Thanks in advance to all those who respond!!!!!!!!!!<BR>Especially Karen, WAT, Zen, Faith 1, STL and GM sorry if I left anyone out!<P>Wife just left, she came over to see our dog and "do laundry", I often wonder if that is the case. Anyway she started to talk some about things, not the 'A' but about us. I told her that I really missed her and that I loved her very much. I told her that I have made some changes and just desire to have the oppprotunity to show her. This is what I need help on...........She said that she does not think of me as a husband and lover right now only a friend. She also said that she wasn't sure if this was a defense mechanism or that she just wasn't allowing herself to think of me anymore than a friend. <P>What in the world in she saying here? This is mixed up and I just want to know if anyone can tell me what this really means.<P>We went to dinner and talked and laughed had a good overall time. She said that she is still unsure how this will turn out. I asked her about the apt. and she confirmed that she will get one. I then asked her what would happen if we reconciled? She said that when she moved out she would need to find a roommate in her place. <P>Does this mean that she has thought about that and is it a good sign?<P>The last thing is about her ring..I took mine off for one day, the day after d-day b/c I was so torn. My W took her engagement ring off first which lasted two weeks then went ahead and took her wedding band off after that. During the time she was not wearing her engagement ring, I took it and put it away, but just tonight I told her that I had it and that I would feel more comfotable if she had it back. She asked me why now and I said I don't know, but I felt like it was safer with her than in my cabinet. She accepted and I put it on her right hand ring finger. Now whether she wears it or not is another thing. The reason is b/c the center stone was the stone my deceased father gave my mother 30 years ago making it an heirloom. She knows this history and a part of me thinks that she would not accept this if her intentions were not good. <P>Is this a good sign that she took it back? <P><BR>

gdc,<P>Take a deep breath!!! Relax!!!<BR>You cannot, I repeat, cannot keep reading every little thing that goes on with her! You are gonna drive yourself crazy, and her away!!<P>You need to slow down and be calm! You want answers, answers, answers and you want them NOW!! This is a long process, with highs and lows by the day, hour, and even minute!!<P>Yes, they are all signs....but of what we do not know? All you can do is put the principles by the MB forum into practice and hope for the best. If I had to venture a guess, the reason she cannot think of you as more than a friend right now is that it hurts. She is dealing with her emotions, OM saying things, guilt, you saying and wanting things, you hoping, you wanting answers, OM wanting answers, she wanting answers....YES she is mixed up. You try to rush things, and she will be more mixed for awhile, and then begin to resent your pushing. Slow down!! Give her room and time to breath and think. <P>Enjoy the time you have right now. Expect nothing, ask for nothing....Just enjoy the fact that you can spend time together. Read the other posts in here of BS that would love to be able to go to dinner with the WS. You are not in a bad spot right now, considering!!<P>She is still attached to you in her heart, but chooses not to speak about it or react to it right now. Give her the space, under Plan A, to bring her back that way. You get further by giving her what she needs, than pushing for what you want right now. Take it slowwwwww!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Trueheart,<P>Thanks I really needed that! I feel like she is starting to come around me a little more but I'm not sure. She said she even may come by tommarrow night to burn a CD for her spinning class and see the dog. It feels so good to have her around and then she leaves just like that. Gone with the wind. Plan A is tough and I'm trying my best to stick to it but there are times when I just want to give her a big hug and wake up from my nightmare. Unfortunatly, it is reality. I feel like things are going so slow and she hasn't even admitted the A yet. That will be a whole new set of problems. What if she says she wants to reconcile, do I even bring the A up? As for the OM, I'm not sure what he is telling her, I would hope that he is worried about me telling his wife or worse showing her my evidence. Do you think that he would still be telling her stuff if he's worried about me telling his W?<P>Thanks,<BR>GC

gdc,<BR>Unfortunately, I feel just like you today. So at least, feel like you are not alone. My H acts and says the SAME way your W is acting, so maybe that really will provide you a little peace. I like what Trueheart says. I believe that is very good advice. Yes, it is a good sign that she took it back, if only to prove you are still in her heart and she cares about your feelings. I take good signs like that anyday over the mean, cruel, cold, things they say sometimes that make you wonder if they hate us.<P>Hang in there! You're doing great. Keep plan A'ing - even when she moves out.

That which we pursue runs farther away!! If I were you, STOP CHASING!!! If you pull back a little, I think you will be surprised that she will start coming around more. If you start getting on with your life, going out with friends and doing fun things for yourself, she will start wanting to be part of those plans. Strange...but true!! <BR>Book recommendation: "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It explains this phenomina very well!<BR>A clingy, needy spouse is NOT attractive!! Is that how you were when your wife fell in love with you...probably not! Become that person that she fell in love with in the beginning! She will notice again...I promise!! <BR>june

I will agree with the last post. Every time I went on a trip to visit friends, my WS was suddenly interested again. He would pick me up at the airport, make dinner for me, compliment me. But on the flip side, I will also agree with TH, you cannot over analyze everything. My H agreed to counseling 10 days ago, and I haven't seen him since. Every day I would wake up and say to myself- is this a good day based on what had happened the day before with my H. You cannot live happily in that state for very long. Continue to make yourself happy. Everything else will fall into place!

Thanks TH, Faith1, June and Everron,<BR>My delima is that in the beginning I wasn't clingy but I certainly didn't play the 'hard to get' game and neither did she, we just both kind of knew. She repeating theme of anything she says is that she felt like she was always the one giving love and I wasn't. In a way, it seems like when we talk more and more, things get better. Can this happen?<BR>Faith 1, you said your H acts like this also. Do you pull back some? and if so when? I feel like if I pull back, she will think I'm going back to the same old person who did not show her love. Any insight on this??<P>Thanks, GC

ditto trueheart<P>They don't call this a roller coaster for nuthin. Twists and turns, ups and downs. Trying to analyze your W minute-by-minute is like trying to work the stock market the same way. You can't react to every current in the river. Enough metaphors?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gdc:<BR><B>She said that she does not think of me as a husband and lover right now only a friend. She also said that she wasn't sure if this was a defense mechanism or that she just wasn't allowing herself to think of me anymore than a friend. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This may be as honest a statement as she can make right now, so take it for what it's worth. The expectation you should have is that next time, she may same something completely different. A good posture is to assume EVERYTHING is a lie.<P>Remember, you cannot rearrange the letters in "infidelity" to spell "honesty."<P>See my post on Just Found Out, WAT's Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses. Refer to Rule 1: You are not dealing with a rational person.<P>WAT

Thanks WAT, you are right. and the funny thing is she thinks I'm the irrational person. I guess I was in the beginning hiring the lawyer, following her and critizing her for the A. But I have really calmed down since then thanks to MB and everyone here. I feel that Plan A is kinda starting to work a little. I did ask her about her getting the apt. and she is getting it. That gives me the blues. I asked her what would happen if we reconcile and she said she would have to find Julie (the divorced friend/new roomate) another roommate. I guesss that she has at least thought about that senario. I have to take it as a good sign just to get me through the day. When will<BR>this ride end? It's been just over one month for me now and I still find it so hard to concentrate on anything other than my marriage (not a bad thing) but my work is suffering, exercise and other parts of my life. I've also noticed that I find it very hard to go out with all of our old mutual friends b/c they remind me of her.<P>What to think?<P>GC