Posted this on Plan A/Plan B, didn't get much response:<P>I have posted some on Div/Div and Just Found Out. I need some major guidance on Plan A. There is not an A involved in my situation, it is 'the love is gone' on part of W. She in the house with the kids, me in apartment close by, going into week 3.<P>My question is how do you Plan A when not in the same house? Moving back in simply is not an option now, and if I forced my way back in, she would leave and that would be it.<P>So old pros, what can I do?<P>

ANB3 - forgive the lack of response - the forum having technical problems has sure contributed to this.<P>Basically, Plan A is common sense. If no A is involved, your wife should have no trouble explaining to you what needs of hers you weren't meeting. For help communicating about this, both of you should read, "His Needs/Her Needs", available in the bookstore section on this site.<P>Once you understand what was missing from her perspective, you take action to fix it.<P>The other half is for you to figure out how you contributed negatively to the relationship. Common issues include disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and, generally, all actions on your part that constituted "lovebusters" - actions that lessened her feelings of love for you little by little.<P>None of this means she doesn't have to do the same. You both need to Plan A.<P>WAT

I'd say WAT is right. You do need to understand what you haven't been doing in the relationship and your behaviour which has resulted in the loss of love for you. <P>Don't plan on getting all this at once though from your wife. You'll probably only get a few pieces of information to work with. However, even with a little bit of info you can form elements of a good plan A. Once you start implementing, you need to give your wife time to see the change in you and then she'll start opening up a little more.<P>If you don't mind me asking but moving out of home is a drastic step - what brought this on ? why aren't you living at home ?<P>take care,<P>- Freddy

Freddy-glad to answer the question. The story is a little long. Our road has been bumpy last few years, especially last year. She had serious bout with anorexia starting over one year ago. With a push from me, she got into therapy, and made great progress. Then, it became alcohol last fall. Got worse and worse.<P>She started a rehab program in March -my birthday 3/10 was her low point. She has been in good shape since then, but as her feelings started to come back through her rehab, she said she no longer loves me, has not for some time. We became physically distant during the rehab, at her request at first, then as much through misunderstanding as anything else.<P>I frankly did not react well to her rehab. I think there is a codependent thing going. I became withdrawn, distant. I understand now this is not an unusual reaction.<P>Clearly, things have become rocky. We were to go on family vacation last week of June, just before she said she didn't want to go, then that discusion moved to separaiton. We both agreed to take a week to think it over.<P>Upon returning, she was set on separation. i proceeded to do all the wrong things-trying to convince her otherwise, promising i would change, begging fro another chance. It all pushed her farther away.<P>It became clear that she was going to move out with our two kids. I did not want any kind of custody fight, so i agreed best thing for family unit was for me to leave (very much against my wishes). I realized I could not change her feelings, best thing i could do was to give some space and time, set her 'free' as it were.<P>So, here i am. Probably longer answer than you wanted. I am in therapy, as is she, and we just started marriage counseling. I am actively participating in Alanon, which is helping a great deal. This time apart has been - is - excruciating, buit I have learned a great deal about myself and I am focusing inward, which is all I can do.<P>I would love to know your thoughts. Thanks so much.