Okay, update time. As WAT said, sorry about the high-maintenance lately...<P>We told SD on Saturday about separation. Went as well as could be expected, which is to say it was horrible, but she seems to be ok... I stayed on Saturday until around 10, then left and went out with some friends, etc.<P>Went over the house yesterday (Sunday) around 10:45, and hung out with them for a while. SD had a friend over and W said she wanted to organize some things, etc. I left around 12:00 and said I'd be back around 6 or 7, depending on if they went to a 4:00 movie. My SD and her friend decided to put on a "show" for us around 8:00, so I knew I'd be back for that.<P>I went and played basketball for a while (got lots of sun) and then went to gym around 5:15. W calls gym at 6 looking for me... is really upset and wants me to come there immediately. Says I said I was coming at 6:00 and etc etc. She is very upset, angry, etc.<P>I get there and we talk about lots of things... money problems, raising childen, the responsibilities of being parent, her XH, many many things. She listens to me and I listen to her. I ask her what in the world I can do to make it okay for her, to help her... She says i can make a lot of money fast. Financial support is very much a need for her, and I do not take her to be a materialist... I talked to Steve about this and she said, it's not wrong of her to want what she wants, nor for me to try to fulfill that need. All in all it seems to go okay... Just for her to not flat out say that "we" are impossible is cool...<P>I've forgotten to mention that she is still going out of town with OM on early Wed. morning and will not be back until Sunday. I have avoided this subject with her mostly because the temptation to LB is just too great. I did tell her one time that she should come with me instead somewhere exotic, but it was done playfully.<P>Anyway, we go downstairs for "the show." We both have a glass of wine and watch these two 9 year olds dance their hearts out. While we're watching, we talk about our SD and how she's really blossomed as a dancer and in terms of coordination. At some point we talk about Britney Spears and how she took classes in NY... This gets us onto the subject of moving... Maybe we should move she says... maybe that would fix things tremendously... She says she'll think about it seriously while she's gone on her trip... I can't help but scoff at this a little and she says, really I've planned lots of time by myself so I will... She says it mischievously, like she's sort of playing the OM... I really don't have a response but I think she was serious...<P>I don't bring it up the rest of the night, and we get the girls in bed. I help do a few more things, then we say good night. I give her a check to pay off out last big outstanding debt (big Plan A) and we hug... She gives me a kiss on my neck... I want to kiss her back but I don't... I leave...<P>She leaves me a message this morning about not putting any more money in her account (I told her I could if she needed it). I take lunch to our SD around noon and my W calls me on cell.. checks in and says she'll see me later.<P>Tonight, I get there around 5:15 to relieve babysitter and SD and I pick up dinner around 6:30. W gets there around 7:00, we have dinner, I do a few things around the house, and then they get in bed to watch tv and I'm outta there around 8:45... W hugs me again and says thanks for coming over... She seems a little less friendly/happy than the night before, but not bad. I say I'll talk to her tomorrow. I also tell her that I am officially signing my lease tomorrow.<P>Well that's it. I AM signing the lease tomorrow... that's got me a little freaked out as it is a commitment of $$$ and time... Where is all of this going? I did explain to her that if I were not moving out, we could handle bills together, but with the expenses of my apartment, this will be impossible. She disagreed but it is true.<P>What does all of this mean? Does she sound genuine to you all? Please let me know how I can elaborate to make the situation clearer.<P>I'm on the coaster... Sat. night I'm thinking how easy it would be to get involved with someone else (don't worry -- I'm not), then Sun. night all of my hopes and desires are fed...<P>I really do want to be with her. Guess I still have to sign that lease tomorrow...<P>zen<p>[This message has been edited by zen (edited July 30, 2001).]

First of all to answer your subject: what you are DOING is an excellent Plan A! Keep it up!<P>I have just a couple of thoughts..who me? never... (and thanks for your help with my "blues" )<P>first, in regards to her continued waffling and sending you up and down the coaster, here's a quote from WAT on your post the other day: <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>OK zen - turn around and I'll kick you in the butt.<BR>Don't pay any attention to what she's doing - I know it's hard, but there's NOTHING you can do short of commiting some crime.<P>Plan A is about you. Yes, the desired effect is that the WS sees the improvements and gravitates back to the BS, but one of the major premises of Plan A, IMHO, is that there is little if anything the BS can directly do to separate the affairees. The only way this happens is for one of them to end it - either through guilt and realization of the affair's insanity or because it loses it's luster. Period.<P>Plan A always works from the perspective that it's really about the BS introspectively finding and fixing the problems they contributed to the marriage. If you do this with honesty and an open mind, you can't fail. In doing so, you remove the excuses the WS attributes to you for starting the affair to begin with. But this alone cannot bring them back - the WS has to decide to do this - you just make it easy for them. Get it?<P>WAT<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>second, You're such a good guy for helping her financially. I hope she wakes up and realizes that!<P>third, your SD sounds precious! What a blessing!<P>fourth, you asked, "Is she genuine?" As genuine as fog can get. She's being honest, in her foggy brain. it's fog, so you can't lean too heavily on things she says.<P>question - just out of the blue - please don't be offended - are you sure she's doing what she should be with the money you are giving her? Do you feel safe just give her $$ and trust that she is paying off bills, etc.? <<Faith1 ducking>>> don't hit me. I mean you never know with the moose brain worms... <<<ducking again>>>> still love me?? <P>And if you are paying off the last big debt, maybe finanaces won't be so tight even with your rent??? just a thought. You might also want to think about drawing up some temporary agreement on how much $$ you will give her each month. My H moved out, and of course I needed his support (plus paying the regular household things he SHOULD be responsible for), we drew up just an agreement between us of what he will provide. I sort of did this to encourage him to be sure he could afford an apartment - he insists he can.<P>Well, there's my 2 cents worth.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 30, 2001).]

Faith:<P>Ummm, how can I put this... I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!<P>It's a good question, about what she's doing with the money. Yes, I know she's paying the bills with it. In fact, we had already PAID this bill and she had to put the money in the bank today or else the payment would not have been good. She's really doing it.<P>I was a little misleading about the debt situation... This bill was the last big one that was due immediately. We still have a lot of debt that is still coming round monthly... It's still handleable, though, if that's a word.<P>As far as the monthly finances... she wanted it to be that when the sep started, we would each be responsible for our own finances. She wanted it this way... Our sep agreement (which is still unsigned but probably will be tomorrow) divides it up like that. Now she's not so sure how she's going to do that. But I have offered to help her anyway... I've said let's keep the agreement like it is, but I'll still help you...<P>Thanks for your support... I guess the old Plan A is doing me some good... And WAT's post was right on the money... thanks for reminding me.<P>And yes, my SD is the greatest in the entire world... I love her so much... She truly is a gift...<P>Thank you thank you thank you Faith! You are really a blessing to this board... Hope you are keeping your namesake...<P>zen

zenster - you asked, "What does all of this mean?"<P>I think it means you're doing a terrific job.<P>Don't change a thing.<P>WAT