In need of a bit of advice from the experts PLEASE...<P>I am the WS and had a PA/EA for over 3 years before d-day. I saw him on a near daily basis for hours at a time, did all the normal things with him... shopped for groceries, clothing, furniture, gifts, etc, walked, talked ... it was NOT JUST a big sex fest thing.<P>In an attempt to reconcile this marriage, I gave up seeing the OM 9 months ago. H has been plan A'ing me to death, but seems to keep missing the important things that are missing. For all that he tries, it feels to me to be shallow and petty. I'm truly ashamed that he is trying so hard and there is just no feeling there.<P>I know this site is about saving marriages, but I can't seem to find anymore feelings, even though I do want to save the marriage for the kids. I miss my time spent with or talking to the OM dearly even though I am TRYING to fall back in love with H. It's supposed to be a choice to fall in love right? You have to MAKE it happen, right? The love that I have for my OM that came with trying or making it happen... is something that I should ignore.. right?<BR>Why can't I fall back in love with H?<P>One of my top EN's is companionship, however H is away for business travel most of the time. Of course this brings much resentment that is hard to overcome even when he is home. <BR>We relocated here for his job and I have no family or close friends in this area to share with. I feel SO alone. OM used to be my life. <P>How am I going to fall back in love with H and somehow be able to forget the deeply ingrained feelings that I have for my OM??? Someone please give insight?<P><BR>

I don't no if this will help. Have you read Surviving An Affair, I just finished it. I'm a BS but it seems that one thing that was important was to spend alot of time together. It seems that is missing in your efforts right now. I may be way off but read SAA it has alot of good ideas and I think if you follow it you can achieve your goal. I haven't gotten to the point you are in as yet but I plan to give those ideas a shot.<P>I hope I was of some help, best of luck to you. Don't give up to quickly.

Problem with Plan A'ing is that if it is mis-directed (as your H's seems to be) it wears him out while doing little for you.<P>Have you read the MB plan info? The MB plan which is outlined elsewhere on this site is a great way to non-threateningly open up dialog on issues and get feedback. Get that feedback loop established, and you can start finetuning and make some progress (my H was amazed to learn how off-target he was in many areas, and I found some I was off-target on too). It takes time, though.<P>Suggestion...read thru this article, including all the links. <P>Typically you start with the lovebusters q'aire, and then progress to emotional needs, etc. It's all in the article, click here...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html</A> <P>Good luck.<P>Kathi

W2E,<BR>Instead of finding fault with his plan A I would suggest<BR>1. Going over the EN list with him and being really specific...don't just say companionship..tell him what kind...ie grocery shopping, movie once a week, 2 hours a week at driving range...what ever. get him to be as specific about his needs and then..<BR>2. Plan A the heck out of him. Focus time on making him happy rather than thoughts on how he doesn't make you happy.<BR>Waiting for him or some sort of magic to rekindle feelings just ain't gonna work. Meeting each other's EN's will help, but it's a 2 way street.<BR>T