My W and I went to counseling on Monday. I told the C that my W and I have spent quite a bit of time together lately, but we only talk about superficial things. The C told us that the next step is to communicate on a basic level. Well that didn't take long. We went out to lunch after counseling and talked. We then stood in the parking lot and talked/heated discussion for an hour and a half. At one point she asked what sort of time frame I had for us moving back together and I told her a couple of months. Later in the conversation she told me that she doesn't think she will be ready until after her first semester of school is over.<P>Later that night she came over to my apartment to pick up some files. I tried to give her back some clothes that I took. She got upset and stormed out. I called her and we again had a lengthy heated discussion. We talked about us, OM, things that she is mad about, and custody of the kids. She said she found out that if we divorce that I am going for custody of the children. She told me, "you know I am a good mother". I said, "W, yes 6 months ago you were an excellent mother, but over these past months you have spent more time on your cell phone (avg of 50+ hours/mo) than with your children and you have put them second to yourself and what makes you feel good." She then said, "so I guess now you are going to your attorney and file." I told her no that I still wanted to work on this marriage. It basically ended kind of ugly.<P>Now here comes the encouraging part - later that night (about 11:30) she called me and apologized for the earlier conversations. I told her that it was okay and she didn't need to apologize. She said she wasn't sure about this communication thing right now and that it seems like we are going backwards. I told her that I am not dicouraged and that it is a step. Whether its forwards or backwards doesn't matter its still a step. She said that she guesses that's right, but that its frustrating and then she apologized again. <P>Why do I think that this is encouraging? This is the first time she has apologized for ANYTHING in over 6 months AND she did it voluntarily. Do you folks think that this is encouraging or am I reading too much into it?<P>S&C

S&C,<P>It is both encouraging and a bit discouraging. Yes she opened up, yes you talked about real things, yes she apologized...those are all positives.<P>BUT (and please dont be upset, this is only observation and guesstimation..hehe..my own word)....<P>You took this opportunity to go scuba diving instead of just snorkeling and seeing the view. You jumped into some heavy conversations that constituted scaring the snot out of her, accusing her, and basically LBing....after just superficial stuff. That is like coming off of a 12 step program for alcohol and heading to the nearest pub to celebrate!! You even said yourself, after a counselling session....two *heated* discussions up to two and a half hours???? What could you possibly hope to accomplish??? Where in the world does your Plan A come into those conversations? What EN were either of you getting filled?<P>Again, I am not saying these things to hurt you or accuse you of anything, but from just the short description you give......SLOWW DOWN!!!!!!! Keep things light and when the *heated* things show up and the conversation takes a turn for the worse, step back and both of you get some perspective. (Think what you would feel if you were a WS and your W told you what a horrible father you had become??)The old adage *walk a mile in my shoes* can be very effective! You have her opening up and communicating but dont go with the all or none principal!! If she asks about the time frame again.....if your goal is to remain married and work things out....tell her, as long as it takes. It is you I love, and I want it to work out for us!!<P>Hope this doesnt upset you too much...guess it isnt the most positive of responses, but I am just trying to be honest and help. I know you want this to happen fast, but the truth is, it may not. Given that there seems to be some progress, are you willing to wait?<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Trueheart,<BR>You are correct in many aspects of your observations. While it was my W that instigated many of the topics, I certainly did not benefit either of us by bringing certain things up. I realize that now. I guess I am somewhat lucky that the ugly parts of the conversation did not apparently damage things since she did call and apologize for her role in the discussions.<P>I think I need to walk a fine line of being open and communicating about my feelings and LBing.<P>S&C

S&C,<P>That fine line can be like balancing between falling in a snake pit or an acid pit... . Just remember that anything you do has to come from that unconditional place in your heart that says you love her and are willing to do anything to bring her home. Opening up can be hard for both parties...I know! Keep it in context of not accusing her of things, wanting to know how she is feeling, what she is thinking instead of telling her what you see and feel. Do more asking about her, and she will volunteer more information. Don't ask when she is coming home, but how her day was. Don't tell her she spends too much time on the phone, ask if she has any free time coming up or if she has any *special* things planned with her son. Dont sound accusatory or blaming, but concerned. When you get some answers and know a bit more about her feelings, it does change how YOU feel and think and respond. You are right, that line can be fine, but with all things, the size of that line can grow so the balancing act isnt as difficult. <P>Keep up the good work!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart