This is likely to be long since it's been so long since I posted. My basic question is whether I need to do a formal Plan B letter.<P>My H has decided that he wants to come home and work on our marriage. He has talked to my 2 step-children that are living with him, they have planned bedrooms, what to do furniture, etc. He has apologized to me repeatedly, cried, really seems to understand how difficult this has been. He has not yet done the questionnaires, but is obviously making an effort to meet my needs that he is aware of. He is being affectionate, telling me he loves me every day, being accountable for his time, etc. He has re-engaged with our 2 younger children in a way that I haven't seen in years.<P>He has told me that he wants to end it with OW- they are not seeing each other, but still having phone conversations. He has voluntarily told me that he knows they can't be friends, can never communicate again. He feels the need to cut contact with all of her friends and acquaintances- totally separate himself from anyone and anything that has to do with her. The problem is... he says that he just hasn't been able to bring himself to end it yet- wants to, knows he has to and will, wants to do it in his own way. Last night, we had a difficult conversation. He is a classic conflict avoider and I know he is feeling guilty about her- she is now divorced with 2 kids that are very angry and hurt, she is working after many years of being a stay-at-home mom, not making enough money to support herself. Her ExH hates her right now, he will not see either of the kids, oldest daughter (17) is not only very angry at her Dad, but now her Mom too. They are a very religious family and 17 year old knows about the A and has serious issues with how her Mom could commit adultry. OW did all this so she could have a life with my H.<P>OK- back to our conversation last night- I basically told him the Plan B stuff, and we agreed to not communicate until he breaks it off with her. He was obviously upset- he actually left me hanging on the phone while he threw up. He apologized over and over for how difficult this is. When I told him just to decide when he wanted to see the kids next week, he said, I don't want to make arrangements to see my kids anymore- I want to come home to them and you everyday. I told I want that too, but until his other situation is fixed, it is just too painful for me. He said he understood. He asked me if I would be OK with no communication and told me it wouldn't be a matter of weeks or months, but days. He said that he has been enjoying our everyday interaction and seeing the kids every day so much that it actually made it easier to put off ending his other relationship for good.<P>We have been separated for almost a year, but during that time, we have had almost daily communication and have seen each other several times a week. Week before last, I took the little kids to the beach for 5 days and missed his call for first 2 days. He was extremely anxious when we did talk, told me he gets a very strange urge to talk to me, to hear my voice, and until that happens, he can think of nothing else.<P>So, do I need a Plan B letter? He has accused me of being too "formal" in the past, which is a LB to him. I believe he knows everything that I would want to say in a letter. Or, should I give him a few days, see if it happens or if he sticks to the Plan B plan without one and then write one if necessary?<P>I should note that while he does seem sincere and I am definitely seeing behaviors and hearing things from him that have been missing for a couple of years, I still have those nagging thoughts and doubts about whether he will really end it with her. I keep reminding myself that he is talking about this with the kids and his friends and co-workers, not just me- so surely he's not just telling me this so he can continue with the status quo?

Cloudy - well, let's see, do you NEED a Plan B letter? Maybe not, but it might be wise to get one ready.<P>You've verbally communicated the concept, so a letter would really only reinforce what you've already said. Thus, a letter can't hurt if you're really able to stick to your guns.<P>But, please consider that HE'S the one who should be writing a letter - a no contact letter to OW. Since he's reluctant to do this, write a draft for him.<P>Has he read SAA? It seems he's willing to work now, so you may make some headway in the education department - always a no-no until the WS is in the receive mode.<P>I think you're in the driver's seat now. The counterintuitive part for you is that YOU have to validate HIS feelings. Show compassion to HIM that you know it's hard to break it off.<P>Hope you get some insight from some former WSs.<P>Also, consider a session with Steve or Jennifer. You both will need counseling anyway, I bet, to make the recovery stick.<P>WAT

Just moving up for further feedback. I kind of have 2 threads going at the same time. Here is our latest conversation (copied from other thread):<P>H has a friends truck here that he is working on. When we had our conversation yesterday, we decided that he would finish that job today. This morning, I took the trash out and he was here- outside. He told me that he didn't want to get into a long conversation right then, but he had a "talk" last night and he expected no more phone calls from her. Said he wanted to tell me about it, but was having difficulty staying motivated to finish the truck. Asked if I would be OK to wait a couple of hours. I told him that would be fine- asked if he was OK- he said better than he has been in a while.<P>So, still haven't finished that conversation, but maybe Plan B won't be necessary. I'll still work on my letter just in case.<P>

With all that is going on, I personally believe that it isn't the right time for Plan B. If this were to continue for some time, and he was still waffling, then I would do it. But just based on what I've read from you, I think you are so close to him coming back and taking the necessary steps, and you've waited this long....that I'd just hold off and see what happens.<P>But I agree with WAT...do up a letter and have it ready in case this seems to start dragging on. It sounds like in your case, a Plan B might quickly snap him out of indecision....but I'd just give it a bit of time.<P>Then one might ask, if it would snap him out of it, why not do it. It just seems like alot has changed in his mind recently, so why not give it a bit of time to continue like that. Just my opinion. But do the letter anyway....it feels better to be prepared.<P>Good luck Cloudy.