I just finished SAA by Dr. Harley and I'm getting ready to start Surviving Infidelity by Subotnik & Harris. I was amazed at the simularities, I almost thought he was writing about me sometimes. I was thinking of asking my W to read it but I'm not so sure that's a good idea. I don't want her to think I'm trying to shove it down her throat and things seem to be going pretty good right now. I just don't want to make a huge LB that would shift her the other way. Have any of you asked your WS to read it, if so how did you go about it, what was their reaction, good idea or not?<P>I had almost decided to ask her, it couldn't hurt right, when she showed up today. She was hopping I wasn't home and wanted to leave a present for me. She had gotten me a plant for my apartment and a card, said she wanted to write more in the card but she would write me a letter later. Here's what the card said, Thanks! I needed that HUG., she wrote (and though I know all the PAIN and confusion is MY fault I still need my best friend. SMILE *******). Confused me again, last night I was over there everyone was getting ready for bed so I started gathering up my laundry(she wanted me to do it there) when my D started winnning daddy is leaving. The W asked what I was doing and if I was going home I said I'm just putting this in the car. She asked are you comming back, I said yes I'll be back to sit with D, sha says you can sit with me. As we sat I told her I'd take the movie back she hadn't had a chance to watch, she replied that it was a sweet thing I had done and that it meant alot to her and added that she had keep the card and rose I gave her also. She even showed me the dozen roses I gave her over a month ago that she was drying out to save. There was more to the weekend but you can read that in the other post. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011138.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011138.html</A> <BR>To me it seems that I am making some progress then again maybe not. Just don't want to mess it up if it is.<P>One last thing I scared myself real bad yesterday, W was yelling at the kids and I caught myself thinking "do I really want to come back to this, do I want to deal with her and all this grap" I quickly dismissed the thought but thats the first time I've had any thoughts like that. Is that normal, am I getting to comfortable being on my own? I know I love her and I want this to work but is that a sign that I'm starting to fall out of love with her? It has bothered me all night and most of the day. Any insight.<P>Thanks for letting me ramble on.<P>silwl

silwl - I apologize for not posting to you yet.<P>You're in a very delicate time at the moment. Please walk softly.<P>It's positive that she making these gestures to you. Try to be cool and don't get too giddy.<P>"Education" for a WS, in general, is a no-no until they're REALLY ready to be in the receive mode. Face it - submittiing to education requires a certain humbleness on their part. Not an easy line to cross.<P>Try a subtle approach. Have it handy such that she asks what it is your reading. Describe it as something she should eventually read, when she's ready. let her make the move.<P>Be very cautious. I gave my wife "His Needs/Her Needs" too early and she used it to justify her feelings for OM, and to conclude she could never have similar feelings for me.<P>WAT

WAT<P>Thanks for your advice, I was thinking along the same lines and I am trying to walk softly as of late. Any words of wisdoms are greatly appriciated. I guess I'm just going to continue with my plan A right now. I believe I'm doing it correctly, no LB's, trying to change the things I know I have done or not done in the past that have contributed to the A, and I just do things I feel are right. <P>I went for a walk tonight (as I do every night) and stopped by her(our) house they weren't home so I left a little note to say Hi and that I loved her. She called when they got home to say she recievd the note and to say it was very sweet. I guess I must be doing something right and it feels really good to do things like I forgot to do before.<P>Anyway thanks again for your reply and any advice is welcome. <P>silwl<BR>

silwil,<BR>It sounds like you are doing just what she needs right now.<BR>I was a WS and my H sent me cards every day just to let me know he was thinking of me and loved me and had my best interests at heart. They meant more to me than he could ever have imagined. I saw him reading HisNeeds/Her Needs, but I wasn't ready to read anything at the time. Now, I am reading everything I can to understand how this happened and so we can make sure it never happens again.<BR>Hang in there.

silwl<P>You are getting good advice here. I'd advise that you just leave the books out so that she can see them. But don't try to educate her at this point. <P>Perhaps it would be ok if you shared with her some of the personal insights you have made based on the books. Always talking about you on this one.<P>This was what I did when I was reading the book. I never asked my H to read the book. To my surprise my H read it on his own. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I came back to Japan to find my copy of SAA, which I had left on the nightstand next to the bed, shoved underneath the AC unit. Guess he didn't read it, huh?<P>I wonder why that is? You know, when you are overweight, you go out and buy "Fit for Life" and read it. (Then maybe you start going to the gym.) If you are having trouble with your kids, you go to counseling and seek advise on how to raise them. If you have trouble quitting smoking, you go get the patch.<P>But if you are cheating and know it has a terrible effect upon your life, wouldn't you want to seek change by looking for guidance? To me, facing a problem is EASIER than denying it.<P>