A question for you wonderful experts. First a little backround. WS and me together 7 years, one daughter. She having affair with married co-worker(he in process of divorce after his wife found out) Affair began last October, d-day was March 4. Have been plan A-ing for about 2 months....1 step forward, 1/2 step back, 1 step forward, 1 step back, etc. Now here is what I did, tell me if I screwed up, if this sounds like progress or whatever.<P>In May, at an emotional time I made reservations at a beach resort we would go to every other year or so, hoping she would go. She told me she would not. I never cancelled the reservations. In June I made a payment which she discovered and re-iterated that she would not go. Well for the last couple of weeks things have been going pretty well.<BR>August 1 is the last day i can cancel and get my deposit back. This morning she was in a good mood and I mentioned the trip again and she reacted with something other than her usual defiance on the subject. On my way out the door I slipped a note in her purse that said:<P>Please think about the beach. I know how you feel about it and why and I understand. I will take Lauren and the beach(wife hates sand) duties and you can take the weekend to "do" the outlet mall. I think it would be a nice quiet weekend. If you don't change your mind, thats OK too<P>Well, here is how it played out. She called home at 6:15 and told my daughter, tell daddy I got his note, im going shopping for a little while and I will see you later. I suspect she may have been with OM but thats not relevant since I am Plan A-ing.<P>She get home at 10:40. Very emotional, upset. After a few minutes she tells me, "I'm not going to tell you to cancel those reservations.......I don't want to go, you knew that, why are you asking me again, etc." She then went on to tell me about all the things I never listened to her about for the last seven years and that I continue to prove im not listening to her.<P>I told her I did not mean to upset her, that the trip was no big deal and she should not beat herself up about not wanting to go.<P>More backround: She says-she does not love me anymore, doesn not want to be with me anymore. She says she is in love with OM but is not going to be leaving me for him because she made up her mind about "us" before the affair started. For my part, I love her and want another chance. I have been saved and have transformed myself over the past 6 month or so. She says my transformation is infuriating because I am now what she wanted me to be for so many years and only after her stating her desire to leave me have i changed. She says "For years I wanted things you weren't giving me and now that I don't want them anymore, you are giving then to me, proves you dont listen to me."<P>She says she is only here with us because she is trapped by our financial situation and as soon as she is able she will leave. I think she is confused but she would go to her grave denying that. <P>We also have an 8 day Disneyworld tripped scheduled for Thanksgiving week which she is committed to going on because she does not want to disappoint our daughter.<P>Boggles my mind, she is concerned about disappointing her over a vacation but says she will be able to move out of our home. Does she realizing how disappointing that will be?? Oh well, I'm starting to ramble.<P>Any thoughts???Suggestions???Questions???

Havachance,<BR>Keep to the plan A, but do remember that your WS defines what is a LB..if she thinks you're pressuring her..then it's an LB...personally I can see where it looked like the tide was chnging, but if she saw the OM, that will obscure any rational thought.<BR>Her statement about the changes now...well, it's true..it's true for all of us BS who have decided to change things for the better..you have to start somewhere! And, the longer you plan A, the more she will start to believe that change is possible. <BR>Think about writing her a letter acknowleging that, yup, not really listening to her in the past was a big mistake of yours, but one that you hope to correct. Add some other things about you that you see needed to be changed. This is not a blaming letter..this is a honest look at yourself letter.<BR>If your reservation still holds for the beach, consider taking your daughter and going and giving her space...there is a big danger there of her seeing the OM...you decide if you can handle that thought.<BR>Don't give up hope yet...reread the Affair book..reread LB and emotional Needs..keep loving as much as she will let you and your heart will allow.<BR>T

Twyla,<P>First of all, thanks so much for the response. It is nice to express your thoughts and know that someone out there takes the time to respond.<P>As for your comments, I've considered taking my daughter without her but as you said, I think it would be too tough for me to enjoy myself. I don't want to spend the weekend wondering where she is and what she is doing because I'm just now getting better with that here at home. Also, I don't want to deal with "where is mommy?, why didnt monmmy come?"questions.<P>Anyway, she was in a nice mood this morning so maybe I didn't mess up too bad.<P>I just wish I had a window into her mind, to know if she is conflicted at all. I feel like she must be but she seems so adamant, when everything comes up. Which is very rarely since in Plan A. It's really strange, since I stopped the LB's our day to day life is really nice, comfortable. Outside of her sleeping on the couch, no sex and the affair I'd say our relationship is better than it has been in a long time. I don't know if that is a joke or not but really it is true. I'm just hoping that since it took time to create this mess it is going to take time if it is going to get cleaned up. Hope for baby steps I guess, it i s just so hard to mark progress, stay motivated. This site helps though. I guess I'm waiting for the affair to die a natural death which seems quite likely based on what I have read but what do you do when the OM's spouse is a huge LBer. Doesnt her LB's keep driving her husband to my spouse? Guess I cant obsess about what I can't control.<P>As always, any feedback greatly appreciated.

ditto Twyla - good advice.<P>Your wife is following the script - a classic case.<P>Keep doing what you're doing.<P>WAT

Yep, I have to agree with WAT and Twyla... I think you're situation is going about as well as can be expected...<P>How old is your daughter? If you could muster the strength, I think that going on the trip with just her could possibly be a very good thing... Take away the wondering about where you wife is (as you said, such actions are irrelevant as you are Plan A-ing) and consider if it would be good for you and your little girl... if so, go for it! Regardless of anything else, you will have good time with your daughter and your W will be forced to think about the fact that the two of you are there having a good time... Let me reiterate that the point is not to manipulate your W by using your D, that thinking will just happen as a side effect.<P>I find myself in these kinds of situations with my W a lot recently. I will make a decision about doing something for my step-daughter, and my W takes notice. She's still very much in the fog, but I think it still helps. Where I have to be careful is in doing *too much* for my step-daughter, as I think there is a part of my W that begins to resent me for being too good of a step-parent.<P>Keep on Plan A'ing at all costs... I've gotten to where I am on Plan A autopilot. You'll instinctively know when to stand your ground and when to just smile. Keep making a safe place for her. You're on the right track...<P>zen