Debbie,<BR>I'm interested in your story. Tell us what your husband did to win you over or rather what he didn't do?<BR>Did he Plan A or just go on gut instinct? <BR>How long did you stay in the A after he discovered it, was there a d-day? <BR>Or how long was it until you told him? <BR>What was his initail reaction? Any LB's? <BR>Did you say all the normal things like I need space/time etc.? <BR>Did you move out? <BR>How long was before you came around to him? <BR>Did he smother you with love or just a little here and there?<BR>How did you act towards him?<BR>Were you distant, cordial, loving, what???<P>I hope that there are others out there that want to know these answers. It give us a good perspective.<P>Thanks in advance!<P>GC<BR>

gdc,<BR>I'm sorry for the delay, I just didn't see the post until today. and I will be glad to answer your questions.<P>the first thing my H did after he found out and recovered enough to talk to someone was go to our pastor. He told me it took him two days to calm down enough to talk coherently with our pastor. Our pastor gave him the book, Winning your Wife back before it's too late, by Gary Smalley. That was when my H began to make sure all the housework was done when I came home from work. That I didn't have to cook because he did or our daughter had it done. And he started sending me cards or notes everyday.<BR>My A started last August and was discovered in Nov. His reaction was of course, shock and disbelief, and he cried.<BR>I had seen him cry before but never over me, so this was something new to me. And I responded in typical fog fashion by just watching without any feelings. Now I wonder how in the world I was able to do that, but I know how because I felt I was of very little value to him and my self esteem was so low over years of neglect. the OM did a great job of building up my self-esteem and making me feel like a person of worth again. But the one thing that sticks in my mind about that time was that my H never did say anything mean to me or in any way push me out of his life.<BR>And I did say all the typcial things. I needed my space.<BR>I wanted to move out. I didn't want to be touched by him.<BR>No hugs or kissing. but also during this time was extremely stressful at work. I work for a company that is extremely busy during the Christmas season so I was working 12 hours a day. I would come home totally exhausted and just eat and go to bed so I could get up for work the next day.<BR>We tried to keep things fairly normal since it was Christmas time. and I told my H I was moving out after Christmas. I also talked with my parents about all this and my sister. They were very supportive of me and whatever I decided, but they did not give any advice as to what I should do. They love my H very much and knew how much he was hurting. They just kept telling me to seek God and listen to what He would have me do. Which is why I am still married today.<BR>I did move out after New Year's Eve and in with the OM.<BR>It lasted all of one week. I had gotten a clock/CD player for Christmas and some Christian CD's. My daughter told me to play them whenever I was down or needed a life. So Once I moved in I listed to them every evening when I came home from work. And God used them to reach my heart. AFter a week, I just couldn't stand the pressure going on inside me, so I moved back home. My H was so happy. I was extremely sullen and withdrawn. I was mean and unhappy about giving up the OM. I went to counseling but had no intention of changing. I just knew my marriage was over and I was doomed to live without the OM.<BR>This lasted about a month when a chance meeting with the OM took place. We talked things out and I began to see him again. This time I told my H upfront. Since I wasn't working as much, I had more time to see the OM. But my H just kept on sending me those cards and asking me what he had done wrong, how he could improve.<BR>My H and I have been married 26 years so there were many things that have happened over those years. But the last 7 were extremely stressful. Our daughter had a baby at 16.<BR>H got a new job that required him to move to another state.<BR>We were going to move after our D got out of high school, but H didn't find us an affordable place to live. Then our D got a scholarship to college where we lived so I stayed.<BR>My H would only come home on week ends. During that entire 3 year period of time he was gone. I never gave a thought to an affair, but I did find that I was withdrawing from him emotionally and physically. the physical part was a problem since he was only home on week ends. when my H got a new job back at home, I was extremely resentful of everything. I was angry that he was home to tell us how to run things that I had done the last three years, that he could just take up with all his friends again and leave me home as usual, and that I was raising my granddaughter while everyone else had a job or somewhere they needed to be while I was just at home.<BR>Wheeee. I'm writing too much here or maybe sharing too much.<BR>But when I think back on things I discovered that I felt of such little value that I was just ripe to fall for someone who made me feel like a valuable person. but because of my<BR>Christian beliefs, I couldn't stay like that for long.<BR>I finally just sent a no contact letter to the OM. We never quarreled or anything, I just had to break off contact to see if my marriage would work on it's own merits.<BR>I couldn't have a saftey net of the OM waiting around to pick me up if I fell. Because of course I would fall if he were there. So I had to cut him loose and turn my whole attention towards my husband. That was a choice I made.<BR>It was hard. And I was mean and hateful at first. But I kept reminding myself of all my H good qualities and of all the changes I had seen in him over the last few months.<BR>And I made myself act loving towards him. At first I didn't want to, but as the weeks progressed into months, I found that love returning and the passion coming back. And I know it will get better and better. Now my H makes me really feel like his queen. And I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.<P>If you have any other specific questions please ask them.<BR>Sometimes I feel I'm rambling here and not answering what you want to know.<BR>Debbie

I'm in tears. THank you for sharing!!! God bless you and your family!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Debbie,<BR>You can't even begin to believe how much your story means, not only to me but I hope others out there. There is hope and meaning to life even in the darkest times. I'm thankful that God gave you the strength to work your marriage out. I can only hope and pray that mine will have as good as ending as yours. When my wife told me she saw me more as a friend than a husband and lover that really hurt. I guess in a way I see her the same way. I want her back badly, but I know that she needs to be willing to come back. It seems as though if I mention spritual things, she turns the other way. I guess the truth hurts. She doesn't even talk with anyone in her family, proabably means she's still in the A. I've been trying to Plan A my butt off add sometimes I see some encouraging things. I just hope that she seea those in me. We are nice but in a friends kind of way, maybe that is the way it should be for right now. Her family really supports me and her mom can't even talk to her b/c of al this. Please pray for us Debbie and I am trusting in the Lord. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I would like to read again and reflect on it then possibly ask you some questions (if that is OK)<P>Thanks,<P>GC

Dear Debbie, What an amazing post...just wondering if, while your H was sending you those cards, did you hate it?

terrified,<BR>When my H first began sending those cards or letters, if something struck a cord in me, I tore up the card or letter.<BR>Sometimes I would come home from work and hand him the pieces so he would understand that I didn't appreciate what he said. But usually I just stuck them under the front seat of the car to look at later. And during the week I went and lived with the OM, my H would still put those cards into my car. So one morning when the OM's car was parked behind me, I made him move his car so I could drive mine even tho he offered to let me drive his brand new car to work. Somehow I knew my H would want to leave me a card and wouldn't be able to if I didn't drive my own car. Funny how even in the fog, I looked forward to those cards.<P>gdc,<BR>feel free to ask any questions you want. I'm still working on myself. I still have a tendency to do dumb things and I am working on not thinking of the OM so much, but now I feel free to share those thoughts with my H without any fear that he will be upset. Now we work thru all this together. And I try to surround myself with people who are pulling for us. My H recently shared with me that he had many men as prayer warriors the whole time I was confused and wandering around in the fog. Godly men who were praying for God to break thru the thick fog because I too was like your W and didn't want to hear anything about God or spiritual matters during that whole time. And I think that void I felt because of the lack of God's presence in my life really got ahold of me. I am only the person I am because of God's grace. Without him in my life, I really feel empty. And when I tried to explain that to the OM as I was leaving, he just couldn't understand it. He kept telling me the it was God who brought us together. But as Christians, we know that God never orchestrasts marriages to break up. And God cannot tolerate sin. <BR>OH well, I seem to be preaching again. so I will stop now.<BR>Just know that my prayers are with you and your wife thru this struggle.<BR>Debbie