I need some input . Particularly Female WS's. How long did it take to get the intimacy back with your BS ? I know every situation is different, but what I am trying to find out is what were you thinking ? Did you not want to sleep with your BS ? Did you not want to be intimate with him ? If you didn't , why ? How did your BS help you get over it, or is there anything the BS can do that would help. I am about to have a discussion with my WS about this, and I would like to know what kind of things she might be feeling. I know part of what caused the A, was my fault and I have been working on making me a better person, and, I think my actions, prior to the A, may have led to a sexual aversion on her part, and I'm trying to work that out. I have read the Harley article on this, but it deals more with the person with the aversion. I would like to know what the person who help create the aversion can do.

Mark--<P>I am dealing withsomething similar I think. Although my W has said it in as many words, I think there is a lack of passion they feel...if in fact passion is even the right word.<P>Anyway I am bumping to the topin hope that somone (WS) will answer.<P>E <p>[This message has been edited by Elad (edited August 01, 2001).]

I don't know how long it will take. We were separated for 9 months when I thought it was EA. Now I found out a month ago it was PA. The worst part for me is it was my bed on one occasion. I just can't handle that. My house is my refuge and they both knew how important it is to me. All of my spare time goes into working on it. I don't understand how a supposed best friend could be with my H in my bed. And deny anything happened and act like it was MY fault.<P>I did order new bedroom furniture which will take 2 months to come in. Until then, I sleep in another room or on the couch. When it comes in, I will move in there and let him sleep elsewhere. If it weren't for all of the lying, and lying about lying, I'm sure it would be sooner. He actually signed an agreement for total honesty with our counselor and then still lied after that.<P>I also worry about the std thing. She cheated on both of her husbands, only 6 months into each marriage. Her second H has been pretty promiscuous. H got tested yesterday but I know it takes at least 2 weeks to get the results. I'm not risking my health. His lying exposed me to disease but in their selfishness, they didn't consider anyone else.<P>I feel much too vulnerable and violated right now to want to be with him. I face a double betrayal because it was with my best friend. So I think it will be a loooong time. Everybody is different. Some wives will sleep with their husbands right away. I think part of that is fear of losing them again but I'm not sure. Unfortunately I have an extremely good memory! I wish you luck. I'm glad you are working to save your marriage.

Mark,<P>I too would like to have some insight to this question. My W says she ended relationship with OM about 3 weeks ago and is trying to reconcile. However, she wants no physical contact with me - no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands, much less sex. <P>I am very frustrated by this. I can handle the no sex part, but I would sometimes just like to hold her hand or give her a hug. <P>I hope a female WS can shed some light for the both of us.<P>S&C

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

I posted a version of this question myself. <BR>Look for my post under "can you regain sexual desire?"<BR>I think I answered some of these questions from a WS perspective.

Mark,<BR>Yes each of us is different and we respond to our spouses.<BR>I was the WS and it was extremely difficult to respond to my H sexually. At the beginning of my A, I tried to act as normally as possible so as not to get caught. But as the A progressed and I found I longed to be with the OM more and more my desire for my H diminished more and our sex became less and less until there was none. Of course, that was after d-day. Then my H just did little things to help me out around the house or to just let me know he still loved me inspite of what was going on. And I watched him change into a much more caring and compassionate man. As I saw that the changes were real, I allowed myself to feel some desire for him again. it took quite a few months. But during that whole time, he made me feel like the most important person in his life. We both discussed all the things that over the years led up to the A. it has been<BR>4 months since we sent the no contact letter out. I won't say my desire for him came back right away. it has very hard. While I was working on getting over the OM, I had very little desire for my H. But he just kept on doing things that showed he loved me. Cards, flowers, help around the house, going on dates, just little things. And while my desire for him hasn't returned 100 percent, it's there and we enjoy each other very much. i know that it will be back. all the passion that we had in the beginning.<BR>So I think of those things. Because it's all in the mind.<BR>Love making begins in the mind and the body follows. And my H still does all the little things that make me smile and think of him.<P>I'm not sure it that is of any help, but that's how things went for me.<BR>Debbie