I've mostly just been reading posts. Sad, lots of new stories, so much hurt. <P>I compare my circumstances to others, mine has gone on for so long. From what I see...I guess I should just give up. For some reason I can't. Maybe I'm just in denial? It's been 1 year and 11 days today, since WH left. WH is still with OW. NO contact with me. <P>Why am I putting myself through this? Why can't I just get over it and move on? Why can't I get it out of my head? I must be out of my mind? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I still care? Why do I worry about him? All these unanswered questions. Seems the weekends are worse. It's lonely without him, he was always here. So many reminders, so many memories. I know I need to take care of me and I try.<P>I see H's circumstances getting worse financially, and than there are the court hearings. It's all so out of control. He looked bad last month when I saw him in court. I know his chronic illness has to be worse. I know he can't be happy. <P>I just feel like I don't belong here anymore. Don't feel like I have any advice to offer, since my marriage situation is a failure. But, yet I keep coming back to MB. Still maybe a glimmer of hope. Sometimes I wonder if I even would want him back and have to deal with all the mess he has created? It's all so confusing.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<BR>Take Care.

Hurtwife,<P>It doesn't appear that you're really "done" with your marriage yet. God forbid that you get an actual chance at reconciliation---that'll be work! But until you've really lost the love you have for your husband, then the "plan B" suits your situation.<P>Do take care of yourself.

Dear HW,<P>You have been dealing with this for a while, yet you have been here for only a short time. Please allow your time here to have a chance to settle. The 3rd and 4th months here for me had me spinning. You can go back and read what I was going through between April and May. <P>Our situations are a bit different but the time spent here may show some similarities. There is a lot offered here and hard to digest at times. I ask for your patience. <P>K recommends you work with plan B. Learn about it as much as you can. Your heart will go out to your H. If you read Resilient's thread you will find that even after D, you can still have strong feelings for the WS. Hm..... never thought of that? I know I did not. But they still exist. <P>If you need to take a breather from here, ok. Spend some time for yourself. This is a benefit of plan B. Many stay away from plan B when that is just what they may need. A good plan A or B is helpful. <P>We have all been undergoing a lot here. Take some time for yourself. Your H, his health and his welfare is right now his issue. Patience needs to be your virtue to cultivate and sustain you until he allows you back in his life to help him. Find your areas of self improvement, work on them, make yourself the better person for all to see and appreciate. It is good for your soul. <P>Then if and when your comes around you will be in a better position and disposition to be availabe, if you choose to be. <P>Hope this helps. Talk to Steve or Jennifer also. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

K and Orchid have said so much... You are certainly welcome here! I replied to your beautiful reply on my "blues" post. It helps to have you here just to have someone to relate to - sometimes that is what we need. Sharing your perspectives is always good advice - I think - because it opens the mind of the person asking for help, presents them with different perspectives, and helps them make wiser decisions.<P>I do think, also, that to protect your love for your H, it may be time for Plan B. It doesn't mean giving up, but means a new level of tough love for your H. He doesn't contact you anyway, but your Plan B attitude may help you feel a more in control of your life. Take care of YOU - you are right about that. <P>hugggssssss<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

hurtwife,<P>We know how devastating this can be to your emotional health. You need us to talk to, unless you have a good friend that is going through the same thing, friends don't really understand.<P>We all find this site because we are hurting. This helps to ease our pain. <P>Please don't go yet, let's be friends. aftershock

Hurtwife:<P>I've followed you story and understand your disappointment that things are taking so long to be resolved...but each case is different...some just take longer to work themselves out...and you really do at some point just have to step back and let things work themselves out....and that is hard. But stepping back (Plan B) is necessary for some WS to realize their mistake....and it really might be a protective necessity for you....it could be the only way to maintain your love in the face of such obsurity as takes place during the fog.<P>I've been here a year, separated for over a year, but he would have been back for eight or nine months now if it had been left up to him....but having been through this experience (same OW) previously I know that this time for him to resolve his questions about where he wants to be is necessary...not easy on me or him but necessary. <P>I really have not needed Plan B to maintain my love...I have simply reached a place where I feel I have done all I can and the rest is up to him...my life goes on...either way. I think what has happened is all the anger has died and all that is left is acceptance of what is and hope for what could still be. And there is a kind of peace in that.<P><BR>Faye

Hurtwife,<BR>I know what you mean about feeling the time slip away and everything is still awful. From the start of my H's affair to our reconciliation was 26 months. He was out of the house 14 of those, though 5 months was the longest at any one time.<P>If you don't have contact, Plan B would seem to be the way for you. Or, don't contact him, but be polite if he were to contact you.<P>You don't have to decide right now about you future or giving up...but do things that you enjoy--workout, hike, see movies, develop a hobby, take classes. Your life is continuing, even if not in the way you would wish.<P>There was a point at about 21 months, where I thought my marriage would never work, in fact I served the D papers...I was wrong. My marriage does work. Clearing the mess isn't easy, but it can be done with time, love & patience--that is also something you don't have to worry about right now. <P>Somebody told a story awhile back, and said at 50 years of marriage, a couple years of trouble don't seem like much.<P>If you want to wait on your marriage, do so, without looking at the time passage. But balance it with taking care of yourself and being active.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

K:<P>I'm not sure if I'm done with the marriage...it certainly appears that H is. <P><B>God forbid that you get an actual chance at reconciliation---that'll be work!</B> <P>You got that one right...it would be like trying to solve the national debt.<P>Thanks.<P>

Orchid:<P>I'm back. Dealing with this awhile...yes, awhile too long it seems. <P>My feelings are for the person I thought I knew. It's all so confusing. Who can possibly figure what someone else thinks, especially a WH? H's actions suggest that his head is so far up his/Ow's A*S he appears to be suffocating. You know what happens when oxygen is cut off from the brain (DUH)!<P>Allows me back in his life....he'll be lucky if I allow him back in mine. This man is digging a hole so deep...I'd say he's got to be close to China by now. <P>Sorry, you can probably tell I'm in a mood tonight. Just venting. <P>Thanks for your input and support.<P>Take care.<P>

Hurtwife, I don't even know where to begin... I think<P>(((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know for a long time that was about all that got me through.<P>I've been separated for one year and a half... and I do not know this man... I have no idea where my H is. (I could go on and on about that and the bizaarness I have been living but wont')<P>A big part of letting go is LETTING GO!!!! You cannot do a thing about your H. I know that sometimes it takes a 2x4 to get that through to us BS, but it is so true. The only person you can actually affect (effect?) is you. As hard as it is, try to take some time off of worrying about your H and worry about you. <P>I know what you mean about how bad they look. My H is the same way. He looks awful and work is getting worse (and OW is there... and they have a baby who is now 6 months old that my kids just met, though they have not met her, nor do they know why thier dad left...just that he was confused and unhappy...)<P>THere is a wealth of information here on this site as well as wonderful support. I have read so many of the books that have been recommended on his forum that have helped me. I also am in counseling with a wonderful counselor. Are you able to go to a counselor?? because, though your friends and family want to help, an objective person is the best.<P>There are many days that I think "I can't believe this is happening... I can't believe this is my life" and then I think..."wait a minute...I define my life!!!"<P>It is very difficult to let them go, maintain our own boundaries and move forward....if not on... <P>Create some new memories for yourself.. When you hit a special day... try to do something different to take the sting out of it. <P>Keep telling yourself....if they look that bad and that unhappy...it is because they are.... (and it is NOT about YOU)<P>Do you have kids?? My H has recently become more involved with ours. I know that to keep any connection at all between us, I leave this avenue open... otherwise I would feel nothing at all for him.<P>I have all along sensed that he is lost. I know that if it were me, I would not want to "wake up" with not one person believing in me..... <p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited August 01, 2001).]

Hi Everyone:<P>I don't know who would win if we had a "Whose WH has Behaved the Craziest in the Fog?" contest but I know mine would probably be in the top ten. Having said that, believe me, the man I know today is far saner then the man I knew a year ago...although still far from the man I knew before the A. My point is that as unbelieveable as it seems now, given time these WH do come around...although not always on our time schedules.<P>So, for the sake of what may be in the future, don't cut your ties or burn your bridges with this man...keep a little piece of your love for him in your heart...enough to flame again if he wins his way back in. Do this by choosing to look beyond all the mean, hateful things he's doing right now and trying to remember the man he once was. That man is still inside there somewhere...hiding but still there. Meanwhile, like Tootrusting says, focus on yourself and try to let go. She's been through a lot (I think her WH might win the contest...crusader that he is) and she's still here. I can't even imagine having to deal with an OC in addition to infidelity.<P>There will be a lot of not so nice things that emerge from this muck but you can arise and walk forth, wiser and stronger for the experience...as unwanted as it may have been. I have....and I'm proud of myself for having not only survived but grown through it all. <P>I always think to myself "God must think a lot of me...because he's given me so many burdens...and he never gives us more then we can bear". You too, I think.<P><BR>Faye<BR> <P> <P>

HW:<P>The fact you still feel love says volumes. Your love bank is not drained. So there is time yet for a good Plan A or B (or both). K and Orchid and the others above have given you valuable advice and insights.<P>I would add this, though: you have and continue to contribute. This is a place for all to heal, individually and collectively. For myself, I am glad you are posting here.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Faith1:<P>Thank you...for your thoughts that my reply to your "blues" post was beautiful...I'm glad if I could spread a little ray of sunshine someone's way.<P>Yes, it does help to have people to relate to. Others just don't understand.<P>I'm trying to take care of me. I think one of my problems is that I've always been a giver...maybe too much. When my life has changed so drastically...I just feel lost.<P>Thanks for the hugs....<BR>(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))<BR>

after shock:<P>Devastating is right, not only to emotional but mental, and physical health. I come here because no one does understand, except people here going through similar situations. <P>Thanks to my friends here....I'm still trying to hang tough.<BR>

buffy:<P>I wrote a reply, but my computer locked up and lost before I could post it. I'm just now getting back.<P>I have stepped back, because this is all I can do at this point. As far as things working themselves out, I just don't see how? It appears to me that this has become a battle H and vicious OW against Me (the enemy). <P>H appears to have so much animosity towards me it's hard for me to even grasp why? It's been a 1 year going on 13 months, since he left. There is no contact, because H doesn't want any with me. <P><B>I don't know who would win if we had a "Whose WH has Behaved the Craziest in the Fog?" contest but I know mine would probably be in the top ten. Having said that, believe me, the man I know today is far saner then the man I knew a year ago...although still far from the man I knew before the A. My point is that as unbelievable as it seems now, given time these WH do come around...although not always on our time schedules.</B><P>I believe my would be right up there with yours and competing for top dog. If your is saner, that's a plus. My H seems to continue his insanity and it just gets worse. It is unbelievable to me, even given time, that my WH will come around. <P><B>So, for the sake of what may be in the future, don't cut your ties or burn your bridges with this man...keep a little piece of your love for him in your heart...enough to flame again if he wins his way back in.</B><P>I feel the ties have been cut already, by him. The bridges are burning with the court battles. I don't want it to be this way, but due to his actions and adverse behavior, it has come to this. <P><B>Do this by choosing to look beyond all the mean, hateful things he's doing right now and trying to remember the man he once was. That man is still inside there somewhere...hiding but still there.</B><P>I do look beyond the mean and hateful things. I actually feel sorry for him for the self-destructive things he is doing. I really think he has deep issues within himself he needs to deal with, beyond the A. I think he is a mixed up mess and needs help. I believe he has carried these problems throughout his life and continues to do so. The psychiatrist he went to, after he left, was concerned because he did go back. The Dr. was worried about his intermittent explosive behavior. The Dr. also had given him medication, because he said his thoughts were racing and he couldn't think straight (no doubt in my mind). We no longer have any health insurance, because H stopped paying it last year. This worries me, because he also has a chronic disease to live with and should be under a doctor's care for that. I realize I can't help him, at this point, only he can do that. <P><B>Meanwhile, like Tootrusting says, focus on yourself and try to let go. She's been through a lot (I think her WH might win the contest...crusader that he is) and she's still here. I can't even imagine having to deal with an OC in addition to infidelity.</B><P>I can't imagine having to deal with an OC either. I certainly hope this isn't the case in my H's situation. At our last court hearing OW was displaying herself to be pregnant. God forbid. She may have been just putting on for my supposed benefit, this is the type of person she is. This remains to be seen. I also know that H was definitely against having ANY more children. <P>The muck is getting deep here. <BR>I guess I have to plan for the worst and pray for the best.<P>Thanks for you reply and encouragement. <BR>Take Care.<BR>

Lor (Lor):<P>Dealing with this for 26 months must have been very hard for you. Was your H living with the OW? My H has been out of the house for a year and still gone. He's been living with the OW. He only talked about maybe coming back about the first month after he left. Although, he had called me in Dec and Jan to talk to me surprisingly. In Dec. he was a real mess, he accused me of calling and driving around his apt. This was NOT true, I think OW told him this lie. As we talked he was extremely upset about OW...I think he just really wanted someone to talk to, me because he always used to come to me with his problems. In Jan. he called telling me he was in the hospital and thought he was going to die. I'm not sure what that was about.<P>We have no contact now, he told me NOT to call him, so I have honored his demand. I seriously doubt he will contact me, with the situation as is. <P><B>There was a point at about 21 months, where I thought my marriage would never work, in fact I served the D papers...I was wrong. My marriage does work. Clearing the mess isn't easy, but it can be done with time, love & patience--that is also something you don't have to worry about right now.</B><P>Did you have contact during this entire time? What happened? Your story gives me a little hope. And believe me with this mess H has created it would take a miracle to straighten it out. Not just our marriage, but legal issues and financial disasters he has created, which are getting worse. <P>Someone told me a story of this BW, who's WH left to live with the OW. After she waited 8 years he came back. Can't imagine waiting 8 years. <P>Appreciate your response. Thanks. Take Care.<p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited August 06, 2001).]

tootrusting:<P>I know the feeling...I do not know this man either...and haven't a clue where my H is. It is all too bazaar. <P>I know I have no control over what H does, only me. I've been trying to force myself to stay busy...and stop worrying about H. <P>I can't imagine having to deal with OC. I'm sorry you have been through so much turmoil and pain. I certainly hope my H is not becoming a father again. The last time we had to go to court H brought OW and his children. OW was displaying herself as pregnant, this may have been her way of trying to get to me. She is a vindictive thing, so I wouldn't put it past her. God forbid, H was adamant, he did NOT want ANY more children. <P>Yes, he did look awful. He too said he wasn't happy...but he didn't appear to look too happy when I saw him either. <BR> <BR>I was seeing a Dr. and on medication for sometime, but I'm not now. I did see a counselor, but she seemed to be not to together, so I didn't go back. She even asked me if I was coming back. I told her I wasn't sure...she asked me "What don't you like me". I thought her question was rather weird, sounds like she has a problem. I just told her it was an issue of affordability. Truth was I didn't think much of her. <P><B>There are many days that I think "I can't believe this is happening... I can't believe this is my life" and then I think..."wait a minute...I define my life!!!"</B><P>I have the same thoughts.<P><B>Keep telling yourself....if they look that bad and that unhappy...it is because they are.... (and it is NOT about YOU)</B><P>I agree. I'm sure he has a lot of issues within himself he needs to deal with. <P>We have no children together. Two stepchildren...H's, which I don't hear from or see since the war started. <P><B>I have all along sensed that he is lost.</B><P>Mine too.<P>Take care.

SeenTheLight:<P>I don't see how I could do either Plan A or B under the circumstances? I would welcome any suggestions.<P><B>I would add this, though: you have and continue to contribute. This is a place for all to heal, individually and collectively. For myself, I am glad you are posting here.</B><P>Thank you, if your glad..that makes me feel a little better. I don't really feel like I have much to contribute...considering I haven't had any positive developments with my marriage. I am trying to learn and heal.<P>

HF:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I haven't had any positive developments with my marriage. I am trying to learn and heal.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Many people feel the same way. When we are trapped in a circumstance, it is often hard to see our role; to see any progress ... the ol' can't see the forest for the trees syndrome.<P>The fact that you are learning and healing, and help others to achieve the same effect, is the reason you should continue to post here. Every time you post, the possibility exists that someone will glean some insight, some bit of your circumstance that will help them.<P>We thus learn from each other, gaining collective knowledge. Even from a Plan A or B that goes awry, there is an educational benefit.<P>Keep posting, dear HW ... your contributions are most valuable.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's been 1 year and 11 days today, since WH left. WH is still with OW. NO contact with me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The key here is how much time has passed since you found out about MB and how long you have had a Plan A in effect.<P>If there is any way possible, attempt to contact your WS, so that you can start your Plan A. It isn't over as long as (a) your love still remains and (b) your husband hasn't initiated a Plan D that has been finalized by the courts.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL