I just wanted to start a thread listing some of the things that we BS's do after finding out. I'll start with me then her.<P>1. Hired attorney sent OM letter w/ lawsuit attached (LB)<BR>2. Accused W in a very mean and LB way (no admition of guilt)<BR>3. Found a relationship with God and started counseling<BR>4. My work started to suffer<BR>5. No eating lost 30 lbs.<BR>6. Didn't feel like going out with anybody especially mutual friends.<BR>7. Found MB and started Plan Aing<BR>8. Got on the coaster<P>WS<P>1. Got mad b/c of me confronting her<BR>2. Moved out and didn't talk to me for a week<BR>3. Said she needed time<BR>4. Started going to a counsleor<BR>5. Started talking to me again, wanted my evidence<BR>6. Told me she is getting apt. w/ a friend<BR>7. Seems as though she could sit on the fence forever.<BR>8. Says I push her away when I bring up the A<BR>9. Had dinner twice withen the last week.<BR>10. Been together more lately.<BR>11. Says her love for me has changed but that would be the case regardless of what is going on.<BR>12. Says regardless of her decisoin, we will be better people for it.<BR>13. Not sure of anything in life pertaining to me.<P>Thanks,<P>GC

me: Decided that this man was in pain, and wanted to help him ( my spouse)<BR> Started therapy for me.<BR> Listened to Spouse, really listened.<BR> realized my part in the breaking of his needs.<BR> Worked and work everyday to fill needs and love this man.<P>Him:<BR> Remorseful like I have never seen.<BR> Broke all contact with the OW<BR> EVERYDAY, he has and is meeting my needs, and has changed 300% in his attitudes and ideas.<BR> We hit recovery running and I do not see it stopping. <P> Sorry we had no lawyers, or plan B, We have read all the books and seemed to want it to work from D day on, and have without much of a glitch in the plans. I found this place and it is a great place to learn basic skills to keep your marriage great and both people satisfied.

GDC,<P>You and I and our wives must be reading from the same script. I have done almost everything you listed except sending a letter with the lawsuit and I lost 40 pounds not 30.<P>As for your wife's script - my W has said/done everything the same. Although she did tell me back in May that she was CONSIDERING reconciling (although she was still communicating with OM an average of 6 times a day). The end of June, I finally got pushed to my limit and told her that she either give him up or I was going to file for divorce. She agreed to give up OM. Although I suspect that they are still in communication, but not nearly at the same frequency. <P>I continue to be amazed at how similar everyone's situation is. Why is it that the WS behavior and the things that they do all seem to be almost the same? As an example, who here hasn't heard the "I love you but am not in love with you line"? <P>S&C

Sad and confused, I am one of the rare ones that has NEVER been told I love you but I am not in love with you. I am thankful for that.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by alexy:<BR><B>I am one of the rare ones that has NEVER been told I love you but I am not in love with you. I am thankful for that.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Same here, I am - also - extremely thankful. I never heard "I love 'OW' " either, for which I am eternally grateful.<P>Having said that, let me add that H moved OUT without so much as a word about ANYTHING, even to admitting to A, so in his mind, I DON'T KNOW about it (of course, I do), but we never had a "D-Day" a confrontation (in his "good-bye" letter which he left for me to find when I returned home from work that night, he admitted he didn't want a confrontation). The letter simply said, "I don't want to be married anymore. I have filed for divorce."<P>Now, I am left w/a dilemma....since we never had a "D-Day", I don't know how to PUSH the issue about OW & A....I mean, we HAVEN'T spoken. Period. There is no way to contact him! He BOUNCES my voice mails back to me UNopened. He wants NO CONTACT. Period. Very sad for me. 10 1/2 weeks and counting, folks....I'm running out of patience.<P>Just once I wish i would read a story similar to mine. Then I wouldn't feel QUITE as rejected!! <P>Lupolady<BR>

alexy I'm sorry that I am not familiar with your story so I have a few questions. Did H ever move out and if so for how long? Did he just wake up and realize he had made a big mistake? You say he has changed 300%. I'm just curious? I can only hope that my situation will have as wonderful an outcome as yours did. Good Luck to you!<BR>Cybil

Good list, gdc! Thanks! probably about the same for a lot of us. 30 pounds is right for me! No lawsuit and attorney for me, but substitute temper-tantrums in my case. <P>The list jsut gets longer the longer since D-Day... won't go into it.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I wasn't told "I love you but I am not in love with you" either. I was told "I love you but I don't get along with you." (Duh--that would have meant that he would have had to stop yelling at me once in a while.)<P>D-day for me was actually a long, drawn-out process that took several weeks. Meaning that I found out a little more each day until I finally had proof that they had had sex and that she had actually left her husband for mine. It was very easy to lie to me because I had always believed everything that he said, and I never had entertained a thought that he could be so deceptive (he always accused me of this flaw, in fact, when I have been truthful with him to a fault--I am a total open book and always say what's on my mind.)<P>What I did:<BR>1) I confronted him with the truth--and got yelled at for snooping<P>2) I begged him to discuss this with me--and got yelled at for harassing him<P>3) I ripped Miss Kitty a new one--I called her once just to politely ask for the truth, and was told "leave me alone, no, nothing happened." Afterwards, I found further evidence, and then I verbally abused her via e-mail. H tried to tell me what a horrid person I was for doing this, but I didn't care.<P>4) Found MB and tried Plan A--but this was a sign to him that he could just sweep this all under the rug and carry on with the same behavior<P>5) I then went home to mom--and was accused of abandoning him and taking our child away from him<P>What he did:<BR>1) started doing the club scene<BR>2) kept seeing other girls, mostly on internet, though<BR>3) all the aforementioned stuff. He did nothing wrong, according to him, or if he did, he had a good reason to because it was my fault.

Me-<P>talked to an attorney, started counseling again, lost ten pounds, confided in friends, started posting, looked at our finances (which I haven't done for years), mentally shut down at work, missed some appointments (I never do that!)<P>WH-<P>tried to make me promise I would make him happy and it would be worth it to leave OW, left every weekend for a month, wrote a note that said "i'm sorry" and appears to be gone (11 days so far) although he didn't bother to take all of his stuff<P>

GC<P>I fly down to help her drive home, against her wishes. OM lives 1200 miles away. I get no affection, OM gets an emphatic "I love you", this was when it was an EA(is third base an EA). this was after wifes second trip to "help a friend"<P>I lose 15 pounds<P>W home 10 days then decides she has to fly down and break off the relationship, I hesitantly allow her to with her in full agreement not to be anywhere alone with OM and to confront him outside his work and to give back the jewlery(I too had reckless trust-this was pre MB)<P>I meet her at the airport, she forgot to put her wedding ring back on-oops. She forgot to give back the jewlery-oops.<P>we go out to lunch- "we need to get a divorce" is the basic jist of that conversation<P>back at home-Just tell me you didn't have sex with him. WS"I can't exactlly say that, I can't talk any more."<P>very early the next morning I force out of her some gory details- wrong move- but she may be with child.<P>2 days later were in counceling <P>5 days later she drives off to think about things- of course she goes to see OM.<P>the next night I'm in counceling alone, he recomends MB<P>last three weeks she's gone, we talk a little, I'm tryin to plan A she still wants to leave me"You're a good man" has anyone ever been left for that reason before?<P>this is the longest roller coaster I've ever been on<P>today WS talks to her Mom and they have an ok fogese kind of conversation. though she was to call me later, she never did, if your following my saga.<P>it seems as if there are a lot of similarities between all of us. Why doesn't someone hand out HN/HN to all married couples? maybe it will be on the next bill coming out of D.C.<P>Thanks for another thread to let me vent a little<BR>knight?

Thanks to al those who have posted, can anyone see the common theme here? All BS's are bad people (not). I think that many WS's can't believe that after all we know about their A, we still have the Love to want to work it out. In some cases the WS wants this right away due to the extreme guilt they have experienced. Other's play the waiting game (aka waffle) to see if things work out with OP or if we, the BS changes. And still yet others, just want out period. Of everything I have read on here, most fall into the waffle category. Just last night my W told me that she knew her waiting was causing me pain, but she had to do it. Oh well, so much for the heart I thought she had when we were married. She has not even talked to her family about any of this, probably b/c I went to them first and they are for the most part siding w/ me. Is this an LB? Probably so, but I can't change it now. In fact she has said to me that her family (No divorce history anywhere) will not influence her decision. I told this to Steve and he said that is not true. She will weigh what they think into this b/c they are family. If they supported her she probably already would have filed seperation papers, but since they aren't that makes it more difficult.<P>And if we implement Plan A right, Steve said it was hard to divorce a nice guy that meet your needs. I guess we will see. I just wish for once in my life I could skip some time and get to the future where I know whta her decision is. This is changing my whole life as I write this. Sometimes I feel like quitting work and selling the house and moving away! That would really give me the blues, huh?<P>Had to vent some this morning, they are the toughest along with weekends and nights and every other day, hour, minute, second.<P>GC