How do I know if I've really changed? Apparently whatever it is I am changing is not the things my H thinks I need to change.<P>He says that he found out from someone that I am still doing the same things I used to do and that I haven't changed at all, I'm still the same person he grew to dislike months ago. I tried asking for specifics but he would not give them to me. Says he told the person he wouldn't tell and he can't trust me anymore because I tell everyone.<P>Great. I have no clue what he's talking about.

HBH,<P>Just my idea but work on to be a better you not a new you. If you don't have your H's EN?s how could you know if he won't tell you what he doesn't like about you. But if there is something you don't like about yourself, then work on that.<P>But I take what I have to say with a grain a of salt, my H is still with OW, & happier than he has ever been. <P>but I finally know that I am not the bad person, I had faults, lots of them but it took 2 of us to get where he was tempted to have an A. He took that step, & finally 2 yrs later he leaves for her. But I am no longer a basket case either

I like what sing says.<P>We can't read minds, and we can't turn into a completely different person. We can only become a better "us". oooo, I'd like to take a 2x4 to your H. <P>TO answer your question "How do you know if you've changed?" Look at yourself when you fell in love and got married, then when H seemed most unhappy with you, then now. List some things for yourself that are the same - and things that are different. Perhaps every little thing - your daily schedule; habits; attitudes about people, politics, religion, kids, family; the way you react to certain situations; the way you communicate; things that interest you; things you like/dislike. We all change and grow - some good and some bad. THink about things you would like to change - write down how you would love to be. Have you grown in those areas? (I'd like to be more patient with people, less judgmental. I can look back and see how I've changed over the years in this area. I do a lot of things better, but I mess up too. I'll never be perfect, but as long as I handle some situations better, I know I have grown.)<P>You may never please your H. Think about YOUR happiness, and how to love and give to other people in your life. He may be so dense that he may never see your changes. Are their other people in your life you can ask? And remember, there's a fine line between self-improvement and being too hard on yourself. Love yourself the way your are - the way God made you - and improve the things that will improve the quality of yours and your kids lives.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He says that he found out from someone that I am still doing the same things I used to do and that I haven't changed at all, I'm still the same person he grew to dislike months ago. I tried asking for specifics but he would not give them to me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all, I would not take this to heart too much, because a lot of it is FOG TALK....we all know they don't know what the H*LL they are talking about while in the fog!<P>For all you know, HE IS noticing the changes, likes them, but CAN'T admit it to himself, so he says something UNKIND to you - trying to get a rise out of you, maybe an old behavior pattern between the two of you? I don'tknow, just throwing stuff out there....only you can know for sure if you feel you have changed yourself for the better.<P>I like what Sing says, too. I like Faith's questions, and I intend to ask myself a lot of them, and see where I am on that continuum...I suspect a lot of my changes over the years were NOT good ones! <P>Ironic, isn't it? WE'RE the ones trying to "better ourselves" and our WS's think it's perfectly OK to "leave their M vows and engage in illicit sexual activity" (in the form of an A) AND THEN ACCUSE US OF ALL MANNER OF WICKEDNESS. Amazing.<P>Lupo<BR>

Hi,<P>What youre saying HBH is how I feel too.<BR>But how can we really prove to them when theyre not around to let us show it? You cant really change unless theyre there. <BR>Something that distresses me even more is that it seems to be so conditional, so performance based on our behalf. I can accept I need to work on becoming a better wife (if I ever get the chance to) but it seems like everthing rests on our shoulders and if we cant perform the way they want it'll be all our fault. Where is there room to grieve over what has happened and to make mistakes? Sometimes I feel like I'd be killing who I really am to please him. <BR>Sorry - I have no wisdom, I just understand what you're feeling.<P>Dancer