I'm sorry everyone. I've been pretty positive lately, but I have the Sunday night blues and just need to vent a little. If anyone has any words of encouragement, I could use them. I hate to be so needy - I know that writing in my journal, and praying and reading is what I need to do to pick myself up.<P>Weekends are the worst time for me. My H seems to just drop off the face of the earth on weekends. I don't hear a word from him. I usually hear from him about once every day - somtimes every other day. <P>I'm so sad today. I saw Pearl Harbor and I cried the whole movie. It'a a good movie, but the love story and the whole war thing just got me down I guess.<P>So, in addition to weekends sucking my H into a black hole, of course, it's back to work tomorrow, too. yuck. I have such a hard time concentrating at work ever since D-day. <P>I'm so sad about my H. I really thought he would've snapped out of this by now. In 11 years together (married 7), he's always been so thoughtful and committed - he's always said we'd always be together. We've been trying to get pregnant up until he left and had the A. He's always been close to God and had strong moral beliefs. It just blows me away that he would do this, so I had hoped he would wake up by now. He says the most hurtful things - the typical: not "in love", marrying me was a mistake, been unhappy for 2 years, I'm not the same person he married, etc.... I never know if he's lurking or not, but anyway.... here goes.... he battled cancer for 2 years, and I was right there by his side helping him and taking care of him. I kept us floating financially for the first few years of our marriage. I've taken care of all the bills, taxes, etc, and my family has helped us and supported us all these years. I feel like I invested so much in our marriage (believed in him, the stuff I just mentioned, etc.), and now he's financially successful, beat cancer, and found himself a new woman, and doesn't need me anymore.<P>I'm so disgusted thinking of him having sex with someone else. Whether he's still doing it or not. He was my first and only. The thoughts won't leave me alone.<P>I'm so sorry to vent, and you may not can tell me anything. I just feel so angry at him today, and wish he would wake up. Do vows mean nothing to him? I'm so scared that he will never wake up - that he just doesn't love me anymore.

I'm sorry about your day. Mine started out really badly but I feel a lot better now. I don't have words to make it better, but please hang in there. <P>I'm only 12 days into the separation and I guess I'm moving things into Plan B. I just can't do the Plan A stuff. I'm sorry but I will not lose myself for someone that lies to me and her own family. I love her family and her father is taking her affair and our separation really badly. She doesn't seem to care. In the end the already strained relationship between her and her family is going to break. Then she'll have no one but the other man, and how long with that last once she's hurt everyone who cares.<P>I'm not even mad after finding out she stayed the night with the other man. I guess its her life to ruin, who am I to stand in her way. I MAY be there when her life falls apart or I may NOT. I don't know right now.<P>Just hang in there. May the good days be many and spent well and the bad days leave quickly.<P>

Hi Faith1!<P>It is fine to vent. I never know when I am going to feel angry, sad, or alone. It sneaks up on me just when I think I am doing better. <P>We have some similarities in our relationships- I have been with my H for twelve years total with no children. I too am afraid I may not have any. (from your other post) My H also disappears on weekends and now has disappeared for 10 days. <P>But I want you to know that there is a big difference in our stories. From your post, I see that you had a wonderful marriage for years. There is a strong base and connection between the two of you. Your H is lost right now, but he will never be able to forget all you've done for him. Sometimes people go through something like a serious illness or a death in the family, and they have trouble getting back on track. Is your husband depressed? My H says that he cries all the time and has for two years. But he refuses to get outside help. He'd prefer to "self medicate" and be self-destructive. He has alot of issues with his family, but he hasn't admitted that he is lost yet. Unfortunately, I cannot continue to keep him up in life. When I read your post, it sounds like you have something worth saving. Are you in counseling now?<P>Just want you to know we're listening. Keep venting!!!!

Thank you both for your responses. I'm sitting here crying because it feels so good to be understood and cared for.<P>Thank you sbt. I am sorry for your situation as well. I will hang in. You too, ok?<P>Everron, yes, I have such strong ties with my H because we have been through so much - that's why I figured an A would never rip us apart. And my H does have a lot to deal with. His Dad ripped his family apart in this same way when my H was little, so I thought even MORE that he would never repeat what his Dad did. He's not depressed - unless he is suppressing it. He's a very good actor and liar. Thank you for pointing out that we have many bonds that hopefully my H will hold onto in his heart. Not in counseling. We were, but 3 weeks ago, the counselor told H he needs to sever relationship with OW and commit to me before coming back. H is still "deciding what he wants". H can't let go of OW. I am sorry for your situation as well. SOmetimes I look at mine and think, "well, we don't have kids, why am I holding on? Just let him go." but I can't. I love him so much. I hope your H will seek help and see what a wonderful, strong, caring W you are.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith1:<BR><B>His Dad ripped his family apart in this same way when my H was little, so I thought even MORE that he would never repeat what his Dad did.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Is this a joke that people play? When we were first starting to go out my wife made a point of saying that her last two boyfriends had treated her really badly(one broke her arm) and had both cheated on her and how truly terrible that made her feel. I thought that she would NEVER inflict that same pain on me. I felt almost lucky to have found someone like that. My girlfriend before my wife also cheated on me, and I made it known how much that hurt me. This was before we were married and we held each other and cried about these revelations.<P>Now something in her mind has flipped that allows her to think that this is alright. Weird isn't it. People DON'T learn anything.<P>I will hang in there if you do!<P>

Hi Faith just wanted to let you know I'm here and I'm sorry you're feeling so blue tonight. I know how hard that is, we've all been there before. I agree with Everron it does sound as though your M has a strong foundation. I know it's hard sometimes to come to terms that our WS's could actually do some of things that they are doing these days. I always thought my H and I had the same morals to. Married nearly 12 yrs. (together 16) At times he says such cruel things to me and I sometimes truly believe he has been abducted by aliens! Hang in there Faith. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.<BR>Cybil

My prayer's are with you and your H. I hope your love is strong enough to bring you both back together. He sounds confused, so kill him with love and kindness. My H is great because I had the A and he is still hanging in there. I hope you have the streghth to hang in there.Vent alot. You have a right to feel as you do. Good luck and I will prayer for you both. s.

THank you all for your support. I'm feeling better today, and even better now reading our replies.<P>sbt, sadly, yes it seems to be true... (hey, that is your name isn't it?? ) I asked my Aunt one time, after she had been in real estate for about 6 months - what had she learned most about people. SHe said that "people lie" - in a joking sort of way. But they come to her and tell her what they want and don't want in a house - like they will ABSOLUTELY NOT buy a house with such-n-such (brick, swimmng pool, gas stove or whatever...), and then they end up doing it anyway. How many people do we know say "I will never do such-n-such" or "I will never be like my Mom", and they do anyway. WE do anyway. I guess we all do it. We're all human, but it is sad when we do it in such serious matters as wedding vows. <P>The purpose of vows is suppose to keep us committed to a relationship, even if the feelings die, or a better model appears to come along. We should be able to count on the vows - or else why would we have kids and buy houses together without knowing if the relationship will last or not? I heard a quote that "Character is staying committed to something, long after the emotion is gone". Yes, that is what marriage should be. No, we shouldn't remain "TRAPPED" in a loveless marriage, but we should make steps to fix what is wrong. You get rid of the "loveless" part of it, not the "marriage" part of it.<P>And of course.... that is why we are all here at MB. Yay for us for trying to save our marraiges!!!<P>Sorry for the rambling... I'll get off my soap-box now.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 30, 2001).]

Faith1, I feel the exact same way. Weekends are the worst for me. I don't want to be around any mutual friends b/c the remind me of W. So like you I just get the SWB's (Super Whopping Blues) Faith, please hang in there, you have given me so much encouragement and I feel like we are in similiar situations. Be strong and pray! When I get down, I always try to read some scripture and it helps. I also pray like crazy and it's so funny b/c God answers in some way or another. Like I may get a phone message from W or email from her and my day gets better b/c of that. Hang in there, you have alot of friends thinking and praying for you!<P>GC

Faith1:<P>You vent all you want, if it helps and it does sometimes. You don't have to feel needy, your just human and hurting. It's normal to have these feelings. <P>You had replied to a post I wrote previously. I meant to write back to you, but haven't brought myself to do it until now. Sorry, I've been in the dumps myself. Anyway, in that post you wrote that my situation sounded alot like yours. I do see some similarities and some differences. I can sympathies with what your going through. <P>The weekends are worse for me too. Not because I hear from H, but because he used to be here with me. It's like his ghost remains in this house. Everything is a reminder of the loneliness.<P>You wrote that your H has always been close to God and had strong moral beliefs. Put him in God's hands, this is bigger than we can handle. I have a site I'm sending to you. Someone I met on the Internet referred this book. This friend told me she has seen many marriages saved, using the information in the book. I have seen is mentioned on MB also. The book is "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson, Ph.D. Go and read this letter.<P><A HREF="http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Dobson</A><P>I too, as many, have heard the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". I heard Dr. Laura one day describe her view on "love" and "commitment". She said people get these two confused as one, but they are two different things. She said that "love" goes up and down, in peaks and valleys. When it's down in the valley, it's the commitment that carries the marriage through. Than she said it reminded her of the Simon & Garfunkel song "A Bridge Over Troubled Waters". When the "love" in down...it's the commitment that carries us over the "Bridge Over Troubled Waters". But, some that think of it as "one in the same", and just bail out. This is what I feel my H has done.<P>I think with my H, he build things up, instead of sitting down and discussing the issues that bothered him, he just bailed out. This was easier for him than confronting the issues and working on them. He even admitted this to me once. He had met OW and that provoked his way out. I'm sure he still carried HIS issues with him. I also think, for him, it is also a mid-life crisis. <P>I've also heard the hurtful things being said, seems par for the course. That is when he was talking to me. IMO the hurtful words were said out of "anger". The anger is because he is hurting inside...and lashing out in anger. When looking at it in this perspective, I do not take his nasty words personally. This relieves me of accepting HIS "anger"(hurt) upon myself, because it is his. If that makes sense. I feel it's all the turmoil he is going through inside of himself that he has to deal with. Maybe his way of pushing me away, putting it on me so he doesn't feel as guilty. His way of rationalizing his actions.<P>I also stayed by H's side during his times of illness. Actually, he has a chronic incurable disease. This was discovered, when he almost died and would have if I hadn't forced him and taken him for emergency surgery. MIL says if it wasn't for me, no doubt in her mind, he wouldn't be here today. I credit God for putting me here for him. I stayed at the hospital with him, only came home to change clothes. From that time, until he left, I nursed him when he was sick. He was doing rather well before he left. He has gotten progressively worse, since he's moved out. The stress of what he is doing, makes his illness worse. He, surprisingly, called me in Jan. telling me he had been in the hospital again. He said it was bad, he had thought he was going to die. He also said they told him he needed surgery again. I thought this was a wakeup call, but he hasn't woken up yet. H told me once, after he left, I felt you were my mother. Wonder if he wished his mother was there to take care of him during his sickness. It was odd that he called me. He did admit to me once that OW doesn't take care of him when he is sick. <P>Now some positives aspects. Your H hasn't been gone for long. I know it seems like forever. My H left 1 yr and 11 days ago, is still with OW. You still have contact with your H. Mine is no contact, his decision. You have found MB earlier on, so you have information and support to help you. I didn't have a clue, didn't find MB until 9 months after he moved out. I'm sure I LB'd alot, because I didn't know any better. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I have a tendency to compare situations. Although, A situations may vary, we are all still in the same boat. I'm trying to encourage you, in that you have something to work with...saving your marriage. Sounds like you had a good marriage. The things you did, standing by him are still in his memory. You can still Plan A. Show him the wonderful person you are. Look good, if he sees you. Let him wonder about the positive changes he sees in you, reminding him of what he is missing. <P>When you are feeling down....do some little special things for YOU. Vent if you need to. It's tough, but so are you...hang in there.<P>Take Care and May God Bless<P><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited July 30, 2001).]

Thank you so much, Hurtwife! Yes, similar but different. THank you for sharing. Yes, my H says he let a lot of stuff build up - never wanted to confront the issues - and instead of believing they can be resolved, would rather bail out. thank you for your encouraging words. i wil re-read them. I will be seeing him tomorrow night to work on some finanacial stuff (taxes) so I am nervous, but prepared to be my best, and not expect any miracles either. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Faith1,<BR>I haven't got the answers to your current blues, but all of us on here share your current emotions and thoughts. I realise this doesn't help solve anything, but personally I find strength in knowing I am not the only one feeling this way, or my wife is the only one behaving in a way that she would not normally. <P>It's difficult but we must stay focused on the desired outcome we want, and take strength from some of the recent successes on this board, like GodlyMan, and hope our time is only just round the corner.<P>It's also helpful to talk about how you feel, and that's why I think this forum is such a success, its so easy to sit in a chair feeling sorry for yourself, it's far better to share a problem, or just read about how others are feeling / trying to solve their own issues.<P>Take care,<P>mands

We'll just keep praying that your husband comes back to his senses and to his right mind at home where he belongs. Remember that your faith is in God's Word and His promises, and not what is going on around you--that's called letting patience have her perfect work. So much victory can come out of your situation, just hold on to your faith in the One True God who is faithful to honor His word! Let Him fill you up while you wait for your home to be restored.<P>Harley's principles WORK, they are practical and biblical in nature. IMHO, it's all based on 1 Cor.13--the Love Walk... You can do this! All the seeds of God's fruit are planted inside of you!<P>On those lonely weekend nights, reach out to the Lord who is able to strengthen you with joy in knowing that His promises are yea, and amen! If the devil can't steal your joy, he cannot take your goods. I'm in agreement with you that your marriage belongs to God and He is able to protect that which belongs to Him.<P>When circumstances are pulling us apart from our mates, GOD is up there pushing us back together, no matter what it looks like in the natural. Keep the faith, faith1!! God works best in the most seemingly impossible situations. If we could do it on our own, God would be unnecessary. <P>We are all candidates for miracles here! And it's a good thing God is a God of miracles. Won't need them in heaven, now will we? Noooo! We need them now!!! Someone said, expect nothing and that's what we'll get, expect miracles, and that's what we'll get! Sounds good to me! What have we got to lose by letting God be God? What?! Our faith is not on the spot here, GOD is on the spot!<P>You are not alone because not only is God with you, He is in you. We are married in a closer relationship with God than we could ever be with a human. We need to remember this always. His peace belongs to you and the enemy has no right to try to steal it from you. God's peace is our most precious gift. Receive it and know that there are lots of folks out here praying for you, especially me.

Very well put, BINthereDUNthat<BR>

Thanks, BtDt! Your words are VERY encouraging and inspiring!<P>I missed everyone yesterday. I was busy most of the day, then GQII was down. I took that as a hint from Steve to get off-line and read. I read Love Busters last night, and I have renewed sense of energy and feel "armed and dangerous"! I ready to control my LB's! THe greatest thing about LB's, is they are true in EVERY relationship. So we can practice controlling them all day every day - whenever we are around people.