Here's my story<BR>:<BR>H and I met 12 years ago. We lived together for five years before getting married, and we have been married for almost five years. H moved out in April 1999 because he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. We do not have children. He stayed in contact with me for two years - came over for dinner, played on the same softball team, went for long walks and talked about our relationship, did things with our families together and pretended to the outside world that our relationship was fine. (I am in counseling now to see why I would allow this to go on for so long.)<P>H moved back in April 27th of this year. He did not tell me he was moving back. My parents were visiting, so I thought we were just keeping up appearances. Then his clothes showed up, but we still never discussed any parameters for our relationship. I think we were both terrified to bring anything up. I thought the next few weeks were wonderful. He says now that he thought things were not so good. <P>He started disappearing on weekends for "business trips". Then he got visibly depressed and said he needed time apart to think. I confronted him with A when he returned, he confessed, and then he continued to leave every weekend to stay with her. As I see from everyone's posts here, this is very typical when they are addicted to the A. <P>However, this last time he has been gone for 10 days. (He left the day after he agreed to marriage counseling.) I sent him an email telling him I love him very much, but I cannot be the only one working on the relationship. He did not respond. This is the first time he is not trying to keep one foot in the door. It has given me time to think about what I want. I am so close to wanting to move on without him. In the past, my H showed up or called or left a note which giving me hope and I would feel like it might work. Now with no contact by him, I wonder why I am still hanging on. I ponder the Plan A/Plan B ideas and I feel that I did Plan A for two years. We got along better during the separation than we had in a long time. Now I am faced with Plan B, but something is holding me back. Plan B might bring him back to me, and I do not know if that is what I want now. I am beginning to think I may be better off without him. My therapist has pointed out that even if my H returns, I still have to face his drug and alcohol dependencies. I have chosen to overlook those problems over the years, but they have been there the entire relationship. I have always felt the need to help him, and I do not think that is healthy for me. (or H)<P>I am facing the facts now - my relationship has never been solid. There were periods that were wonderful, but the consistency was not there. My H needs to work on himself before he can give to a relationship. Hopefully, I am becoming a whole person again by looking at why I couldn't confront things earlier. Maybe if I had, I would have saved us earlier. Now I am seriously thinking it is too late.

Speaking from experience, your H needs to be sober before you can make any real progress on your marriage.<P>The erratic behavior, inability to commit and the A are probably all symptoms of his alcohol/drug dependence. <P>As I am sure you are expereincing, the addiction can drag you down with it. I would say go to Plan B. Preserve yourself and what love you have left for him. He comes back after he gets sober and there is no contact at all with OW. My guess is that he is with OW because she tolerates or participates in his lifestyle.

Everron, <P>I feel for where you are at right now. In so much as what you are going through can be very difficult, it can be simplified. (I hope I dont offend anyone here with what I am about to say..you all know me. I am not a cold calloused person, but have something to add here.)<P>I think you need to sit down and do a couple of things that arent very difficult. First off, in some ways what I am about to say is the most difficult thing to ever do. Go with your gut instinct. Most of us spend so much time thinking and over analyzing things, that we seldom listen to what we are telling ourselves is the best thing to do. Clear your mind of the memories, what everyone else thinks, says, feels, and does where your marriage and H are concerned. (I am not advocating being selfish to not think of others, but sometimes in terms of what is best for us, we put everyone else ahead of ourselves.)<P>Sit down and take an inventory of everything right and wrong in the marriage, A excluded. Including the A in the inventory, muddies the waters since it is the most prevalent thought right now. Look at all aspects...careers, families, recreation, vacations, finances, emotional support...everything you can think of. Look at the positives and negatives. Throw out the very worst and the very best things on the list...they are the extremes. <P>Now, ask yourself a few questions....<BR>Do I like who I am with this person?<BR>Does this person allow me to be who I really am?<BR>Does this person need me to change who I am in order for them to be happy? <BR>Can I reach my peak level as a person with them in my life?<BR>Do they make me a better person by being in this marriage?<BR>Would my life be better, the same, or worse without them in it?<P>Sometimes, putting things in writing helps to see what our thoughts cloud over. Sometimes there is more right (or wrong) in the relationship than we ever realized with the everyday pressures on us. <P>Take some time Everron. Do some research on you, H, and the marriage. I know some of this isnt MB principles, just my experiences. I hope it helps a lil bit. You have every right, considering what has transpired to have the feelings you have. No matter what you do, you will be backed and supported!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Cleopatra - <BR>Thanks for your post. I have found evidence that OW participates in his addiction. Over the past two years, while we were separated, he would always be sober when he came over. I thought he was making progress in that area. But when he moved back in, there were a few instances that made me uncomfortable, and that was during the short period of about five weeks. I agree with you that he must work on that area of his life in order for us to have a lasting relationship. He mentioned in one of our long talks that he thinks I am no fun and that I never drink or smoke pot with him. Even though he tried to take it back a few days later, right then, I knew we still had major problems aside from the affair. <P>Trueheart-<BR>Thank you for your honesty. While I do believe in the basic ideas here, I am trying to look at my specific situation and find how I will be happy. You are right about how I have looked at things in the past and rationalized all of the details. I have spent so much time trying to figure out what will make my H happy, that I have forgotten about me. For weeks, I would start my sentences with, well my H is depressed, or how will his family or mine take this, or H did that because, etc...I made excuses for everything and worried about everyone else involved. Now I am focusing more on me. I will be thinking about the questions you posed in the coming days. Thanks again - I need all the honesty I can get!<BR>