I've come to the conclusion that the situation takes two of us to fix it, but I'm getting mixed reads from my wife. Hopefully I can get some feedback as I'm to close [surprise] to the situation to trust my feelings at times.<P>Last Oct. I received an phone call [no name given, but I'm willing to bet it was the guy's child] that my wife of 20 years was having an affair. [the guy is married for 30].<P>I dealt with it for awhile and then to many things kept adding up and she said she could tell I was upset about something. Of course she denied it & said they were just friends.<P>Well I tried to believe it [and went through the guilt of "not helping around the house enough etc.".]<P>Didn't get better and things kept coming up, took a weekend together & told her I didn't care, just wanted the truth and we could work on it from there. Same story they were just good friends.<P>Well finally I tripped over some EM's that left no doubt, she left that night.<P>I kept working on it and she has now agreed to marriage counseling and that she want's to see if we can salvage anything.<P>The bottom line is that I still love her despite the problems [I'll admit that perhaps I lost sight of how much I loved her in the past and spent to much time on the PC etc.].<P>So am I going after a pipedream or not? [guess I should mention I have two kids that want her home as well].<P><BR>

Welcome. I am sorry your circumstance bring you here, but you are at the right place. Sounds to me like things are on the right track! Unless I read it wrong. Your W agrees to counseling, and you want the marriage... so yes. this is a great start. Have you read through the principles on the MB web-site? Read and learn as much as you can about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, and Plan A. YOu need to implement Plan A as soon as possible. Go to the Just Found Out forum, and look for the General Welcome post, and the Notable Posts/Threads post also. They have great info.<P>Basically, if you love your W, you can begin making some changes in yourself. Plan A is about learning your W's biggest needs (perhaps things she has complained about you not doing) and begin fulfilling them, learning what bugs her the most and avoid doing those. Tell your wife that you want things to work out and believe that they can.<P>There's great info here, and lots of posts by people going through the similar situations. Read and learn, and don't be afraid to post anytime.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

ditto Faith - if she's sincere about counseling, not a pipedream at all, but not a day at the beach, either.<P>Follow Faith's advice and get hot learning everything you can from this site. Please consider a counseling session with Steve Harley for your self to get an infidelity pro's perspective to compare with whatever counselor you choose. You may find that Steve is the better choice.<P>Give us a few more details - when did she leave, what's her living arrangement, do you have a separation document, do you know OM and family, etc.<P>WAT

I'm also sorry about your situation, but like Faith1 said, you have found the right place. Her advice is great and I would pay close attn. to her and some of the others. They have more experiance and that helps. I will pray for you and just start Plan Aing as hard as you can!<P>GC

Thanks for the reponses. Talking about it seems to help.<P>Found the EM's on 7-3, she still denied sending them at first [under her EM account] and then fell back on she didn't remember sending them. She left that night.<P>She left and went over to a house this guy own's/rents out or whatever. I tracked her down the next day but she didn't want to come home without talking to this guy. My daughter [18] went over latter that evening planning to talk to her about coming home but ended up getting mad about her lying to her. <P><BR>My son [13] had seen a couple of things IM's etc but didn't know how to tell me about it. He told my daughter who at one point asked my wife about it and was jumped pretty good about why doesn't anyone believe we are just really good friends.<P>No seperation document, still pretty raw with this whole deal and haven't gotten that far. Cancelled the joint credit cards and switch out the locks [the guy built our house and had a key to it]. I did give her a key to the new locks but had to deal with this being a sign I didn't want to work things out. Of course at 3 AM the morning of the 3rd I wasn't exactly in a normal frame of mind, and had hit Walmart for the hardware.<P>My wife came home on the 4th after her and my daughter got into it, discovered the locks changed [I was home on what I felt was a very slim chance she would show up] and ended up trying to down a bunch of pills from a car accident I was in last December. My daughter walked into the middle of that, luckly my son was over at a friends house for the night and still doesn't know about it.<P>We did know the other family, went to dinner and each other's houses. Our daughters were really good friends, haven't spoken since it happened.<P>She came over yesterday and we had a pretty normal conversation and she still plans on going tommorrow for the counseling. <P>Somehow she seem's lost with the whole thing, even seems to have trouble talking to our two kids. <P>She told me at one point she felt guilty about it and didn't know how I could ever trust her again. I told her that I could if she could look me in the eye and tell me that it was over for good between them. Not much of a response at that point, this was about 2 weeks ago.<P>Never thought I'd be dealing with something like this, some days I see some hope and others it just hurts.<P>

Red - other than the pill incident, the turmoil is good. This shows she has SOME sense at the moment.<P>Now is the time for you to be counterintuitive - show her LOTS of support and compassion. Validate her confusion. This doesn't mean you have to make her feel better about what she did - it will help if you support her for resolving the problem in a constructive way. Keep looking forwrd for the moment. Encourage recovery and rebuilding. Once she gets her feet back on the ground better, then you can look at the problems you both contributed in the past.<P>WAT

Well counseling session is tommorrow at 7 PM, wish me luck.<P>I've considered taking the Emotional Needs Questionnaire along, and after seeing how the counseling go's "perhaps" giving her a copy.<P>To pushy?<BR>

Well counseling certainly didn't go the way I had hoped. My wife said she wasn't ready for joint sessions yet. Reached the point I asked her flat out if it was over between us, she jumped back really quick with a no and the counselor jumped in with that wasn't what she was hearing eithier. We sat and talked for another 2 hours after the session and she's dropped in more often than in the past month.<P>She keeps telling me that she hasn't given up on us yet and wants to work out her other problems before moving on to us.<BR>I keep thinking that a large part of all this is the fact that we can't seem to work on 'our' problem together, I always seem to do most of the talking although she has started to open up a bit more the last few times so I guess that's a good thing.<P>Meanwhile I know she is still seeing the OM.<P>Some days I see hope and others I feel I'm just spinning in circles. I'm trying to be as supportive and patient as I can but this is just eating me up inside.<P>Have to wonder if I'm crazy to still be this much in love with her after all this.

red,<BR>I'm sorry your counseling didn't go as well as you hoped. You are not crazy for being in love with your wife! I never lost love for my H through all this either. <P>Yes, keep being patient. That is a big part of this process. <P>Suggestion: don't push her anymore about making decisions or working on the marriage. I know, sometimes we get into those conversations where it just leads that way, and we BS's really want some answers!!! I had a few of those too. But the quicker you can get away from them the better. They are foggy and can not get off the fence - if you push too hard they will fall on the wrong side. They will say things they don't mean "I want a divorce", and may start believing themselves if they hear themselves saying it, or they may tell lies " it's not about the OM, it's about me - I've got to figure myself out", etc.<P>Plan A will sometimes feel like you're spinning in circles, but has a VERY good chance of saving your marriage, and WILL make you a better, stronger person. Take full advantage of this time period in which your W seems to be willing to make some effort. Plan A like crazy!! Meet her most important needs (conversation? affection? family commitment?), and avoid LB's: judging, angry outbursts, and selfish demands, and work on becoming a better YOU.<P>Hang in there. Keep reading and posting.

Red Reaver,<BR>I think we all realise that our spouses say things that really they do not mean whilst they are in the fog, and its very hard not to take it all to heart.<P>I have taken strength from posts by WS who are now working on their marriages, and one thread in particular I took great strength from. I'm not sure how to create the link, but here are the details, you will just need to keep going back on this board (GQII) until you get to the article:<P>Title: Keep the faith<BR>Written by [H]<BR>Posted on: June 11th at 10.54pm<P>Another one is:<P>Title: Question for [H]<BR>Written by Sinking fast<BR>Posted on June 12th at 8.59am<P>I Have printed these off and have taken great strength from alot of what [H] has said. He by the way was a former wayward spouse who has come to this board to share his experiences, so that we may learn and benefit from them. He highlights that although all things are said by a WS, if you plan A, and leave open a window of opportunity for the WS, this does not go unnoticed.<P>You are not crazy to be this much in love, like all here you are commited to saving your marriage, and in the long run I'm sure your WS will appreciate your efforts, even if it doesn't seem like it at the minute.<P>Hope this helps, stay positive and focused.<P>mands

Okay need some advice here.<P>My wife went up to see her mother this weekend [let's just say her mother is an interesting person who is not well liked by her kids] and it turns out the OM drove her up there and was most likely introduced etc..<P>She called and told me she was coming back late [she was going to drop in tonight and tell me how it went up there as she is dealing with some issues from her father's death a couple of months ago], didn't mention the OM of course. Told me I "might" see her tommorrow night depending on how her therapy session goes.<P>Let's face it this hurts.. major. I keep trying to use plan A but I'm starting to feel like a doormat. She keeps telling me she hasn't given up on us etc.. Told her a couple of days ago that if feels like I'm the only one trying to fix this marriage/family and was told that wasn't true. But her actions seem to be the opposite of what she is telling me, is it really this possiable for someone to not know what they want with thier life? So the question is, should I just ignore this or toss it on the table and tell her how much it hurts.<P>I have seen the depression she is going through and I know [she told me] that she feels guilty about this whole thing, but she can't see to find her way back out of it. I've told her that I can forgive her since I haven't been the perfect husband [ie: I spent to much time on the PC, and at work etc..] but I still can't seem to break through.<P>You know this would be so much easier if I didn't still love her. My work been great [one of the few advantages of being salary is that when the s**t hits the fan you don't have to worry about the actually hours worked] and I can pretty much work what I want. My old boss dragged me out last night to the clubs etc. [seems he knows them well :-) ] in an attempt to cheer me up. Sadly, even though it wouldn't have been hard to get 'lucky' last night all I kept drifting back to was the fact that I wanted to be with my wife. [my two kids are up with my mom for the weekend before anyone thinks I bailed out on them]<P>It's been 1 month and 2 days since I found the EM's and everything hit the fan. Have to admit I'm very glad I found this site since otherwise I'd be dealing with this alone. Lot's of support from friends/family etc. but here there are a lot of us going through the same garbage and I guess you have to deal with something like this to really understand it. I know that if someone had asked me about the situtation I'm in now 10 years ago, or even 1, I would have said I would just dump her and move on. Sadly I'm willing to go through this hell to try and salvage this.<P><BR>Thanks for the ear, feeling a tad depressed myself tonight I'm afraid.<P>

I don't have any help for you.... but wanted to let you know I hear ya'. All I know is Plan A is the only way to go right now. I think there must be a way to let her know she is hurting you when she is in contact with the OM, but you can not obsess about it. Concentrate on filling her EN's. Talk about light, everyday subjects. Work, kids, family, etc.<P>I'm sure some more advice will come along. Hang in there. You're not alone.<P>edit: I'm back. I saw this post and thought it was sort of similar - yet different ??!! to your feelings in your current situation. You may have already read this one. It may have some advice in there you can apply to your situation. see what you think.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011274.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011274.html</A> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 05, 2001).]