I have been in Plan A for about eight months now and separated from my wife for four. Although I have seen a lot of positive signs lately that my efforts seem to be working, I have had some feelings lately that are starting to bother me. In fact, they downright frighten me.<P>I seem to be getting used to living alone and have sometimes wondered why I am going through all of this. My own fifteen year old daughter, who knows of my wife's affair, has told me that she can't understand why I would want to have Mommy back. I know that others in my immediate family have the same feelings as well because I can read it in their faces every time I talk about my wife.<P>Is this natural? Anyone else experiencing the same feelings?

AH<P>I can relate somewhat...<P>My wife has been on her own for nearly five months. There are times when I feel pretty comfortable on my own. (no kids) I can come and go when I want, drink beer for breakfast if I choose--actually i don't, but I could if I wanted to <P>My w has come around quite a bit in th past couple of months and talsk about coming home--just not sure when--and we are making future plans. <P>I am curious how--when she does make a decision and if she eventually comes home--how that will affect me. <P>But I relate to your feelings of fright...I have thoughts sometime that maybe that may be more difficult than I imagined...<P>What helps me is to think that i will deal with that when it comes. Also that thsi whole process changes everyone and that is one of the changes for me...stronger by myself and able to handle the time I spend alone much better.<P>Take care...<P>E <BR>

Yes, I felt like you do. We were separated for 9 months when my H had his affair with my ex best friend. At first it was terrible, thought I'd die. Then I built up a support group of friends and I did quite well. I started to enjoy having my own schedule, cleaning up after only myself, etc.<P>My H and I started dating after about 4-5 months. I'd let him visit (but I changed the locks so I was in control) but didn't mind at all when he left. <P>We did get back together but too soon for me. At that time, I was told it was only EA. One month ago I found it was PA, including in my bed which devastates me. I told the counselor I wasn't ready for him to move him but she thought we were. Anyway, we are still together but it's very hard now that I know the truth. I can't handle all of the lying.<P>A close friend said to me recently that I seem more content and calm. I told them it was because when I was alone, I realized I could take care of myself if I had to. Before I would have feared that. I don't want a divorce. even though it's been hard, I do think it's worth it to save a marriage.<P>Good luck to you! maggierose

AlwaysHopeful,<BR>Something always comes back to haunt me - the marriage vows. How they just seem to be words that are spoken, but how are they truly lived in a marriage? I didn't intend for the things to happen that did in my marriage - but I am here trying to mend (preferrably what is wrong with me) and my H to mend himself too.<P>I've been through separation and D (1985/86). And even if there are no children, it is none the less devastating. D is one of the most devastating events other than death of parents/spouse. Splitting property, assets, tearing apart something that was built together. There are only a very few instances that D should be warranted. I can understand being comfortable, but when the actual event comes down the pike, that is when devastation sets in. It is a sad event that your d knows what her mother has done - that makes her so much more suseptable to doing the exact same thing in her life, even if she doesn't want to.<P>It truly amazes me that people will throw away their marriages like this - for what? A divorce?<P>My prayers are with you. Take another day in stride. aftershock

Hi everybody,<P>I do agree with aftershock that some people do appear to throw away their marriage's and I do agree that a marriage is something worth figthing for. However, I also believe that relationships aren't one way streets. It takes two to make - and it takes two to break.<P>The challenge comes that when after a trauma like an affair, both parties, H and W, irrespective of their roles or deeds are prepared to put their hurt aside and work at doing those things which will help make their relationship work.<P>Don't forget that us BSs are as responsible for the affair or the break down of the marriage just as much as the WSs. What takes the affair out of our control is the influence of a third party who's taking (or taken) what we don't want them to have experienced.<P>In your case alwayshopeful, under the assumptions I've outlined above, if they apply to you, I'd take the ladies hand and welcome her back.<P>good luck,<P><BR>

YES! YES! A thousand times, YES! Really, my situation happened during a 12 month seperation between my H and I. Many changes, a new baby, moving out of a couple of different places. I was very used to living by myself, parenting alone. I was actually becoming tired of meeting my H for the "quality time". When he did want to move back in together, I was not really desirous to do so. Then 2 months back into the same house, I discover not only am I pregnant again, but he has gotten someone else pregnant while we were apart.<BR>I felt angry, confused at times, like I did not care, then finally chose to stay. But my trust would have to be earned back. It has been a challenging year, and now that time has passed, I feel more confident about us living together, and knowing one another. We work to do things together, from relaxing to working. But we have learned how important boundaries are, and how crucial it is to face those feelings of "I really like being alone." We are learning to enjoy our closeness, but still give each other room.<P>Did you hear that?

Hi AH,<P>I agree, you do get used to living alone. You get used to not having that person you loved in your life. But all this just makes you stronger. My wife has said a couple of things like 'I admire you staying power' and 'i didn't expect you to cope'. She's still a WS having an A, but it's nice to see that some of my Plan A hard work is noticed. I have become stronger, and she's noticed it!<P>There's nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. Sometimes I just think my life is so much easier without my W. No more worries, don't have to answer to anyone, don't have to be anywhere on time. etc. etc. But I wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be bothering if I didn't love her and miss her. She is someone special in my life, and i'm not going to give up easily. I've just got used to being able to cope.<P>I think you are setting a really good example to your daughter here too. Maybe you can explain to your daughter why you are sticking it out, and point out the good qualities in mummy. You never know, kids tend to talk, and mummy might up ending up hearing why you think she's so special! I reckon this might be a big deposit to the LB!!! You obviously love your wife, otherwise you wouldn't be here! Your daughter needs both you and her mum, and she is a sign of your love for each other. Keep going with Plan A. Imagine what a lesson in courage you could teach your daughter if your Plan A pays off!<P>I have a quote that I felt I should share:<P>"Courage is not defined by those who fought and did not fall, but by those who fought, fell and rose again."<P>All the best.<P>Plec.

Dear Always hopeful, <P>Yes, I feel the fright associated with separation. It hits me very hard, especially in the am when I awake and my wife is not there. <P>I have kids, and so far (we've only been apart for nearly 3 weeks) we have tried to split the time evenly. I have to admit, it is a difficult dilemma for me, I enjoy having the kids there for support, but I really hate to admit it is almost easier when they are gone. I can cry and I can go for walks and talks with friends with out worrying about meeting their needs.<P>I feel that I am alone in the fight to reconcile our marriage. My wife thought the sure way to end her EA and to rebuild our marriage was to move away. I applied and was accepted at a job, the n rejected it because I darn near went crazy. I guess the thought of moving to a new place without a solid hope of reconciliation did not cut it with me. So now I feel responsible for the separation and what it might lead to.<P>I am convinced I do not want divorce as an option, but there again, it is a dilemma for me when I feel like I want some resolution soon. Waiting for things to change is so, so hard. I miss my wife too. I think how nice it would be to have the whole family doing things together again. She is planning to go on a vacation next week with just the kids. That will prove to be very difficult too.<P>I am learning slowly with help and counselling to be on my own and trying to continue with life's day-to-day demands and it's damn tough. Exercise and other activities helps. Not knowing what will happen next is also tough.<P>Talk to me Always and others. I need help too.<P>Modelt

Thanks to all of you for your replies. It is nice to know I'm not alone with these feelings.<P>Freddy-<P>You stated one thing that I slightly disagree with. We, as the BS, ARE just as responsible as the WS for the breakdown in our marriages. But we ARE NOT responsible for the WS having any type of affair. That is their decision and we had nothing to say about it. That is probably the most important thing I have learned at this website to help myself.<P>Plec-<P>Your post was very inspirational. It is identical to the path I want to follow...<P>Thanks to all again...<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited August 01, 2001).]

Always Hopeful,<P>I stand corrected. I fully agree that nobody can be held responsible for the actions of other people.<P>Well said.<P>Freddy.<P>

Hi AH. I know that I have alot of support from my family and friends and especially from the people who post here. Sometimes I feel as though I'm trying to justify why my marriage is worth saving to some of my friends & family. I'm honestly beginnig to have my own doubts as to whether this will work or not. So please don't feel as though you are alone. No one walks in our shoes and until they do they have no clue how hard this truly is.<BR>Cybil

Freddy-thank you for clarifying that. I have enough guilt about my H's affair with my former best friend as it is. Did I make it too easy for them to be together? Did I trust them too much? Because I didn't know the truth until a month ago, I actually tried several times to rekindle our friendship WHILE they were sneaking around having sex.<P>In our case, my H found out he has suffered from mild depression most of his life. He's like a new man with counseling for it and medication. It also runs in his family. That was one of the main contributors to his affair. He basically had a nervous breakdown which had nothing to do with me. <P>I did things wrong, as we all do, but nothing signficant enought to justify the devastation he caused our marriage. There is an article called "Shattered Vows" on the Psychology Online web site. It says that many men who have affairs are actually satisfied with their marriages.<P>I used to believe that people only had affairs if they were unhappy with their spouse. I don't anymore. Some people just make really dumb choices and look to blame others. <BR>He was NOT there for me when I needed him the most in our marriage-when my mom died, when I had a miscarriage, when my sister had cancer, etc. But I did not choose to break my vows and run to someone else for support. I think we live in a blaming society. But my friend always says "Remember when you point your finger at someone, 3 fingers point back at you!"<P>Good luck to all of you. It's a lot of hard work but very worth it in the long run. maggierose