be wasting it). I'm only 3 weeks into a solid Plan A (with not much communication), so it's probably too soon to push any serious conversation.... right? That's my question. <P>I've lost 30 pounds (20 more to go), keep the house and yard nice, am pleasant and positive when we talk. I don't want to mess anything up in my Plan A. BUT, I guess I'm being impatient and want some answers and want him to make a decision. I have trouble communicating about serious issues without going into LB's ("you" statements, lecturing, judgments, etc.) I'm trying to work on that . OK, I guess I've answered my own question: don't bring anything up right now.<P>Any feedback? <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Faith1,<P>Yours sounds weird, but I think you've got the plan pretty good. Let him make any introductions if he wants to talk, especially since he left like that. If he is "wasting" his money you can only think it is going to one source. You know it is the fog. Also, you know where things are if he is not being cooperative with the counselor and the counselor says come back later.<P>It sounds so spooky if he can't tell you where he lives. You need him to come over on Monday so you can work on some time and honesty, just stay on track - don't LB, no disrespectful judgments.<P>You can do it. Hope you see him on Monday. aftershock

Thanks for your input, aftershock.<P>Yes, I will have to relax and be confident. I just so nervous when I see him - I feel like a kid or something. I just don't want to do anything wrong.<P>What do you mean sounds weird? Which part? Maybe I need to clarify or describe something in more detail?? I mean I agree H is acting weird - but I figure it's the normal fog as everyone describes here.<P>thanks again.

Hullo, Faith...<P>Boy do I know that feeling... You've got this big "opportunity" coming up... You want to make the most of it, right?<P>Well, first off, relax... OK, now it's good that you're planning to do this together... but don't be completely surprised if he balks... In fact, prepare yourself for it... That way, if he does, you can be quite nonchalant in your response. Don't worry, it will happen, eventually. He might just make a false start.<P>Do you think he is thinking to himself that you might try to have a serious "talk" over a few issues? If he is suspecting this, then the best thing you could do would be to prove him wrong. As you've advised me before, if he was bracing himself for "deep" questions and instead you were light-hearted but still focused on your specific issues (taxes, money, etc), he's come out of there scratching his head as to why you didn't ask him all the hard stuff..<P>If you keep this up, but occasionally let him know that the "hard stuff" is still very much in your mind, just under your control, he will eventually come to you with a few comments/questions about the "deeper" issues. Don't expect the floodgates to open, and don't scare him off by jumping into all-out serious mode, but just listen intelligently and measure out your thougts and feelings.<P>He may open the door a tiny bit for some of this kind of "serious" talk himself when you see him Monday, but if not, I don't think I'd push it. Keep working on yourself (sounds like you're doing a fab job) and the time will come.<P>Hang in there!!!<BR>zen<p>[This message has been edited by zen (edited July 28, 2001).]

Faith:<P>It certainly sounds as if the affair is continuing. The behavior pattern would certainly indicate it.<P>Now, as for Monday night. Do the work first. Then approach H with how you feel (the "I" technique prevents a finger-pointing "you" LB).<P>Plan A does not preclude you finding out what you need to know. It just means that you will try to the best of your ability to meet ENs and to not LB. Honesty, when combined with the rules of care and protection, is not an LB. By not approaching him, you are enabling him (in continuing the affair, if that is what he is still doing). Remember the parts of Part A that help you work on you.<P>Good luck Monday night (I will be on the road, but will try to look in on MB to see what develops).<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thank you zen! Yes, I hadn't thought about it from his perspective - YES, he will expect me to ask questions about the serious issues. OK. I will prove him wrong and not bring them up. whew I feel better! But I'm still dying to know where he is all that fog - he's in there somewhere.... I'll just keep writing to my journal... darn thing never answers me though!!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Faith1,<P>Weird - in the way you explained, that he took off, got his own place, then told you about the A, and won't tell you where he lives. This points in the direction of dishonesty - he can do what he wants - he is being secretive - which is a rule of WS. If he weren't hiding it you would know where he lives. And the accounting for money, that is the clue too - that he is still has the A going on.<P>Good luck for Monday, you can do it, just keep your cool. hugs, aftershock

Faith:<P>OK, now we have sort of conflicting opinions here from STL, whom I revere as a deity around here. I think this is a portion of Plan A that I have problems implementing myself... I sometimes feel that I have been a little too aloof and have not voiced questions or feelings... I start fearing that I am enabling... but I don't overdo it the second I start feeling this way. I wait for my chance and then remind her of my feelings or submit new ones in a non-LB'ing way... This seems to work, but only you can know when those appropriate moments are. So I agree with STL's methodology... I just don't know if this Monday is the right time...<P>I personally do it when I am feeling my best, my most confident. Like when you've set a Plan A goal for yourself and then accomplished it. Is Monday the time? If you think he's really expecting something, I say surprise him with nothing.<P>zen

STL, thanks for responding. I always look forward to your wisdom. <P>Perhaps I can bring up my concerns gently - with "I" statements. You've been talking a lot about "I" and "you" statements lately and it's really got my attention - something I need to work on. I don't know though. I tread this path ("serious topics") very gently sometimes, and as soon as I see a little defensiveness going up, I back off. He's a very good actor, and very good at lying. So I don't know if I can get truth from him anyway. He truly has moose-brain worms. It hurts me so much to see him this way. He's such a good man. I just KNOW he'll come out of this. The last time I brought up the counseling, I just said, "I guess you'll let me know when you're ready to go back to [counselor]." long pause.... "yes, I'll let you know." hmmph. so I'm scared to bring ANYTHING up. That was this past Tuesday.<P>I will think some more between now and Monday. I really might be better off to not bring anything up. I will have some thoughts prepared in case HE opens the door, or in case I see a really good oppurtunity.<P>It's so good to get feedback and different perspectives here. I'm so thankful for each of you!!!

aftershock,<BR>Yes. He is doing whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be married - just wants to play and be out there making his own decisions. Wish I could just run away too! Gee, I was thinking today as I was doing yardwork and stuff - can I jsut run away from responsibility too? No fair!<P>secrets: He is either still in a PA (I know they still talk - EA), or he just doesn't want me to know his business. He doesn't want me to be his mom or do his thinking for him or anything like that. If that's truly how I've treated him - or how he perceives the way I treated him, I'm definitely showing him I'm growing and changing if I don't push him to "tell me everything".