I wrote this today to help my H see what I go through every day.<P>I wonder if he knows what this affair has done to me emotionally and physically. I wonder if he will ever be truly remorseful because I don’t think he can ever come close to feeling the pain that he’s inflicted upon me.<P>I wonder if he knows the feelings of utter helplessness and hopelessness that I have every single day since I found out about his affair. I wonder if he knows that each day he was with her, was like a month to me.<P>I wonder if he knows that when I go for my walks, with my music blaring, it’s to try and block out the pain for a short, few minutes. I wonder if he knows that even that isn’t helping anymore.<P>I wonder if he knows that every night I go to bed thinking I can’t possibly stand even one more day of this pain. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, but most of all, my heart hurts.<P>I wonder what his reasons are for continuing to hurt me, while he worries about hurting her? For example, when he worries about her seeing my handwriting on the envelope. I wonder if he understands that by protecting her feelings, he’s telling me that mine don’t matter.<P>I wonder if he knows how much its tearing me apart that he took his wedding ring, traded it in and bought an expensive gift for her. Doesn’t he realize he’s NEVER done anything that unselfish for me? I can only ask why? And my answer is always, because he’s never loved me like he loves her.<P>I wonder if he knows that when we make love, all I can think about is “is he closing his eyes and thinking of her? Is he wishing right now, that it was her he was with? Will he ever be as happy making love to me as he was with her?”<P>I wonder if he knows that the other night, when he laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his hair, all of a sudden, I thought “did she do this for him?”<P>I wonder if he knows that some nights I lie awake watching him sleep and I cry for the loss of my faith in him.<P>I wonder why he moved home if he was not sure where his heart was…<P>I wonder if he will ever understand why I don’t trust him? Why does he get angry when I don’t? He continues to lie, yet I should begin to trust? Does he understand that I have no desire to be suspicious, but that I cannot help but be when his lies continue to surface?<P>Does he know how badly I want to let go of the past and move forward? Does he know that is impossible as long as his affair is in the present?<P>I wonder if he knows how unloved and unloveable I feel? I wonder if he cares?<P>I wonder if he knows that no matter what he thinks, I am NOT in any way, shape or form responsible for his choice to betray my trust by having an affair. Does he know that I would NEVER do that to him?<P>I wonder if he knows that when I ask questions about the affair, it is not to hurt him, but help me. Does he have any interest in helping me?<P>Is he here because financially it would be easier? Does he realize that he created the financial crisis we are in? Does he know that he could have chosen to come to me BEFORE he found someone else and that I would have been willing to do anything to repair the damage I caused to him and the children? Of course he doesn’t know, because he never gave that option a chance.<P>I wonder if he knows how very close I am to giving up on our marriage? I wonder if that’s what he wants, so that he won’t feel any guilt over the end of it.<P>I know that I love him for his sense of humor, and the way that I used to be able to talk to him about anything. I love the way that he makes love. I love that he can be calm when I cannot. I wonder what, if anything, he loves about me?<P>I wonder if he knows that I worry about him EVERY day he goes to work? I worry that he stops by her house in the morning for coffee. I worry that she comes to see him at lunch, or that he meets her somewhere. I know that’s how they met the first time, because he told me so.<P>I wonder what it would be like, not to have to wonder anymore……<BR>

Myownme,<P>I wonder if you know the effect it could have to send him this.<P>I wonder if he has ever heard your heart cry out in this way. <P>I wonder if he has seen this love inside you.<P>I wonder if it isnt time for him to hear/see it now.<P>I wonder where your strength comes from to carry on. <P>I wonder why he refuses to see what we do.<P>I wonder when you can stop wondering...<P>{{{{HUGGGGGGZ}}}}<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.*<P>Trueheart

I wonder if you know how much strength you show in writing this? I plan to print it and hand a copy to my H. These could be my words, if only I had the strength to say them. I agree with trueheart, show your H this post. Hang in there!<P>------------------<BR>I'm standing here until you make me move.<BR>I'm hanging by a moment here with you.<BR>From Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse

Sitting at my desk at work in tears. Amen Trueheart. <P>Trueheart, all of us BS's wish we could take your heart and brain and implant them into our WS's bodies, but then again, we should be thankful for who are WS's are - we fell in love with them and continue to love them for a reason - for who they are.<P>Myownme, hang in there. Your wondering touches my heart. I know how you feel. THink about sharing it with your H. But even if not, I hope you feel better for sharing with us, and venting your deepest feelings.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 30, 2001).]

Thanks everyone. I'm crying again, now, too. It helps so much to know that there are those who care and who don't think I'm crazy. I just wish my H was one of them...

Thanks Faith..I appreciate your sentiments, very much.<P>I wonder how I did what I did.<P>I wonder what brought me to this site.<P>One thing I do not wonder anymore...is that I will continue to try and help even just one WS/BS in here to understand that there is a road back. I have been fortunate to get my second chance. I will do all I can to help any others get that second chance, as well.<P>Myownme,<P>You have your support and our thoughts! In this time of wondering, do not wonder if you have friends!<P>Trueheart

Dear Myownme,<P>I wonder many of these things too. I wonder if my marriage will ever be restored. I wonder if my H will ever want "us" again.<P>I, too, agree with the others. Show this to your H. If nothing else, he will know where you are at. Give him something to think about....your love. It's written between every line.<P>MS <BR>

Just wanted to thank everyone for the kind words yesterday. I gave my note to my H. He was very defensive about a couple of things. When I said I wondered if he'd ever understand the pain he'd put me through, he said "OF COURSE I DO, YOU PUT ME THROUGH THE SAME PAIN WITH YOUR ANGER!" As for the rest of it (my constantly thinking about what he did with her, etc.) he said that was my problem. He said it didn't sound to him like I wanted to try to "get over" this and move on, and that while I had said I wanted to work on our marriage, he didn't think I was being truthful! I'm depressed, but not giving up yet. I have decided to Plan A in earnest and try really hard not to ask questions, not to be suspicious, not to judge. Maybe, as Trueheart said in another post, maybe if I'm kind and loving and try not to be so insecure, he'll eventually come around.....any thoughts anyone?

Myoneme,<P>He wants to move on and forget. He wants you to *just get over it*. It is a bad chapter in his life. He gets angry and defensive because the nerve is raw and exposed for everyone (or just for him) to see every day. You are hurt because you want him to acknowledge what he has done to you. You want him to take the responsibility for it. You want him to show remorse for the A. <P>In effect, we have the equivalent of relationship chess. You take a pawn, he takes a knight, you put him in check, he moves out to protect himself. Every move has a counter move. There can be no winner in that game. Everyone loses and with each move, a deeper cut into the heart.<P>This may sound totally whacked! What happens if you let him come to you in time with his acknowledements? What happens if you temporarily suspend that which you feel and believe you want him to do? (OK some of you BS, put the 2X4 back in your MB tool kits!!) What I am saying is, he may need a break. Just as he was fogged in with the A, a WS can become, shall we say, *cloaked* in darkness from the BS needing to hear things, say things, feel things from us when we just want to come home, be home, and live again. I know it sounds nuts, and I am not advocating free reign where he can go back and reestablish contact. I am saying, maybe if he gets the freedom, security and comfort to breathe and relax, he may want to volunteer information and affection again. He may enjoy being there to the degree that he comes to you and says "I really appreciate your efforts in letting me grow, in standing by me and not hounding me and now I feel I can share things with you." I know some of you are shaking your heads and thinking that I am heading back into the fog, but...<P>The definition of insanity is *doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result*. So, change what you are doing. <P>Try to give him some time and space. What do you have to lose, by the way? Are you getting anywhere except stressed and more headaches? Let him grow up, like you do a child. Its called *guided* practice. You lead him to where you want him to be, without him knowing it. (for all you education majors out there... )I forget who said it before in one of the posts I read, maybe WAT?, You can be right or you can be married. Try a new game plan. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.*<P>Trueheart

I feel every one of those things you said, yet I don't think I could tell them to my wife. She would blow up at me, I know it. <P>But you're doing the right things. Show him the love you have inside you. And every once in a while, let him know, in a loving way, that it does hurt you when he betrays you. But don't let it eat at you. You are your own person, and you alone are the only person that can control your happiness in the long run. You can rely on him only so much.

Thanks Godly and Trueheart,<BR>I get frustrated, but you're right. He's not in the place where pestering him about it continually is the right thing to do. I will try my best to "let go and let God." I will try to appear secure when I'm not. I will try to love, when I don't feel loved. It can't hurt my marriage any more than its already hurting. I'll just come here to vent instead of venting at him. I'll continue to pray that God will open his eyes as he's opened mine to the wrongs I've done. I will pray for the guidance and strength to overcome. Thanks guys!

Had to bump this one ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<p> jd

That was an inspiring post. Thank you for sharing the painful side of being a BS.

^^ bump ^^<p>This is an old post... but thought it was good... I think we all feel this way from time to time.<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I wonder how many of us have had those same thoughts. Probably all of us. Hang in there.