Ok Here I go, I am new here. <BR>Last week my Best friend told me that she needed to talk to me and asked if I would go to lunch with her. I went and much to my suprise found out that my H has been trying to get her sister (another close friend of mine) to meet him for lunch. He had been calling her at work and on her cell and saying things like "hey Sexy just thought i would call and see if you were free for lunch" and when she would turn him down he would say "I can't believe that you are turning me down, you know you want to have lunch with me." I am still in SHOCK to say the very least! <BR>When I approached H about these conversations, his reply was. "I was only joking, there is no way I ever meant anything by that, and besides how dumb do you think I am, If I was going to doo something like that I would never do it with one of your friends who I know is going to come back and tell you." Here is the twist, h says that the only reason he was calling in the first place was to discuss some work that he was doing for her (he was building some furniture for her)BUT, the conversations took place after the work was complete and $ had changed hands, not to mention behind my back. He never told me about talking to her and I have been so busy lately that I had not been able to talk to her. (she thought I knew, but realized that I didn't when the conversations started to go down the wrong road.) I don't know what to think, h has been caught in some white lies b4 but none that has to do with the opposite sex. We have two boys and have been together for 4yrs.<BR>Sorry so long but I just don't know which way to turn....

fallin - Hmmmmmm - at best, a close call. At worst, he's been caught in the headlights.<P>One thing you'll learn real quick here is that wayward spouses are master liars. Don't buy the "how dumb do you think I am" story.<P>Regardless of the severity of the crime, the treatment here may be the same. Something was/is missing in your relationship that created the environment for him to at least THINK about having an affair with a relatively close friend.<P>Don't jump off the cliff. Like a cancer, you may have caught this early and can excise the problems before it's life threatening to your marriage.<P>Get the books "His Needs/Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair", both by Harley (available in the bookstore section of this site). Browse aroung this site and, in particular, in the Emotional Needs sections of the forum.<P>Try to open up communication with your H about this and see if he's willing to work to identify what things can be improved in your marriage. Please try to do this in a non-accusatory manner so he won't back away.<P>Look hard at yourself to see what needs of his you weren't meeting that prompted him to look around. This does not mean it's your fault, but you do own responsibility for some of the problems.<P>WAT

fallinapart,<P>Just a quick note from a Weak Spouse(WS). Pay attention to the signals that WAT just spoke of. The little white lies you speak of are signals of something that he has thought of. I do not wish to scare you with possibilities, but our thought process is one of not getting caught, and reasoning our way out of it (not really lying in the beginning) with things are so obvious the wife/husband disregards it as silly, as well. Let him know that this particular incident scared you and made you feel that maybe you aren't fulfilling all his needs. Ask him to talk to you, let him know how much you love him and that you are willing to listen to anything he has to say to help your marriage. If this is a *close call*, then this should wake him up!!<P>Good luck and keep us posted!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.*<P>Trueheart

Falling,<P> I agree with WAT advice above. If I had to guess on if your husband is having an affair based on what you have presented I would have to say that he is probably thinking about it but it has not gone beyond a one sided attraction. <BR>

from a 'MASTER LIAR"...................DONT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS.<P>when it first begins you arent worried about getting caught and if you do.....then hell lie...your spouse doesnt have anything to worry about!<P>NOT!<P>i would be keeping some big eyes and ears out to figure things out. I'd say there is something in the air. I was ONLY friends with OM also....and i wouldnt have been sooo dumb! as to do that with a friend! <P> mercy

Fallinapart,<BR>I think maybe your H might have wanted an A. I don't consider what you've described as cheating but this type of behavior could definitely lead to it. <P>For you, and I know this isn't easy, try not to concentrate so much on he could've had an A. Try to concentrate more on how to affair-proof your marriage from here on out. Believe me, if I had had any clue that my H was headed in that direction, I would've taken a real good look at my role in our marriage and improved upon it greatly. I'm sure all BS's would have.<P>Read all you can on this site, get the recommended books. There are many valuable things to learn. Keep posting...the people here are truly supportive and generally give excellent advice. They also help to put things in perspective because as you probably know, our emotions tend to blind us at times.<P>I wish you the best.<P>MS

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mad Season:<BR><B>Fallinapart,<BR>I think maybe your H might have wanted an A. I don't consider what you've described as cheating but this type of behavior could definitely lead to it. <P>For you, and I know this isn't easy, try not to concentrate so much on he could've had an A. Try to concentrate more on how to affair-proof your marriage from here on out. Believe me, if I had had any clue that my H was headed in that direction, I would've taken a real good look at my role in our marriage and improved upon it greatly. I'm sure all BS's would have.<P>Read all you can on this site, get the recommended books. There are many valuable things to learn. Keep posting...the people here are truly supportive and generally give excellent advice. They also help to put things in perspective because as you probably know, our emotions tend to blind us at times.<P>I wish you the best.<P>MS</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have another ? For those of you who have strayed, how did you treat your spouse after they confronted you? Were you more attentive, defensive, or just went on like nothing had happened?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fallinapart:<BR><B> I have another ? For those of you who have strayed, how did you treat your spouse after they confronted you? Were you more attentive, defensive, or just went on like nothing had happened?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I am the BS, but I can tell you how my H was towards me once I confronted him. He was attentive, defensive AND went on like nothing happened. But you know what? His reactions changed based on my actions.<P>When I was LBing like crazy, sure enough, he was defensive. His defense was to withdraw further. When I calmed down and talked to him about what was happening, he calmed down too, and he listened to me, and more importantly, I really listened to him. But then there were times that he acted as if nothing had happened. I attribute that to my Plan A working. He wanted to forget about it all, and just move forward.<P>We're in recovery now. 2 months into it. H and I talked about MB last night, and he told me that he really would like to not talk about what happened (as far as him and the other women go). He wants to leave it behind him. However, he will still answer my questions. He understands that I need to know some things to get on with my healing, and he is willing to help others on here (via me) if he can.<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>How long did it take you guys to get to recovery? Did he ever leave?<P>GC

fallin,<P>My $0.02 is that it doesn't matter if it's cheating or not. The point is that his behaviour hurt you and you should tell him that. But you need to do this in the MB way which means no judgements and not getting angry.<P>I'm sorry but this kind of behaviour isn't funny, it's not a joke if it's at somebody else's expense.<P>