Hi<P>I am new here and I am in need of some advice especially from anyone who has gone through what I have. <P>I am engaged to a man that has in the past two years admitted to cheating. We have had our discussions and agreed despite his cheating that we have enough going for us to work on the relationship. My problem is this, I cannot have physical contact with him without flashing on the other woman. I have tried in my heart to forgive and get over this but it continues to happen. Also, we have decided on an absolute honesty policy. Since he is an admitted sexual addict. He told me tonight that the woman he had the affair with continues attempts at contact with him via telephone. They previously worked together. He tells me he returned her call and only made light conversation with her. I told him I respect that he told me this much but have concerns that he returned her call at all. He insisted that since he used her as a reference for a new job that he doesn't want to alienate her entirely and therefore get a bad reference from her since they are looking for references from past "clerical" help. I told him that I felt no matter what, she was the woman that he left and that no matter how cordial he is she is spurned and would retaliate or might. He seems to think there is nothing wrong with talking to her, I think it is courting disaster. I am so hurt and angry right now I can barely write this letter and have worn out all my friends with my whining about this. Now I want to call her and tell her to leave him (us) alone so we can work out our problems without her interference. I realize that ultimately this is something he should do and cut off. However, he seems resistant based on his need for her "references." I truly don't feel like he should rely on her but he is. Should I feel threatened? He is taking me to meet his parents and to give me a ring finally, and I don't want to jeopardize anything by continually pounding away at him about this.<BR>HELP

sesalee,<BR>YOu are only engaged as of now. You have the oppurtunity to get this straightened out before you enter a marriage commitment. It's great that you found your way here!<P>Read And learn everything you can. (See my post earlier tonite that says "for newbies" - for a start).<P>Yes, I think you shoudl feel threatened, based on his past and sexual addiction. You need to start learning the principles here, and - well you may not like this - but he needs to learn with you and participate - and you need help with your relationship - possible from a counselor. I think that you do not need to marry him until this is resolved, and you are both on a path following principles like you see on the MarriageBuilders web-site. <P>There is nothing wrong with you avoiding physical contact until you can get some commitment from him, and as you begin implementing some things you learn here, you will feel better and stronger.<P>Congratulations on searching for help, and loving yourself and your fiance enough to work on making your relationship stronger.

Welcome, <B>sesalee</B>,<P>Here is a link to the basic concepts that MB is focused around. If you plan to spend anytime on these boards, you should definately read them. They amount to a step by step way to deal with this. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html</A> <P>Here also is a link you can check out. It's to a thread in the 'just found out' forum: <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000940.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000940.html</A> <P>My advice regarding your post? Well, there's a few things:<BR> <BR>First of all, 'getting over' an act of infidelity, is not always as easy as it sounds - if it is even possible. The term infidelity immediately brings to mind other words; cheating, betrayal, deceit, etc... You are considering entering into a state of holy matrimony and making a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this person. These are not happy words to have floating through your mind. They are certainly not things you should want to 'get over', if you catch my drift. I've found that this kind of situation is one that you 'grow through' rather than 'get over'. If you truly love this man, and he loves you, you can grow through this and come out stronger for it. You've stated that you're both committed to your relationship. That's a very important first step.<BR> <BR>As for the visuals, they <I>do</I> fade. Faster for some, slower for others. <P>The sexual addict thing is a bit tricky. I hesitate to respond without knowing exactly what you mean (does his addiction prevent him from functioning normally, or is he just always thinking about sex?). As a 'reformed sexual addict' I'd like to just say that I place little faith in that term. For me, sex was a way of dealing with my insecurities and once I'd faced them and started dealing with them in a more productice/proactive manner... presto! No more sexual addiction. It was never about sex in the first place. So I say, beware that term... very often, it's no more than an easy out. <P>You said,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>I told him that I felt no matter what, she was the woman that he left and that no matter how cordial he is she is spurned and would retaliate or might. He seems to think there is nothing wrong with talking to her, I think it is courting disaster. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR></B><P>You are absolutely, 100% correct. But DO NOT call her. This would more than likely backfire. Even if it did not blow up in your face, it would still be counterproductive to your 'marriage building'. It is something he has to do. Our term for it is a 'no contact' letter.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Should I feel threatened? He is taking me to meet his parents and to give me a ring finally, and I don't want to jeopardize anything by continually pounding away at him about this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Continually pounding will not get you very far, but don't worry. There are other ways. <P>Do not feel threatened. Feel calm. Take a deep breath and relax. Make a cup of tea, peruse the Harley principles and then make your way over to the forums. There's good folk yonder. <P>deut<BR>

Very good, deut! Thanks! That's such good advice.

I am going to be a little less positive. My H cheated on me before we got married, and he is cheating now. I am not saying that all people who cheat will do it again, but I am saying to take a very careful look at this relationship. Looking back, I know that I was anxious about our relationship when we finally got engaged. I never felt completely secure, and that may be part of the reason he ended up in this affair. We always swept things under the rug and did not address things early on. So I will give you kudos for looking at this now. If you believe he is the one, please try counseling and be completely open with each other. If he wants this to work with you, he will be willing to try the counseling.<P>I don't want to be negative, but I do want to be realistic.<P>Good luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sesalee:<BR><B>Hi<P>I am new here and I am in need of some advice especially from anyone who has gone through what I have. <P>I am engaged to a man that has in the past two years admitted to cheating. We have had our discussions and agreed despite his cheating that we have enough going for us to work on the relationship. My problem is this, I cannot have physical contact with him without flashing on the other woman. I have tried in my heart to forgive and get over this but it continues to happen. Also, we have decided on an absolute honesty policy. Since he is an admitted sexual addict. He told me tonight that the woman he had the affair with continues attempts at contact with him via telephone. They previously worked together. He tells me he returned her call and only made light conversation with her. I told him I respect that he told me this much but have concerns that he returned her call at all. He insisted that since he used her as a reference for a new job that he doesn't want to alienate her entirely and therefore get a bad reference from her since they are looking for references from past "clerical" help. I told him that I felt no matter what, she was the woman that he left and that no matter how cordial he is she is spurned and would retaliate or might. He seems to think there is nothing wrong with talking to her, I think it is courting disaster. I am so hurt and angry right now I can barely write this letter and have worn out all my friends with my whining about this. Now I want to call her and tell her to leave him (us) alone so we can work out our problems without her interference. I realize that ultimately this is something he should do and cut off. However, he seems resistant based on his need for her "references." I truly don't feel like he should rely on her but he is. Should I feel threatened? He is taking me to meet his parents and to give me a ring finally, and I don't want to jeopardize anything by continually pounding away at him about this.<BR>HELP</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In regard to the definition sexual addiction, sex according to him is always on his mind, he flirts, and so forth. He actually takes medication and gets psychiatric help, and has joined a sexual addiction group. These steps on his part help me to weather the storm, but right now I am so tired and weary. Especially facing this trip. He is always uup and very good when he is with me, but when we are apart he looses his self confidence and let's his weaker side take hold. Actually I don't believe this woman called him, I think he called her during a weak moment and possibly either met her for lunch or more. Even though we agreed on honesty I believe he metes it out if you know what I mean, as much as he thinks I will swallow and still be able to stay in the relationship. The part I don't understand is why he wants a relationship in the first place, why doesn't he just troll and be happy if that's what he wants. I have given him that option many times, leave and be free. But he refuses and insists that he is in love and wants me as his wife, etc. Frankly there are times when I think he is just manipulating me, and keeping me on the back burner for when he feels needy, a sure thing so to speak, and when he knows he has the opportunity to act out he sneaks, and comes back.<BR>I suppose I sound foolish and like a victim, but I keep telling myself I am neither just a woman who loves this man, but when I read the posts of others in like situations I always say, can't they see the writing on the wall? I suppose in a way I should take my own advice.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sesalee:<BR><B> <BR>I suppose I sound foolish and like a victim, but I keep telling myself I am neither just a woman who loves this man, but when I read the posts of others in like situations I always say, can't they see the writing on the wall? I suppose in a way I should take my own advice.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Er, well, no. You do not sound foolish, and like a victim. You seem pretty wise, in fact. Someone foolish would have brushed the whole thing under the rug by now.<P>As for others in like situations, and the writing on the wall... you'll find many here who are trying very hard to see <I>beyond</I> the writing on the wall. Many who are committed to taking that wall down... my spouse is one of those and thanks to her application of MB principles, she's got a husband who has traded in his 'sexual addiction' for more useful things like integrity, loyalty and honesty.<P>I wish I could write more, but I gotta go to work. <P>Godspeed,<BR>deut<P>